Tag: families
Grief, Revisited And Revised

Grief, Revisited And Revised

One autumn evening in 1999, I was driving with my 12-year-old daughter in the front passenger seat, when she asked me something about my childhood.

I don’t remember her question, but I doubt I’ll ever forget my answer.

“I don’t know, honey,” I told her. “We’ll have to ask Grandma.”

I slowed the car. My daughter grabbed my hand. “It’s OK, Mom,” she said.

My mom had died a month earlier. In that moment, I was forced to acknowledge that the first waves of loss were just the beginning of my grief. It was that undertow, merciless and unpredictable, that would pull me under.

I was reminded of that long-ago moment by a tweet this week from journalist Soledad O’Brien, who recently lost her father: “So many things I forgot to ask my dad. Ugh.”

It was a brave admission of vulnerability for O’Brien, who has nearly a million followers. It was the latest in a series of tweets since her father’s death. She has been living her grief out loud, in a venue known for its cruelty.

More than 13,000 people signaled their support by clicking the heart icon. Nearly 1,000 responded, many of them sharing glimpses of their own stumbles into the abyss. The thread illustrated how grief, with all its particularities, remains a shared experience in the way it hollows us out. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross didn’t list the five stages of love, after all.

Grief, as anyone who has experienced it knows, has a way of sneaking up on us. In his meditation titled For Grief, John O’Donohue wrote:

Flickers of guilt kindle regret

For all that was left unsaid or undone.

There are days when you wake up happy;

Again inside the fullness of life,

Until the moment breaks

And you are thrown back

Many responding to O’Brien’s tweet of longing urged others to have those conversations with loved ones before they die. Sound advice, especially for those of us who want to believe we have all the time in the world. We are our stories, which include the stories of those who knew us before we knew ourselves. As a journalist for nearly four decades, I’ve known the privilege of listening to stories told for the first time simply because I was the first to ask.

In that same meditation, O’Donohue promises a reprieve for those who grieve:

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance

With the invisible form of your departed;

The wound of loss will heal

And you will have learned

To wean your eyes

From that gap in the air

In your soul where your loved one

Has awaited your return

All the time.

Earlier this week, in my ethics class in Kent State’s journalism school, we were discussing how far we should go in writing about people in our lives. Do we need their permission? Do we owe them pre-publication review? What is fair, to them and to us?

I told my students a story.

Mom had a gift for mangling movie names. She didn’t mind that I wrote an essay about it, because she loved knowing she could make people laugh.

This was the year before she died. We were on a road trip from Cleveland to the Jersey shore, an extravagance in my single-mother days. I knew something was wrong with my mom, and she did, too. We didn’t yet know what it was or how long she had to live, but we had an unspoken sense of urgency to do something memorable together.

Off we went, in a minivan with my daughter and three of our friends. At one point during the nine-hour drive, we were talking about horror movies, inexplicably my gentle mother’s favorite genre.

Boy, did my students laugh.

Mom loved that. Deep inside me, I could hear her laughing.

Connie Schultz is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist and professional in residence at Kent State University’s school of journalism. She is the author of two books, including “…and His Lovely Wife,” which chronicled the successful race of her husband, Sherrod Brown, for the U.S. Senate. To find out more about Connie Schultz (con.schultz@yahoo.com) and read her past columns, please visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.

IMAGE: Picture taken by Swiss adventurer Andre Borschberg onboard Solar Impulse 2 (Si2) during the flight from Tusla/OK to Dayton/OH shows the Mississippi river at sunset, May 21, 2016. Andre Borschberg, Jean Revillard, Christophe Chammartin/SI2/Handout via Reuters

Loved One In Assisted Living? Make Holidays Merry For All

Loved One In Assisted Living? Make Holidays Merry For All

By Debbie Carlson, Chicago Tribune (TNS)

Stress levels during the holidays often increase, and families with a relative residing in an assisted-living facility may fret about how to include the family member in celebrations. Typically, residents in assisted living — as opposed to nursing homes or independent living — are mobile enough to get around, but advanced age or health issues can limit their capabilities.

