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A Very Serious, And Not At All Sarcastic, Report On North Korea’s Nuclear Test

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A Very Serious, And Not At All Sarcastic, Report On North Korea’s Nuclear Test

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north korea nuclear test

It’s been an eventful week for North Korea. Not only did leader Kim Jong-un claim to have successfully tested his largest nuclear warhead ever, but he also banned sarcasm for his entire country out of concern that the North Korean people were only supporting him ironically.

It’s a lot to process given tight restrictions on international media in the country. Fortunately, we at The National Memo have intercepted an official report from the North Korean nuclear test. It proves that the operation was indeed an unequivocal triumph.

 

September 8, 105*

Dear citizens of the “Democratic” “People’s” “Republic” “of” Korea,

No, those weren’t air quotes. Why would you think something silly like that? Anyway…

What. A. Day. I mean, boy, when was the last time you ever saw such an astonishing nuclear weapon test? The underground explosion was so huge, I couldn’t even see the whole thing. Wow.

Here’s a quick recap of the launch itself; sorry if the details are a bit technical. First, we dug a hole super-duper deep in the mud, dropped our big boy bomb inside, and then it did a giant KA-BLAM! Sorry, that’s science talk for something that blows up. For those of you struggling to follow my jargon, just know that the weapon worked really well. Probably the best weapon in the history of weapons. I can’t wait to put the next one onto a missile. I bet it’ll go sooooo far.

Believe me, it totally happened just like I said. The other engineers and I watched the crystal-clear live footage on our state-of-the-art color TV.

Gee, I was so excited about the rise of our new superweapon that I completely forgot about my starving family. But that’s just Korea for you—always coming out on top! Sorry, United States. Looks like you’re not the big man on campus anymore. Maybe I’ll go out for drinks with all my friends to celebrate.

Who can complain? All hail our “Great Leader”—what a fascinating guy :P. He’s got all the looks, the brains, the power, and still manages to be so incredibly humble. So, Kim Jong-un, from one basketball fan to another, let me congratulate you on your latest “slam dunk.”

Chalk it up as another inspiring victory for the Korean people. See you all at tomorrow’s mandatory parade! I couldn’t miss it for the world.

Toodle-oo!

*We decided to restart our calendar in 1912, remember? What a super idea.

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12 Comments

  1. Dan S September 11, 2016

    It’s scary that there is actually the near equivalent of Trump as a lifetime dictator spending all his country’s resources on developing long range nuclear weapons. During the Cold War at least the US & former Soviet Union knew that if 1 of us did a first strike there would be a response. There are no victors in a nuclear exchange just casualties & lots of death & destruction. I shudder at the thought is there any possible diplomacy with North Korea or do we do what Harry Truman did to Japan & brought a swift end to World War II ?

    Reply
    1. Joan September 11, 2016

      Your not seriously suggesting that we nuke North Korea ensuring retaliation from Chinia, are you? This is just dangerously wrong and inhumane.

      1. Dan S September 12, 2016

        I certainly wouldn’t want it to come to that. If it appeared that North Korea has developed the ability to strike not necessarily the US but a country like Japan I would only see striking NK as a preventive measure from a much larger fallout if we do nothing. This is why we can’t allow someone like Trump making such vital life & death decisions. I can only hope & pray Kim Jong Un doesn’t dare do the unthinkable.

        1. Daniel Jones September 12, 2016

          When a man refuses to think things through, unthinking actions become much more likely. That includes unthinkable actions.

  2. Jon September 11, 2016

    At least Kim Jong-un is Trump’s 2nd favorite dictator. If he can get Putin distracted, Trump can romance Jong-un and bring peace and tranquility to the world.

    Reply
    1. Aaron_of_Portsmouth September 11, 2016

      Peace and tranquility to the world by those kindred souls—that’s hilarious. You nailed that one.

      (“Batman and Robin—The Nutty Version” for the 21st Century).

      1. Jon September 11, 2016

        Once in awhile I have to visit Trump’s bizarre world just to see what turning reality into fantasy feels like. Only he can solve all of the problems in this strange world.

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  3. 1standlastword September 11, 2016

    More evidence the world is run by a few really evil crazy men! It won’t be long now….

    Reply
  4. ralphkr September 11, 2016

    It is only a matter of time before the Asian version of Trump does something that injures China economically and that will be the end of Kim Jon-un. For a Communist country China is amazingly protective of their business interests.

    Reply
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