Tag: roger simon
Ask Dr. Politics: Which Potato Head Do You Want For President?

Ask Dr. Politics: Which Potato Head Do You Want For President?

Ask Dr. Politics! You are fair, and I am unbalanced!

Q: I’ve been feeling very depressed lately, and I am wondering whether you can help.

A: Take this simple test.

1) I live in the United States of America.

2) I cannot afford to move to Vancouver on Nov. 9.

If you answered “yes” to either of those questions, you have every right to feel depressed because it is overwhelmingly likely that our next president will have an approval rating lower than dirt.

Q: Yeah, but I read that approval ratings are just a bunch of baloney dreamed up by the media over the years to increase their circulation, viewership and/or clicks. In other words, we shouldn’t take them too seriously.

A: Wow, who wrote something as idiotic as that?

Q: You did.

A: Oh. In that case, it may be true. But keep in mind that one of these two potato heads is going to win the presidency. So we should vote for the potato head who would cause the least damage to our democracy.

Q: What do the candidates say?

A: Last week, Hillary Clinton said in Reno, Nevada: “From the start, Donald Trump has built his campaign on prejudice and paranoia. He is taking hate groups mainstream and helping a radical fringe take over the Republican Party. His disregard for the values that make our country great is profoundly dangerous.”

And Trump said: “Clinton is going to try and accuse … decent Americans who support this campaign, your campaign, of being racists, which we’re not. It’s the oldest play in the Democratic playbook. … The people of this country who want their laws enforced and respected, respected by all, and who want their borders secured are not racists.”

Q: Can we believe either of them?

A: An excellent question. Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said in a statement Thursday that Clinton’s speech “proved to the American public what we have known all along — Hillary Clinton has no hope, no vision and no ideas for the future of our country. … We’re living in her head rent-free, and that must terrify the political insiders who want to keep things exactly the way they are.”

Q: What does it mean that we’re “living in her head rent-free”?

A: No idea, but if Clinton is really our new landlord, I’d like lower rent, more hot water in the morning and those darn millennials below me to stop playing Skrillex and Diplo’s “Where Are Ü Now” all day and all night long.

Q: You should run for president.

A: I have seriously considered it. With the Gallup Poll from last month showing Trump with a 63 percent unfavorable rating and Clinton with a 54 percent unfavorable rating, you gotta figure anybody should give it a try. Nobody can figure out why some people hate these two and why some people love them.

As Trump said at a rally in January in Sioux Center, Iowa: “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters.”

Q: But if the guy Trump shot died, wouldn’t Trump lose that vote?

A: Not if the guy were registered in Chicago.

Q: Huma Abedin is a close adviser to Hillary Clinton. Abedin recently separated from her husband, Anthony Weiner, after Weiner sent “suggestive images” and messages to a woman with his young son beside him. In other words, Weiner, a former congressman, appears to be a very disturbed guy.

Trump now says Clinton may have given classified information to Abedin, who then may have passed it on to Weiner. There is no proof, but should we be worried?

A: Abedin is supposed to be very bright, so it is hard to believe she would give Weiner access to any sensitive material, including her Netflix password.

Q: But Trump said in a statement: “I only worry for the country in that Hillary Clinton was careless and negligent in allowing Weiner to have such close proximity to highly classified information. Who knows what he learned and who he told? It’s just another example of Hillary Clinton’s bad judgment.”

A: And Trump, who has all the good judgment of a box of rocks, might pass on classified material to just about anybody through carelessness and negligence. Trump received his first classified national security briefing Aug. 17 against the vociferous opposition of Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, who argued that Trump was too irresponsible to get such material.

“I would suggest to the intelligence agencies … don’t tell him anything. Just fake it, because this man is dangerous.” Reid said. “Fake it. Pretend you’re doing a briefing, but you can’t give him any information.”

Q: Is that good advice?

A: I’m not sure. After all, Trump has demonstrated he can keep a secret.

Q: He has?

A: Sure. He is keeping his tax returns a huge secret.

Roger Simon is Politico’s chief political columnist. His new e-book, “Reckoning: Campaign 2012 and the Fight for the Soul of America,” can be found on Amazon.com, BN.com and iTunes. To find out more about Roger Simon and read features by other Creators writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators webpage at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2016 CREATORS.COM

Photo: David Amsler

The Mayor Of Trumpville Needs Serenity Now

The Mayor Of Trumpville Needs Serenity Now

“I’ve had a flawless campaign. You’ll be writing books about this campaign.”