The burden can be twofold. Many families are unsure whether or not those relatives should leave their residence to join holiday celebrations. Also, they may be concerned about how much time they can or should devote to visit relatives, especially if distance is a factor.

“No matter how much you see your family in assisted living, I think you’re always going to feel like it wasn’t enough,” said Stephanie Zishka, co-owner of BrightStar Care of Fort Wayne and Lafayette, Ind., and a registered nurse. “Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t spend more time.”

Psychologists and administrators in these facilities say it’s important for families to try to balance their other obligations with visits to loved ones during the holidays. Here is some advice to consider.

Consult with the facility staff. Before deciding on whether or not to bring grandma home for the day, ask the facility staff if such a visit would be disruptive to the person or the host family. Zishka and Dr. Ildiko Tabori, a Los Angeles-based licensed clinical psychologist, said facility staff can help you determine if the relative is functioning well enough for a home visit. Additionally, they said, families need to review whether their home is equipped to accommodate the visitor, especially if he or she needs a mobility aid.

Maryann Crenny, administrator and director of operations at FilBen Group, a New York-based developer and manager of assisted-living properties, said to keep in mind that elderly people can tire easily, so be prepared to limit the visit. Don’t expect them to stay more than six hours, and keep early bedtimes in mind. It also would be wise to have someone available to drive them home at any time.

Decorate and deliver holiday reminders. Decorating the family member’s room with appropriate holiday items is recommended. (Check with facility staff for prohibited items.)

For example, Tabori said, “bringing a small Christmas tree, the kind you buy at the drugstore, is nice.”

The same applies to favorite foods. Again, consult with the nursing staff for any dietary restrictions.

Take advantage of technology. Jack York, chief executive of Colorado-based It’s Never 2 Late, which provides senior-friendly technology to assisted-living communities, said there are ways to relive past holidays using slide shows or videos.

For facilities without technology, families can bring in large-screen laptops or tablets. If visiting on-site isn’t possible, York said that facilities equipped with Wi-Fi can accommodate webcams to connect relatives on holidays.

Celebrating there: All ages welcome. Facilities will often have holiday parties and invite families to take part, Crenny said.

“The elderly residents do respond extremely well with children, even if (they’re) not their own. Children really bring residents to life,” she said.

Gifts to go around. When you’re celebrating at their place, don’t just bring presents for your relatives to open. Bring a round of gifts for everyone to open, Tabori said.

“The patient can still watch the enjoyment of a grandchild opening presents,” Tabori said.

It’s the visit that counts, not its length.

“Any sort of visit is good,” Zishka said. “Even a five-minute stop in can have a huge impact.”

Debbie Carlson is a freelance reporter.

©2015 Chicago Tribune. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

Photo: Holidays with elderly relatives who are in an assisted living facility can present challenges, but the rewards are plentiful, whether you celebrate in their home or yours. (Arina Habich/Fotolia)

Shelter From The Storm: Homelessness At Its Worst Since The Depression

Shelter From The Storm: Homelessness At Its Worst Since The Depression

The scale of the homeless population is so massive, it’s difficult to visualize. But Ian Frazier, writing in The New Yorker, comes close when he illustrates it: “Yankee Stadium seats 50,287. If all the homeless people who live in New York City used the stadium for a gathering, several thousand of them would have to stand.”

From coast to coast, homelessness in America is rising.

According to the Los Angeles Homeless Services Authority’s biennial report, which was published Monday, the homeless population in Los Angeles County increased 12 percent over the last two years. Encampments—such as tents, makeshift residences, and people living in vehicles—increased 85 percent to 9,535, the report notes.

