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Monday, February 18, 2019

North Carolina’s new law aimed at controlling transgender access to public restrooms might seem stupid and unenforceable, but actually that’s only half true.

The law can definitely be enforced. All you need are thousands of paid gender monitors, stationed diligently at the doors of every public restroom in the state.

North Carolina lawmakers have declared that the gender of a bathroom user must match the gender listed on his or her birth certificate. Most people don’t usually bring their birth certificates to the toilet, but perhaps reminders could be posted on highway billboards, social media and in airport terminals.

The job of the gender monitor would be to interview and inspect all persons seeking to use that particular public restroom. After reviewing a subject’s birth certificate, the gender monitor would have the discretion to require that person to disrobe for a visual examination.

Such a time-consuming procedure might be offensive, creepy and brutal on a full bladder — but how else could a gender monitor ascertain whether the person squirming at the door lawfully belongs inside that restroom?

Even after conducting a physical exam, GMs might find themselves stumped to make a conclusive determination, surgery having advanced phenomenally in the area of sexual assignment.

Obviously the first challenge facing North Carolina authorities is finding and training enough competent individuals to oversee entry to all its public restrooms. Nobody even knows how many public restrooms there are.

For traditionally divided facilities, a male gender monitor and a female gender monitor would be required. But then the question arises: What gender of gender monitor would be appropriate for a unisex bathroom?

This is all strange new territory for law enforcement.

In fact, there’s currently no such job as a professional gender monitor, except maybe in a niche market of the porn industry. That means guidelines and standards must be set.

North Carolina would be wise to open training centers for future GMs, and graduates should be certified and licensed, just like masseuses and food-truck operators are.

Bathroom sleuths will need to be schooled in the skills of wary, eagle-eyed observation: Wait, does that “guy” have boobs? Or is he just super chubby?

Or, across the hall: Good Lord, that one’s got ankles like Rob Gronkowski! What if she IS Rob Gronkowski?

Recruiting qualified GMs will be an ongoing problem, since most sane and normal people don’t like to hang around public restrooms.

The people who do like hanging around public restrooms are often perverts and predators, and they would probably perform poorly in a supervisory role.

All applicants for the position of Gender Monitor should be carefully screened for possible criminal backgrounds. They should also be evaluated by psychiatrists in order to rule out … well, lots of bad stuff.

It’s crucial for North Carolina, in this groundbreaking mission, to get things right. One little scandal could derail the whole transgender-crackdown movement.

Already there’s a national backlash, including boycotts by several major businesses and big-name musicians. The furor has spurred Gov. Pat McCrory to scramble around proclaiming his state isn’t really trying to punish the LGBT community.

Some supporters now say there was never any intent to actually police the genders of restroom users, that it would be too costly and impractical. Yet, without enforcement, the only point of such a law would be to gratuitously demean an alternative lifestyle.

And who would ever do a thing like that?

Eager defenders of the bathroom restrictions include Sen. Ted Cruz, the ever-vigilant American Family Association of Tupelo, Miss., and the city council of Oxford, Ala., which adopted a transgender restroom ordinance of its own.

The Oxford law is even tougher than the one in North Carolina, imposing up to six months in jail for anybody caught taking a leak in a facility that doesn’t match the gender on his/her birth certificate.

With only 21,000 residents to worry about, Oxford has a much smaller number of public restrooms to protect from transgender infiltration. Even so, enforcing the new law won’t come cheap. Taxpayers, brace yourselves.

If you want good people standing guard at your public potties, you’re going to have to pay them way more than a meter reader or a night security guard.

And the very last thing you want, by the way, is volunteers.

(Carl Hiaasen is a columnist for the Miami Herald. Readers may write to him at: 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, Fla., 33132.)

(c) 2016, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

Photo: Allan Hoyle, of North Carolina, stands with bible in hand in support of Kim Davis at the Rowan County Judicial Center in Morehead, Kentucky, September 9, 2015.  REUTERS/Chris Tilley

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44 responses to “Outside North Carolina Bathrooms? Gender Monitors”

  1. Dominick Vila says:

    Gender monitors? Hopefully we will never hear again anything about small government by the people and for the people. What the far right, especially in the South and the Bible Belt, are doing goes beyond anything any tin pot Third World dictator ever dreamed. In fact, I doubt any of the Islamic clerics who resemble the man portrayed in this article, would ever dream of anything even close to what these perverts are doing. No wonder the Brits are warning their citizens to beware of traveling to the Carolinas and Mississippi.

  2. FireBaron says:

    The only folks I know of who would be willing to be gender monitors at public restrooms are people under suspicion of being sexual predators.
    I look forward to watching North Carolina and other states waste millions in tax payer dollars (although they should be backcharged to the legislators who supported and governors who signed the measures) in defending these indefensible laws.