So said Donald Trump to ABC’s George Stephanopoulos a little over two weeks ago. The latter statement is undeniable. There may be more people wanting to write books on Trump than people wanting to read books on Trump.

I could have that wrong, however. I may be selling the American public short.

Take a look at the summaries of the top three books on The New York Times’ nonfiction best-seller list as of this Sunday: 1) “A former Secret Service officer claims to have witnessed scandalous behavior by the Clintons.” 2) “The conservative author and pundit warns of disaster if Hillary Clinton is elected president.” 3) “The political strategist offers a game plan for how to defeat Hillary Clinton.”

So the bar for making the best-seller list seems to have been set rather low — like, 6 inches off the ground low.

That leaves us with Trump’s first assertion: that his campaign has been “flawless.”

As Trump was making this statement, he was in possession of internal polling showing that a troubling number of voters described him in two words: “unqualified” and “racist.”

“Flawless” did not make the list. “Pathological liar” may make the next one.

On Monday, Trump said he wants a new standard for allowing immigrants to enter the United States. Reading carefully from a teleprompter (the better to look “flawless”), Trump said: “We should only admit into this country those who share our values and respect our people. … The time is overdue to develop a new screening test for the threats we face today. I call it ‘extreme vetting.'”

To Trump’s dismay, however, he has discovered that our system of democracy has already developed a system of “extreme vetting” when it comes to presidential politics. It is a long, torturous, draining process. It is called “campaigning.”

Trump thought he could run for president on his own terms. He would give speeches at big rallies, take part in debates where he could be as outrageous as he wanted to be and then get on his Trump plane, eat a Trump steak and go back to his penthouse in Trump Tower and sleep on Trump sheets (probably made in China).

The press would serve as a team of traveling stenographers, taking down his every word and presenting it to the public without context, analysis or any judgment as to whether he was speaking the truth, fibbing a little, making an honest mistake or lying through his teeth.

It hasn’t turned out that way. Trump has found that presidential campaigning is a bigger and more complicated system than he ever imagined. It is grinding him up and spitting him out. And he has nobody to blame but himself.

Back in 2008, when Hillary Clinton first ran for president, her small, insular, passionately devoted inner circle of aides and friends was known as “Hillaryland.”

This year, there is “Trumpville.” Though a few of his children and paid staff members are allowed to contribute a word or two here and there, Trumpville has only one real resident: Donald Trump.

And Trump thinks he is doing a “flawless” job. Trying to fool the press and public is one thing. But when you start to fool yourself, you are in real trouble.

A few days ago, The New York Times interviewed several people close to Trump who described him as often being “sullen” and “erratic.” He “broods.” He is “exhausted, frustrated and still bewildered.” He is “profoundly uncomfortable” and “disoriented.” He is “confused” and “scared.”

To steady him, Trump’s advisers have brought in two “seasoned figures” for him to sit around and schmooze with. They are supposed to bring serenity now to his campaign. They are bitter failed presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani and bitter failed presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. Those schmooze sessions must be a million laughs.

So looking at the Trump campaign, you find that the reviews are bad, the polls are bad and the candidate’s mood is bad. This recently led NBC News to conclude, “The good news for Trump is that it can only get better from here.”

Wrong.

When it comes to campaigning for president, pessimists say things are so terrible that they can’t get any worse.

Optimists say oh, yes, they can.

Roger Simon is Politico’s chief political columnist. His new e-book, “Reckoning: Campaign 2012 and the Fight for the Soul of America,” can be found on Amazon.com, BN.com and iTunes. To find out more about Roger Simon and read features by other Creators writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators webpage at www.creators.com.

Photo: Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump conducts a round table discussion on security at Trump Tower in the Manhattan borough of New York, U.S., August 17, 2016. REUTERS/Carlo Allegri

The Devil And Donald Trump

The Devil And Donald Trump

Alone in his bedroom on a dark and stormy night, Donald Trump was inventing some tax returns, when the devil appeared before him.

“Fear not,” the devil said. “You need not file tax returns — ever. Also, I will make sure you are elected president this year and again in 2020.

