Tag: relationships
How A Mindful Marriage Can Reinvigorate A Relationship

How A Mindful Marriage Can Reinvigorate A Relationship

By Alison Bowen, Chicago Tribune (TNS)

When your spouse leaves dirty laundry two feet from the hamper, the last thing that comes to mind is meditating on your feelings.

But experts say being present in the moment — or having a “mindful” marriage — can translate to happier couples.

We first noticed the mention of mindful marriage when Jennifer Garner and fellow actor and husband Ben Affleck said years ago that they aimed for a mindful matrimony. Theirs has since soured — they announced they’re divorcing recently after 10 years. Others referencing a thoughtful relationship include Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, who announced their own “conscious uncoupling” in 2014.

Mindfulness might not have led to a perfect ending for those couples, but therapists say it helps so many marriages that some are building their practice around it. Couples counselor Maxcia Lizarraga, based in Nashville, Tenn., even credits it for the success of her own 44-year marriage.

“Being mindful is about being present in the moment without an agenda to change that moment,” said Durango, Colo., clinical psychologist Darrah Westrup, co-author of The Mindful Couple: How Acceptance and Mindfulness Can Lead You to the Love You Want. “You’re aware of this moment and watching it.”

This is helpful for individuals as well as couples — anyone can benefit from wrangling his or her thoughts more positively. And in a relationship, this can lead to more patience and compassion.

Westrup said she has increasingly focused her practice on this concept, adding that she feels “more and more people are on this path.”

AVOIDING MISCONCEPTIONS
Key to understanding mindfulness, Westrup said, is that you cannot have an agenda. Being present in the moment does not mean keeping score on small details — for example, taking note of when your partner doesn’t do the dishes. Being more mindful starts with acknowledging it isn’t about changing your partner.

Couples also make the mistake of viewing mindfulness as a quick fix that will make something upsetting less upsetting or an irritating habit less irritating, Westrup said.

“People will talk about accepting or being present, but behind it is this (misconception) that if I do this, then I’m not going to be so troubled by the present,” she said.

Instead, you need to take the practice to the next level: Take time to center yourself in the moment, noting where you are and how you’re feeling — without judgment.

Accept your reactions to your partner. If there is laundry on the floor, acknowledge the emotion of frustration, for example, as well as your reaction.

ADJUSTING FOCUS
Therapist Lizarraga, who centers her work on couples and leads Mindful Marriage workshops, said she advises clients to take a step back during a difficult (or even mundane) moment and acknowledge both their emotions as well as the self they hope to be in a relationship.

“Kindness is actually the glue that can frequently hold a marriage together,” she said.

Harnessing your thoughts can be as straightforward as noting the thought, “My spouse is such a nag,” and altering it to, “I’m having that thought about my spouse again.” Take a moment to think of the type of spouse and person you would like to be, Lizarraga suggested, and how that can manifest in the moment.

“Whatever you focus on grows,” be it positive or negative, said Lizarraga.

REFRESHER COURSE
Corey Allan, a marriage and family therapist based in Dallas, said mindfulness also can combat the inevitable routine of marriage.

“Months, years later, you get into this idea of we’re roommates, we just do life together, and there’s no connection, the spark’s gone,” he said. “I sum up the whole idea of mindfulness as intentionality.”

But in the whirlwind of their lives, when getting the kids off to school is a morning miracle, how can couples train themselves to take moments for mindfulness?

A few moments after the alarm buzzes can be a first step, Lizarraga said.

“It starts off in the morning, saying good morning, how did you sleep, how was your night?” she said. “There’s that sense of connectiveness: ‘Oh, my partner cares how I slept.'”

Getting to know each other is natural at the beginning of a relationship but harder to continue as a couple travels toward the long term.

“When we begin a relationship, sharing is a natural process,” Lizarraga said. “We want to know everything: Tell me about your family, what you think, what you want to do.”

In marriage, those questions — “What do you think?” “How do you feel?” — are equally important but can be eclipsed in the day-to-day tasks of, say, finding a briefcase or buying groceries.