  3. 1Zoe55 says:

    Did the religious folk in North Carolina forget “Judge not lest ye be judged.” Did the overweight folk in North Carolina look at themselves in the mirror? Their fear must stem from their religious study. That fear coupled with their bigotry and hatred leads one to believe that most of these citizens belong in a mental asylum or a jail. This behavior is not the America I know and love nor is it the America that makes us great. Take your religious nonsense and keep it in your weird churches where it belongs, not in your state government.

  4. tomtype says:

    Since this story first broke, I’ve been saying the best GM would be perverts, since they would never tire of check down pants or up skirts. This article suggest to me that we could then put transgender peoole in charge of checking unisex restrooms. These are both harder to employ groups, and this seems like an ideal profession using their proclivities to the maximum. Of course they might face certain dangers. “Oh, sir, may I check your junk?” is not exactly the most inviting of challenges to most men. And woe to the GM who slows up some little old lady, carrying an umbrella, who has bladder issues.

  5. bobnstuff says:

    Who’s going to police the bathroom in the homes of North Carolina? That were the real action is. It’s not the transgender people you need to watch out for, it’s friends and family that need to have an eye kept on.;

  6. Who would have thought the version of ‘Saudi Morality Police'(“mutaween”) would find a like-minded representation among certain Christians in America.

    The Saudis have a quaint euphemism for this form of vigilance, and it reads like this:
    “The Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice (abbreviated CPVPV; Arabic: هيئة الأمر بالمعروف و النهي عن المنكر ).

    What a “lovely” and pretentious concept—sort of reminds me of General “Jack Ripper” in “Dr. Strangelove”, talking about protecting his precious bodily fluids from being sapped by the ‘Commies’.

    The unraveling of Christianity in many localities, as with the unraveling of Islam in more conservative countires in the Muslim world, due to an inordinately strict and often inaccurate interpretation of their respective Religions, goes on unabated.

    What form of ‘conservative’ response will we see next week in this unfolding and depressing drama??

    • tomtype says:

      The first American Missionaries to the Middle East felt a certain kinship with the Wahhabis of Arabia, which has started shortly before, about 1750. They were austere, disliked the elaborate places of worship, and called for a strict morality, which they found compatible with Puritanism. But the Wahhabis showed no inclination toward any cooperation.

  7. yabbed says:

    Hey! The Republicans finally came up with a jobs program!

  8. Andrew Long says:

    Stand back a moment…take a look. This is pure insanity and reminds me of the old Henny Penny children’s story – “the sky is falling”. Do these people really have nothing else to be concerned about?

  9. tomtype says:

    Word of warning! This just a “modest proposal” not an actual law in NC.

  10. latebloomingrandma says:

    Inspired essay, worthy of the old Colbert show. This shows how a paranoid group of people “react” to a problem that is only in their own perverted heads, instead of governing. Reactionary governing never thinks of consequences, intended or unintended. Our recent history is littered with them.

  11. ppiuq says:

    As one famous civil rights leader once stated “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” Good luck with that North Carolina?

  12. Grannysmovin says:

    How do they guarantee to the public that these monitors are not perverts or rapists? Just because someone carries a bible does not make them safe, remember priests and little boys.

  13. Siegfried Heydrich says:

    There have already been cases where butch lesbians have been thrown out of women’s bathrooms. I sincerely hope they’re suing the living hell out of those businesses.

  14. 11thStPopulist says:

    These perverted freaks just want to look up skirts. Most of the right wing (fake) “Christians” are obsessed by sexual matters – gay marriage, transsexuals, abortion, virginity, sex education and whatever else and whomever else they want to control. These people are creeps.

    If any one of these vulgar jerks, male or female, tried to examine any of my body parts so that I could use the restroom, they would have to pick themselves up off the ground. That is called “standing my ground!”

  15. paulyz says:

    The simple solution is: If you are really a man, use the mensroom, if really a woman, use the ladies room. This just shows all the unnecessary problems caused by Liberal ideology.

    • tomtype says:

      You have put your finger on the exact problem. Because we know that most of what is really gender and even enjoyment of any activity, is in the mind. And so the issue is the transgender are one gender in their mind and another in their loins. Since the brain is the more important, which are they really? The mind, which is more important and more critical says one thing and the loins say another. But the loins are what is more obvious, except that these people dress, act, and even react as the opposite gender, because their minds tell them so.

    • Paul Bass says:

      Yes, right. If you have gone through gender reassignment, you are “now” a “woman” or maybe a “man”.
      So “Alice”, formerly “Al”, SHOULD use the women bathroom. And “Hal”, formerly “Haley” SHOULD use the men bathroom.

      It is good to see you are so open minded about this issue!

      • paulyz says:

        Only IF you actually surgically changed your genitals & hormones. Nothing to do with “open-mindedness”!

    • Daniel Jones says:

      The simplistic solutions are usually not solutions at all.
      Thank you for a perfect example of this.