“But in return, you must sell me your soul. You must betray all decent principles. You must pander, trivialize and deceive. You must gain victory by exploiting bigotry, fear, envy and greed. And you must conduct a campaign based on lies, sham, hype and distortion.”

“So,” Trump said, “what’s the catch?”

It could have been worse. The devil could have asked Trump to prove he really had “bone spurs” that kept him out of the Vietnam draft. Or prove he knew that Crimea is part of Russia. Or prove that he knew anything about the U.S. Constitution.

The Constitution! Jeez Louise! Nobody told Trump that was going to be on the final.

And now everybody on his staff was running around screaming and shouting as if presidents had to know stuff. At the very beginning of his campaign, Trump had put together what he called his “Brain Gang,” made up of political experts (whom none of the other campaigns would hire).

A few months later, the leader of the Brain Gang would be … what’s-his-name. The guy who looked as if he combed his hair with teeth whitener. Pence. That was it. Mike Pence. Mr. Personality.

But who had vetted Pence? And speaking of vetting, they couldn’t have found a veteran to put on the ticket?

Trump went over to the World Wide Interweb machine that his kids had bought him so they wouldn’t have to answer his questions. Trump typed in: “How many veterans are there in the United States?”

The machine answered instantly: “There are 21.8 million veterans of the U.S. armed forces as of 2014, according the Census Bureau.”

In 2012, neither party had a veteran on the ticket, which was the first time since 1932. Both Pence and Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Kaine have sons in the Marines, but the veteran on a major-party ticket most recently was John McCain in 2008. McCain, a retired Navy captain, was ridiculed by Trump for being captured by the North Vietnamese.

But here it was, 2016, and some bald guy with a round head, Khizr Khan, had taken a copy of the Constitution from his suit jacket pocket and said that Trump doesn’t know what’s in the document and that Trump has “sacrificed nothing” for his country.

Trump knew a trap when he saw one. He went over to his interweb machine and found out the Constitution could not possibly be kept in a jacket pocket. In fact, the Constitution is on display in a row of large glass cases in the rotunda of the National Archives Museum. You would need a crane to lift it.

So Khizr Khan lies, and this was one of the rare times in history that Trump had proof.

“Mr. Khan, who does not know me, viciously attacked me from the stage of the DNC and is now all over T.V. doing the same – Nice!” Trump tweeted Monday.

“This story is not about Mr. Khan, who is all over the place doing interviews,” Trump also tweeted, “but rather RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISM and the U.S. Get smart!”

ABC’s George Stephanopoulos had gotten all snippy about the whole thing Sunday, asking Trump why Khan had accused Trump of sacrificing nothing for his country.

And when you think about it, not only has Trump sacrificed nothing personally to fight RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISM but in his 70 years on this planet, it appears Trump has never done much, if any, public service.

This might not be so striking if not for the fact that prior public service used to be considered a prerequisite for election to the presidency.

So Stephanopoulos ran the clip of Khan denouncing Trump and then said, “He said you have sacrificed nothing and no one.”

Trump replied, “Well, that sounds — who wrote that? Did Hillary’s scriptwriters write it?”

Stephanopoulos continued: “How would you answer that father? What sacrifice have you made for your country?”

Trump’s response: “I think I’ve made a lot of sacrifices. I work very, very hard. I’ve created thousands and thousands of jobs, tens of thousands of jobs, built great structures. I’ve had tremendous success.”

“Those are sacrifices?” Stephanopoulos asked.

“Oh, sure, I think they’re sacrifices,” Trump said.

And in a way, Trump may be correct. As to the “great structures” he has built, Trump has sacrificed almost all sense of taste, artfulness, style and creativity.

So maybe he did that deal with the devil after all.

 

Roger Simon is Politico’s chief political columnist. His new e-book, “Reckoning: Campaign 2012 and the Fight for the Soul of America,” can be found on Amazon.com, BN.com and iTunes. To find out more about Roger Simon and read features by other Creators writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators webpage at www.creators.com.

Photo: DonkeyHotey

We Don’t Need to Like Them; Just Loving Them Will Be Enough

We Don’t Need to Like Them; Just Loving Them Will Be Enough

All politics is theater, but some parts are more theatrical than others.

The nominating conventions have become pure theater. Once upon a time the conventions chose candidates for the presidency, but now we have primaries and caucuses to do that.

