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Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Trevor Noah launched a new online petition to free a suffering animal from captivity: Jeb Bush.

This earned a stern rebuke from political correspondent Hasan Minhaj: “Look, what do you want him to do, Trevor? Just let him go — out into the wild of not running for president? He’s a Bush — they have no survival skills! If they let Jeb go, in two weeks he’ll just wash up on the shore, flailing around and choking on his Super PAC money.”

Stephen Colbert examined Jeb’s “Hell yeah” answer about going back in time to kill baby Hitler: “I, too, would travel back to the time of baby Hitler. But this is where me and Jeb’s time streams start to diverge. Because I wouldn’t kill young Adolf. I would take him from his parents, and raise him with love. Hear me out. I would give Hitler a safe, supportive home — all the while, I would watch him like a hawk.”

James Corden looked at what all the other Republican candidates would do if they had a time machine. For example: “I think Ben Carson would travel back to his childhood so he could really stab that guy.”

Conan O’Brien highlighted Donald Trump’s latest outburst: “Donald Trump said if he becomes president, Americans will be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again. — which may be true, but if he becomes president we’ll be saying it from our new homes in Canada.”

And Larry Wilmore examined the problems of racism at the University of Missouri — and that it took a threatened strike by the football team to bring about some change: “So it was football and money that saved the day. This is such an American story. It’s gorgeous. For a university whose official colors are black and gold — black seems to be a lot less important than gold.”

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