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I Finally Watched The First Debate, And Boy Am I Excited About This Rand Paul Character!

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I Finally Watched The First Debate, And Boy Am I Excited About This Rand Paul Character!

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U.S. Republican presidential candidate Senator Rand Paul waits to be introduced at a campaign stop at the National Sprint Car Hall of Fame and Museum in Knoxville, Iowa, in this January 29, 2016 file photo. REUTERS/Scott Morgan/Files

Like any other red-blooded American, I cherish the sacred duty of the vote. It is imperative that we stay informed about today’s issues, so that we can pick the best candidate for our next commander-in-chief.

It’s just a shame I’m always so gosh darn busy. Between all my blind dates, tattoo appointments, devastating breakups, and subsequent tattoo removals, I barely have time to keep up with the news. Still, I make a point of recording each and every debate so I can catch up later. They’re all there on my DVR, sandwiched between the last couple seasons of Frasier.

Fortunately, I finally managed to watch the first republican debate last Thursday after Frisbee golf, and wow, was I impressed. Oh sorry, did I call it the Republican debate? What I meant to say was “The Rand Paul Show!”

In a race littered with extremist loonies and establishment cronies, my Randy is a dream come true. He alone has the original ideas and track record change government from the inside out. It’s as if he’s found the perfect balance between insider and outsider, like someone stuck in a revolving door.

You can’t help but admire the way he stands up to those NSA goons. Whatever gossip I share over the phone is between me and my sisters, and not those bureaucratic looky-loos with their clip-on ties! Randy is finding a way to make technology safe again. He’s even given me the courage to install one of the AOL trial CDs I’ve been saving up the past few years.

And have you noticed his gorgeous head of hair? Now that’s a mug that would look good on a dollar bill!

Hold on, it gets better! Imagine my surprise the other week when I spotted Senator Paul eating, alone and unshaven, in the back dining room of a Golden Corral. Of course I wanted a photo with him, but I figured he was probably busy with official campaign business. So here’s what I did: on my way out of the restaurant, I graced him with a salute and tasteful rendition of “America the Beautiful.” Overwhelmed by gratitude, he buried his head in his hands and wept. I could tell his joyful tears were already washing away the grime from this great country.

Can’t wait to see what Randy does next! No spoilers, please.

Photo: U.S. Republican presidential candidate Senator Rand Paul waits to be introduced at a campaign stop at the National Sprint Car Hall of Fame and Museum in Knoxville, Iowa, in this January 29, 2016 file photo.  REUTERS/Scott Morgan/Files

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9 Comments

  1. Jebby Sanderson March 22, 2016

    What was the point of this bullshit?

    Reply
    1. JPHALL March 22, 2016

      SATIRE!

      1. Jebby Sanderson March 28, 2016

        But it’s not even funny.

        1. JPHALL March 28, 2016

          Satire does not have to be funny! Most define satire as “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” Humor in only one element of satire. Subject: Re: Comment on I Finally Watched The First Debate, And Boy Am I Excited About This Rand Paul Character!

  2. Butler Reynolds March 22, 2016

    When you have to put “Smart. Sharp. Funny. Fearless.” in your logo, that means you’re probably none of those.

    Reply
  3. I of John March 22, 2016

    What an odd column. Rand Paul was a candidate with a genuine point of view. Libertarians do have good points to make and should not be dismissed outright.

    Reply
  4. Kurt March 22, 2016

    I wish I didn’t click this article. Garbage.

    Reply
  5. Kurt CPI March 22, 2016

    Here finally we have the analytical opinion of a true political satirist. This guy should become a Republican. He buys into “The NSA is your friend”, Timothy Leary should be on the dollar bill, and apparently, “If you’re not me, you’ve no business having an opinion”. Satirical? Funny? Not even! If that was the objective he needs to try aiming at the target. (Hint to author: Turn around. You’re facing the wrong direction…).

    Reply
  6. Kurt March 23, 2016

    Haha! I laughed out loud in class – warning next time plz !!

    Reply

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