The Los Angeles Times blames the rising homeless population — 44,369 since January — in part on gentrification. With rents increasing and new luxury residences replacing the cheap hotels, motels, and single-room apartments that offered sanctuary to the poor, housing for the transient is growing scarce.

The increase in homelessness is exacerbated by the changes wrought by gentrification, but is rooted in a lack of funding for shelters and other services, once handled by the city, which have now largely fallen on the shoulders of religious not-for-profit groups. High unemployment rates and a void of legal protections has hindered progress further.

Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti has pledged to eliminate homelessness among veterans in the area, offering to house all homeless vets by the end of the year. Though Garcetti said that this project was more than halfway done, the number of homeless veterans remains at about 4,400, only 6 percent lower than it was two years ago.

This news comes after the Obama administration offered $30 million in grants and services to Los Angeles County, which has the largest homeless-veteran population in the nation.

New York City maintains a legal right to shelter for its homeless, but it has more than its share of issues when handling its homeless population. Homelessness in New York is the highest it has been since the Great Depression—60,167 people are homeless, meaning about 1 in every 152 New Yorkers lives on the street.

Homelessness “is both the problem and the symptom,” says the Bowery Mission, an organization that has provided services to help New York City’s homeless for over 130 years. According to its mission statement, homelessness is both the result and cause of “chronic substance abuse, financial instability caused by unemployment or underemployment, mental illness, domestic violence, sexual victimization, and more.”

However, as in L.A., it’s not all terrible news. The homeless population has dropped 5 percent since Mayor Bill de Blasio took office. The record decrease — 92 percent in the borough of Queens, for instance — does not diminish the fact that the majority of the homeless are situated in the city’s center. “Nearly 60 percent of New York City’s unsheltered homeless population is in [midtown] Manhattan,” according to prominent advocacy group Coalition for the Homeless.

City officials announced that they will commit $100 million in annual spending to measures aimed at ameliorating the homeless crisis. The money will be directed toward more affordable housing, legal assistance, and job training, according to a recent New York Times article.

But one problem stands out from the reports on the Los Angeles and New York City homeless populations: The statistics are underreported, reflecting how difficult it is to accurately record the total number of people living without permanent shelter.

Furthermore, many of the unsheltered homeless reject help. “Normally they will not accept service unless it’s on their own terms,” reports the Times.

Recovery for the homeless is a multitudinous process. The Bowery Mission’s stance is that any effective solution will need to take into account the individual’s spiritual, physical, and emotional needs, and that the homeless should not be pushed to the fringes of our cities.

Photo: J J via Flickr

‘Modern’ Families Struggle More Financially Than Conventional Ones, Study Says

‘Modern’ Families Struggle More Financially Than Conventional Ones, Study Says

By Walter Hamilton, Los Angeles Times

Nontraditional families, such as those headed by single parents or same-sex couples, are in far worse financial shape than conventional households headed by married heterosexuals with children, according to a new study.

Nontraditional families fare much worse across a variety of measures, including their ability to save money for emergencies and their own sense of economic well-being, according to the survey by insurance company Allianz.

Nearly half of so-called modern families, for example, live paycheck to paycheck. That compares with 41 percent of conventional households, according to the survey.

Only three in 10 nontraditional households have a high degree of confidence in their financial well-being versus 41 percent for their conventional counterparts.

The financial woes of modern families are a big issue given the growth of nontraditional structures in recent decades. Only 19.6 percent of U.S. households are composed of married heterosexual couples with children, down from the 40.3 percent in 1970, according to Allianz.

Aside from same-sex couples and single-parent homes, Alllianz defined nontraditional families as those with three or more generations living under one roof; blended families in which at least one parent has a child from a prior relationship; older parents with young children; or parents whose adult children live with them.

“New family structures have a direct impact on a family’s relationship with money and finances — and we found that, while modern families have similar strong emotional ties, they often feel financially less secure than their traditional counterparts,” said Katie Libbe, an expert on consumer insights at Allianz.

Photo: Evil Erin via Flickr