A Very Serious, And Not At All Sarcastic, Report On North Korea’s Nuclear Test
It’s been an eventful week for North Korea. Not only did leader Kim Jong-un claim to have successfully tested his largest nuclear warhead ever, but he also banned sarcasm for his entire country out of concern that the North Korean people were only supporting him ironically.
It’s a lot to process given tight restrictions on international media in the country. Fortunately, we at The National Memo have intercepted an official report from the North Korean nuclear test. It proves that the operation was indeed an unequivocal triumph.
September 8, 105*
Dear citizens of the “Democratic” “People’s” “Republic” “of” Korea,
No, those weren’t air quotes. Why would you think something silly like that? Anyway…
What. A. Day. I mean, boy, when was the last time you ever saw such an astonishing nuclear weapon test? The underground explosion was so huge, I couldn’t even see the whole thing. Wow.
Here’s a quick recap of the launch itself; sorry if the details are a bit technical. First, we dug a hole super-duper deep in the mud, dropped our big boy bomb inside, and then it did a giant KA-BLAM! Sorry, that’s science talk for something that blows up. For those of you struggling to follow my jargon, just know that the weapon worked really well. Probably the best weapon in the history of weapons. I can’t wait to put the next one onto a missile. I bet it’ll go sooooo far.
Believe me, it totally happened just like I said. The other engineers and I watched the crystal-clear live footage on our state-of-the-art color TV.
Gee, I was so excited about the rise of our new superweapon that I completely forgot about my starving family. But that’s just Korea for you—always coming out on top! Sorry, United States. Looks like you’re not the big man on campus anymore. Maybe I’ll go out for drinks with all my friends to celebrate.
Who can complain? All hail our “Great Leader”—what a fascinating guy :P. He’s got all the looks, the brains, the power, and still manages to be so incredibly humble. So, Kim Jong-un, from one basketball fan to another, let me congratulate you on your latest “slam dunk.”
Chalk it up as another inspiring victory for the Korean people. See you all at tomorrow’s mandatory parade! I couldn’t miss it for the world.
*We decided to restart our calendar in 1912, remember? What a super idea.