1) I live in the United States of America. 2) I cannot afford to move to Vancouver on Nov. 9. If you answered “yes” to either of those questions, you have every right to feel depressed because it is overwhelmingly likely that our next president will have an approval rating lower than dirt.
“I’ve had a flawless campaign. You’ll be writing books about this campaign.” So said Donald Trump to ABC’s George Stephanopoulos a little over two weeks ago. The latter statement is undeniable. There may be more people wanting to write books on Trump than people wanting to read books on Trump.
Alone in his bedroom on a dark and stormy night, Donald Trump was inventing some tax returns, when the devil appeared before him. “Fear not,” the devil said. “You need not file tax returns — ever. Also, I will make sure you are elected president this year and again in 2020.”
That both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have the highest negative ratings among those who ran for president in both major parties this year seems to be telling us something. Maybe it’s: We don’t need to like them. We just need to get a kick out of them.
I love it when holders of high office who are arrogant, vain and disdainful suddenly decide that they need to stress one other quality to the voters: their humility. If Mike Pence were an act, nobody could play him better than Mike Pence.
This year, there is an added element to the conventions: Which party and which candidate can keep our citizens from being slaughtered and our police officers from being slain? Which can delay, if not halt, the march of horror across the globe and terror through our land?
Given the choice of picking a new campaign manager or picking a new eldest daughter, Trump went with Ivanka. And dumping Lewandowski, embarrassing as it was, gave the media something else to write about — like how embarrassing Trump’s running mate is going to be.
A press release from MSNBC was headlined “NBC News Report: ‘Donald Trump Does Not Have a Campaign.'” Which was kind of a surprise. Trump has a campaign plane and campaign rallies and a campaign press corps, so why doesn’t he have a campaign?
Politics is a rough game, and it is the rare candidate for public office who could not benefit from a little smacking around. Still, there are unwritten rules even for politics. And one rule says that you don’t stand behind a squealing microphone and suggest your opponent should be shot.
“Doctor, doctor!” Trump shouts. “How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?” The psychiatrist sighs. “Only one,” the psychiatrist says, “but the bulb really has got to want to change.” “You’ve heard that one before?” Trump says. “Everybody has heard that one before,” the psychiatrist says. Then he reaches into his desk drawer and takes out a form. “Full name?” he asks. “John Y. Miller,” Trump says.
Did Trump decide this week that invoking Lewinsky’s name would be a good way of changing the press narrative? Of getting the media to swivel its guns from stories about how he was changing his positions, to a story he believed would embarrass Hillary Clinton?
There are three major political parties in the United States: the Republican Party, the Democratic Party and the Trumpeter Party. The Republicans blow their horns for the rich. The Democrats blow their horns for the poor. And the Trumpeters just blow.
Barack Obama really does not have it so bad. He gets $400,000 a year in salary, $50,000 in expenses, a fleet of planes, a car and driver, and almost all the golf he can stand. In other words, the president’s life is almost as good as Donald Trump’s. With one major exception: President Obama feels actual remorse. And considerable responsibility. And Trump may never have felt either.
This is America. You feel blue or you get angry or you get drunk or you take drugs or you get driven by the demons speaking to you from inside your skull, and you grab a gun. When it comes to gun violence, it’s not about the numbers anymore. It is about the numbness.
I have no sympathy for people who awake with crushing hangovers. A hangover is God’s way of telling you that you are still alive. But I know you expect aid and comfort from me, so I will once again share with you my collection of expert cures for this hangover season