    • jsjca says:

      paulyz, Sadly, you just demonstrated that you do not understand anything about transgender.

    • tomtype says:

      That is all the transgenders want to do. If they really are a woman they want to use the women’s bathroom. They sincerely from their deepest soul believe they are a woman who happens to be in a man suit. Therefore, they want to use their bathroom. If you dressed in an ape costume, it would not change who and what you were inside. Would you feel right using the ape’s bathroom? No you would use the bathroom for your persona.

      • paulyz says:

        It’s more of a mental issue, because if you are born with a man’s or woman’s body, then that’s the restroom you need to use. If you actually change your genitals, hormones, etc., then that’s the one you use.

    • Sand_Cat says:

      So, how does one determine whether someone is “really” a man?

      • paulyz says:

        Well one way would be to reach inside his pants to see if there is something there or not, LMAO..

        • Sand_Cat says:

          Are you volunteering? :>)

          • tomtype says:

            I hope he has good health insurance. Because he’s going to need it qucikly. Guys really appreciate a good feel, NOT. And trying it at the ladies room, will both get you physically damaged but also in police custody really fast. And excellent idea. Should win the Darwin award. (Given annually for removing oneself from the gene pool.)

          • paulyz says:

            Why would I volunteer, you wanted to know how to tell if someone is a man or not. LMAO..besides, you Libs are all for that type of behavior. Enjoy !

          • Sand_Cat says:

            As usual you know nothing.
            Must say, you’re consistent, but if I can borrow a phrase, that’s only a virtue when you’re not a screwup.

          • Sand_Cat says:

            You would volunteer, because you right-wing crazies are the ones obsessed with other people’s sex lives, about controlling them to suit your twisted version of reality. No one else cares about this crap; just you sick perverts.

          • paulyz says:

            Face reality, it is the Left that forces legislation about personal behavior & if that doesn’t pass, they try to pack the Supreme Court with Leftists that believe in “legislating from the bench.” Now you “sick perverts” want adult men to use the same bathrooms as little girls, want kids to grow up with 2 mommies or 2 daddies. LMAO! !

          • Sand_Cat says:

            Once again, you’re either clueless, lying, or just plain stupid.
            The right claims we “force” things because we oppose their efforts to punish, discriminate against, or otherwise punish those who harm no one, but are “different.” I can see having a discussion with you is a lost cause.

  16. jeffromac23 says:

    This is just another attempt to demean women. I know where did I get that we’ll just from experience alone with all the concerts and sporting events I have been to over the years the only people of the opposite sex I have ever seen were woman in the men’s restroom because the line for the woman’s restroom was to long.
    Heck if the Kansas law passes it rewards people for turning in people using the wrong bathroom to the tune of $1500.00 a pop. Heck on disability I wonder if rewards count as income because I bet I can make between $1500 and $4500 a concert that’s pretty good money.

  17. mellowjohn says:

    much simpler solution: just require everyone over the age of X to carry an ID card with a picture of their junk on it. and if you can’t afford to pay for the ID card, you don’t get to use a public restroom.
    (this card, of course, will not be valid for voter ID tho. that’s a whole ‘nother matter. and fee.)

    • tomtype says:

      I suppose this document would be obtained along with and at the Driver;s license place, whatever it is called in your state. And the cops will have a field day arresting all the people obtaining this license for indecent exposure. When tht happens, may you be head of the line, and back of the line at the court.
      If you want to start a brawl, respectfully as another man in or at the door of the restroom, “Sir, may I see your junk, please?”

  18. Joan says:

    On occasion I have used the bathroom other than that assigned to me, I know few women who have not. Often there are lines at the women’s restrooms, whereas at the men’s, it’s an express lane. The NC law was not about protecting women and children from creeps while they pee. What it is about, is asserting a repressive agenda on state residence across the board. The fact that it allowed them to demean transgender persons was just a bonus. State legislatures determined that they could not have municipalities pursuing a progressive agenda on their own. No fair wages, housing or access.

  19. Big Blue says:

    Love this.
    There are two people that I know of who are men. However, their birth certificates say different. So… they’re going to get themselves arrested for following the law.
    Getcher popcorn ready. The bigots heads are gonna explode over this one.

  20. Beethoven says:

    I think an organization of transgender people should have a convention in North Carolina, maybe picking a location close to a Bible college. They need to all bring their birth certificates with them, and make a point of using the bathrooms corresponding to their birth certificate. And go in groups of three or four at a time, especially if local citizens want to use the bathrooms at the same time. Then they should hope to be ordered out of the bathrooms by the location’s management, or even better, arrested. Then they can sue the location, and sue the police for false arrest, because they were simply trying to obey the law.

  21. fortunev says:

    In many countries folks who want to pee stand or squat behind a tree to find relief. What a friggin’ nonissue these tight-a$$ed rethugs conjure.

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