Mindfulness can remind couples to ask those kinds of questions.

But this targeting of truthfulness, said Lizarraga, begins on an individual level.

“The idea is really being able to share a sense of our authentic self, ‘I’m fearful of this,’ or ‘I’m concerned about this,'” she said.

Whether you’re saying “good morning” or marshaling your energy at a scattered-laundry war zone, taking a personal timeout to pursue a few thoughtful moments can have a lasting effect.

“The whole notion of demonstrating compassion in that moment can make the difference in an entire day,” Lizarraga said.

(c)2015 Chicago Tribune. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

Photo: Mindfulness can help a marriage grow, but like anything else, it takes a little work. (Photo courtesy Fotolia/TNS)

One In Three Adults Admits To ‘Financial Infidelity’

One In Three Adults Admits To ‘Financial Infidelity’

By Heidi Stevens, Chicago Tribune

CHICAGO — One in three adults admitted to “financial infidelity” in a recent National Endowment for Financial Education poll, and 76 percent of those respondents said the deception affected their relationship. (“It meant nothing!” may be harder to get away with when “it” affects your credit score.)

The national survey of 2,035 respondents age 18 and older found that three in 10 have hidden a purchase, bank account, statement, bill or cash from their partner. Sixteen percent said they’ve lied to their partner about how much debt they have, and 14 percent admitted lying about their income.

One of the most fascinating revelations is why couples say they aren’t more forthright about their finances.

Just 16 percent said they lied because they were “embarrassed or fearful about my finances and didn’t want my partner to know.” Another 15 percent said they had never discussed finances with their partner and “feared they would disapprove” of the true picture.

A full 35 percent of respondents replied, “I believe that some aspects of my finances should remain private, even from my partner.”

The deceived partners don’t appear to agree, with 47 percent of respondents reporting that the deception eventually led to an argument and 33 percent reporting it led to “less trust in the relationship.” Thirteen percent said it “ultimately resulted in divorce.”

“Secrets cause fractures, and fractures cause divisions,” says relationship and conflict resolution expert Melanie Ross Mills. “When we’re hiding anything from someone we are supposed to be partnering with — in business, in marriage or in friendship — it’s going to cause a division.”

Financial experts at the National Endowment for Financial Education recommend couples take a “life values” quiz to help them start talking more honestly about money. (Questions touch on your thought process when purchasing a new car, how you define your ideal home and neighborhood, how you handle overdue bills, etc.)

Mills recommends scheduling regular “couples compass” meetings.

“Go through all the major areas — parenting, finances, intimacy — and have an honest discussion about where you’re on the same page and where you’re not,” she says. “If you’re not bringing each other in on your long-term plans, you’re most likely not fully investing in the partnership.”

Photo: 401(K) 2012 via Flickr

Relationships: Be Careful With Your Words

Relationships: Be Careful With Your Words

By Barton Goldsmith, McClatchy-Tribune News Service

In long-term relationships, people can sometimes become used to treating each inappropriately. They may use derogatory terms or talk down to one another. Others may not talk much at all because when they do talk, it becomes a fight. This happens when the relationship devolves into a power struggle.

If this describes your relationship, both of you may be reacting to unmet needs. Understanding this can help you change certain behavior patterns and get back to a loving life. When your communication becomes hurtful, there are deeper issues involved, and you need to become aware of what you are doing. It’s important to the very foundation and survival of your relationship.

If your partner has spoken harshly to you, you need to let him or her know that your feelings have been hurt. Maybe he or she was unaware of it. Or maybe you were the one who spoke harshly. In either case, the best response is an immediate apology.

On the other hand, if your other half is being purposely hurtful, you may be too afraid to say anything for fear of escalating his or her anger. Making a few notes about what was said and bringing it up in a calmer moment is a good technique to help point out and resolve this behavior. Part of healing your relationship may include some communication counseling. If you aren’t ready for that step, there are many books on the subject. Reading one together can help you not only heal this dysfunctional dynamic but also make you closer.