The conventions could easily be dispensed with. They are vastly expensive and can be pretty darn boring. But they still exist because, like theater, they entertain.

They are live events where the most beautiful people in our society — the network anchors and TV reporters — parade before us.

Simon Rosenberg, who runs a left-wing think tank, told reporters recently: “I think part of what’s going on in this election is that Americans are bored with politics, and at least Donald Trump is interesting. What the Clinton campaign has to do is not make him interesting but make him threatening.”

That both Trump and Hillary Clinton have the highest negative ratings among those who ran for president in both major parties this year seems to be telling us something. Maybe it’s: We don’t need to like them. We just need to get a kick out of them.

The Republicans had their opportunity to get a kick out of Clinton last week — do the shouts of “Lock her up! Put her in stripes!” still linger in the air of Cleveland? — and how fitting it was for an actress, America Ferrera, to have one of the more memorable lines in Philadelphia: “Donald’s not making America great again. He’s making America hate again.”

But the Democrats choreographed their four days wisely. Powerful speeches in the beginning and then some compelling life stories and then Hillary’s speech.

The final night seemed a flop until about 9 p.m., when a man named Khizr Khan, a Muslim immigrant whose son died saving the lives of 10 of his fellow soldiers in Iraq, came to the stage. Khan took a slim volume from his suit coat pocket and addressed Trump: “Have you even read the United States Constitution? …

“You have sacrificed nothing — and no one. … We are stronger together. … I ask every patriot American, all Muslim immigrants and all immigrants to not take this election lightly. … On Election Day, take the time to get out and vote. …

“Hillary Clinton was right when she called my son ‘the best of America.’ If it was up to Donald Trump, he never would have been in America.”

And he never would have gone to Iraq as a U.S. soldier and saved 10 lives.

Clinton was the star of the evening, of course, and though her voice lacked the power and richness of either her husband’s or Barack Obama’s, it was plenty good enough — especially for moments such as this one, when she said:

“My mother, Dorothy, was abandoned by her parents as a young girl. She ended up on her own at 14, working as a housemaid. She was saved by the kindness of others. Her first-grade teacher saw she had nothing to eat at lunch and brought extra food to share the entire year. The lesson she passed on to me years later stuck with me: No one gets through life alone.”

Earlier in her life, when Dorothy was just 3 or 4, her parents would leave her for days at a time and tell her to go to the corner cafe for food. A biographical film of Clinton, narrated by Morgan Freeman, had shown a picture of her mother as a child — she was a tiny thing — and you could imagine this young child, all alone and frightened, having to walk out at night and get food.

And that made it easier to understand Clinton and what drives her and what toughens her.

“In the end, it comes down to what Donald Trump doesn’t get: America is great because America is good,” she said. “So enough with the bigotry and the bombast. Donald Trump’s not offering real change. He’s offering empty promises.”

Some Trump people thought facing a woman would be easy. They thought wrong.

“Do you really think Donald Trump has the temperament to be commander in chief?” Clinton said. “Donald Trump can’t even handle the rough-and-tumble of a presidential campaign. He loses his cool at the slightest provocation — when he’s gotten a tough question from a reporter, when he’s challenged in a debate, when he sees a protester at a rally. … Imagine him in the Oval Office facing a real crisis. A man you can bait with a tweet is not a man we can trust with nuclear weapons.”

So much for Trump.

She concluded: “I know that at a time when so much seems to be pulling us apart, it can be hard to imagine how we’ll ever pull together. But I’m here to tell you tonight progress is possible. I know because I’ve seen it in the lives of people across America who get knocked down and get right back up.”

A few moments later, she was finished and the roars began. Her running mate came out on the stage, and then Bill Clinton — his eyes red from crying — came out and gave her a hug that seemed as if it would go on forever.

And she didn’t seem to mind that one bit.

Roger Simon is Politico’s chief political columnist. His new e-book, “Reckoning: Campaign 2012 and the Fight for the Soul of America,” can be found on Amazon.com, BN.com and iTunes.

 

Photo: A combination photo shows Republican U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump (L) in Palm Beach, Florida and Democratic U.S. presidential candidate Hillary Clinton (R) in Miami, Florida at their respective Super Tuesday primaries campaign events on March 1, 2016. REUTERS/Scott Audette (L), Javier Galeano (R)