Loving relationships, no matter how good, have their dark moments. That’s normal, and most couples can say a few kind words to each other and kiss and make up. But when you start to hold grudges or think of your partner in a negative way, those feelings will pop out verbally and usually in other hurtful ways as well. Avoiding your partner or the issue isn’t going to fix it or make your life better. You have to look at the behavior and address it.
One tried-and-true method is to make a point of thinking about what you are going to say before you say it, and imagining how he or she will react to your words. It may seem cumbersome, but it only takes a few moments and can save you hours of grief.

Also, if your partner does something that could be taken as offensive, like pretending to ignore you, say something like, “Honey I know you hear me, and I love you.” It can take the fire out of someone’s anger when he or she knows that a hurtful behavior has been forgiven without even an apology.

Most of us are aware of our behaviors, both good and bad. When we are not being the kind of man or woman that we’d like ourselves to be, that does a little damage to our self-esteem. If that keeps growing, it will leak into your relationship. Do your best to catch yourself and change this destructive pattern. All you have to do is talk about it.

Photo: Adam Tinworth via Flickr

Person To Person: Create Good Memories To Protect Your Relationships

Person To Person: Create Good Memories To Protect Your Relationships

By Judi Light Hopson, Emma H. Hopson and Ted Hagen, McClatchy-Tribune News Service

Are you really stressed out about a family illness or a job loss? Are you worried about the impact that challenging times will have on your children, your marriage, or your own sanity?

To cope with a hard blow in life, keep in mind that you need to plan some healthy activities while you’re walking through fire. Rely on free things, if you need to, but make sure you have something to look forward to.

Participating in some fun activities during painful times means you won’t feel so anguished when you look back.

Five years from now, you can remember how you played board games with your friends during 2014, instead of recalling how tough it was to find a new job, for example.

“I lost my job last fall,” says a hospital worker we’ll call James. “To keep my children from feeling my sadness, I started playing basketball with them every afternoon. This kept us all moving forward. I was adamant that we create some nice memories _ even though our lifestyle felt really shaky.”

Another woman we know says she started hiking while going through a divorce.

“Twice a week, I’d take a five-mile hike with four other people. I’d also listen to my favorite music a lot,” she told us. “When I look back, I think the hiking and the music kept me from hating my ex. We share custody of two children, so I didn’t want the divorce to destroy all of my good feelings toward my ex.”

Good memories, however simple, can help enhance a marriage, sibling relationship, or friendship. Anything from going to the movies to having coffee at a side-walk cafe, builds memories.

Make sure, however, that you focus on positive feelings while spending time with other people. Be very proactive in staying upbeat as you try to do the following.

  • Limit negative conversation. If you dump all your marriage problems on your best friend at lunch, you’ll erase the enjoyment of getting together.
  • Stay flexible. If you ask your brother to go fishing with you, for example, give him a choice on which day to go. Give him plenty of notice about your schedule, too. It’s easier to make sure you actually follow through and create good memories, if you factor in flexibility.
  • Create some excitement. A friend of ours hated the idea of joining a senior citizens center when his wife died. But, once he got involved in the billiard tournaments at the center, he was excited about going. Give yourself a challenge of some type, so you’ll want to get out of bed.

“I recall having a lot of fun during tough times when I was 6,” says a friend of ours we’ll call Matthew. “Dad got laid off at the plant where he worked. We were getting commodities from the government. My dad worked a very, very part-time as a truck driver and spent afternoons taking us on picnics. Those picnics consisted of crackers and government-issued meat and cheese, but the memories are priceless.”

Matthew says he remembers this time very fondly, because his family was close. “We were hanging by a thread, but we had each other,” he emphasizes. “Those simple picnics and fun times got us through. Dad finally got rehired at his old job. I’m sure he was frightened at times, but later, he agreed that we had some very special times during the job crisis.”

Photo: CocteauBoy via Flickr