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This Week In Crazy: How To Zap God Out Of Your Head

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This Week In Crazy: How To Zap God Out Of Your Head

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Captain America is anti-American, scientists can nuke the religion right out of your brain, and the End Times are in sight.

Welcome to “This Week In Crazy,” The National Memo’s weekly update on the loony, bigoted, and hateful behavior of the increasingly unhinged right wing. Starting with number five:

5. Rush Limbaugh

In case you were not aware, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton testified before the House Benghazi Committee Thursday. To give his listeners a taste of what to expect, Rush Limbaugh looked into the tea leaves on his Monday show and predicted the whole thing was “going to be a giant nothing burger.”

Fair enough. The legitimacy of the committee has been thoroughly gutted — thanks in no small part to Republicans cheerfully parading the fact that this has all been one badly botched political hit job.

So yes, it was safe to predict that committee chair Trey Gowdy and his investigation theater show were pretty much D.O.A. — undone by sloppy hubris and a nakedly political agenda. A “giant nothing burger,” indeed.

Oh wait. Rush wasn’t finished.

It is going to be a giant nothing burger. The Democrats will waste as must time as possible praising Hillary for her cervix. Yes I meant that. You think I meant to say service, right? No, they’re going to praise her for being a woman. It’s a big deal now. She’s a victim. It’s the reason she’s running. To be the first woman. So they’re going to praise her cervix. What else is there? When you’re talking about that to praise. They can’t mention the wig. So they’ll praise her — okay, okay, I’ll say service. Just to smooth it over.

Yes. Very “smooth.”

Via Media Matters

Next: Fox & Friends

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Sam Reisman

Sam Reisman is the former managing editor at The National Memo, where he still writes the weekly "This Week In Crazy" column. His writing has appeared in Flavorpill, The Huffington Post, Columbia Daily Spectator, and Bwog. He was the publisher of the 2010 edition of Inside New York, an annual guidebook to the city for students and young professionals.

Since 2011, he has co-curated and hosted Peculiar Streams, a showcase for NYC-based writers, musicians, comedians, and filmmakers. He is a staff writer at Mediaite, and blogs at SamReisman.com.

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54 Comments

  1. Buford2k11 October 23, 2015

    the modern GOP is the party of Bin Laden…he Built the Gop…one idiot at a time…starting with GWB….

    Reply
    1. FireBaron October 23, 2015

      Actually, do you remember a guy named Reagan? You know, the one who helped arm OBL and al Quaida in their fight against the Russians in Afghanistan? I think you can start putting the current situation in his lap.

      Reply
      1. Bill October 23, 2015

        Reagan, GOP hero, God must have forgiven all his Sins, because he sure was a lousy President.

        Reply
        1. Polana October 23, 2015

          He is talking to them now and telling ALL of them to RUN. After all he was their god.

          Reply
        2. Independent1 October 23, 2015

          If you take into account all the destruction his brainwashing of the American public has created which has brought our country to the ruination that it is today; he was even a worse president than Bush jr.. if you can imagine that being possible.

          Reply
  2. dtgraham October 23, 2015

    So Joe Miller thinks that “the whole transgender crowd” could one day use magnets to zap the brains of conservative Christians and presumably make them all transgender people. Huh. How do you like that. I guess then you could simply summarize the political philosophy of the tea party with the phrase, “every man for herself.”

    Reply
    1. Independent1 October 23, 2015

      Since he’s actually talking about ‘Conservative Christians’ who are actually worshipers of the Devil, he may be right about those magnets zapping their brains given that there’s very little brain matter between the ears of those FAKE Christians; it shouldn’t take much zapping to erase everything from their thought processes.

      Reply
  3. plc97477 October 23, 2015

    I am starting to think (yes I realize I am a little slow) that rush limbaugh has some form of vaginal envy.

    Reply
    1. @HawaiianTater October 23, 2015

      Rush shouldn’t be envious of Hillary’s vagina. I’m sure his is every bit as nice as hers.

      Reply
      1. stcroixcarp October 23, 2015

        Do you suppose Rush would be outraged if the ladies started talking about which of the GOPer men has the biggest beans and weinie? Some of those GOPers must have low-t or really bad reactions to viagra. How else would anyone explain Huckabee’s obsession with gays and transgender people in bathrooms. Or Jingle and Santorum’s passion for the unborn. And poor Trump seems to be suffering from ‘roid rage.

        Reply
      2. Polana October 23, 2015

        Imagine – she survived 11 hrs of badgering and Trump the dump and Carson the druggie complain about 3 hrs of standing and talking is 2 much for them. I wonder how soon they will go to bed or get up in case of emergency. Just IMAGINE them as your PRESIDENT. God – if U exist -PLEASE STOP TALKING TO THEM.

        Reply
        1. Independent1 October 23, 2015

          Actually, you’re directing that request to the wrong spirit. It’s The Great Deceiver (Satan) that’s been whispering in all these GOPers ears pretending to be God. He’s the true leader of the Devil’s Party (aka the GOP).

          Reply
    2. idamag October 23, 2015

      He might be some kind of perp. He sure likes to focus on crotches, doesn’t he?

      Reply
    3. John Murchison October 23, 2015

      Now that you mention it, it does explain a great deal about Rush’s preoccupation with peoples’ nether regions. Perhaps he would like to make a little change someday (snip snip) Of course he would have to go for the bulk rate on the plastic surgery.

      Reply
    4. Polana October 23, 2015

      I call him Limpballs

      Reply
  4. johninPCFL October 23, 2015

    So Ben Carson joins the crowd with Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin. God communicated personally with each of them to run, too.

    At what point does the all powerful, all knowing God just admit that She’s only kidding?

    Reply
    1. The_Magic_M October 28, 2015

      Probably when the loon wins and She’s all like “Oh myself, I didn’t really *mean* for that idiot to win!”

      Reply
  5. Carl Sdano October 23, 2015

    The only word that accurately describes Rush Limbaugh is “demented”.

    Reply
  6. Paul Bass October 23, 2015

    So if God told both Ben Carson and Ted Cruz to run, do they have different Gods? Which God is better? If neither of these yahoos win, does that mean God lost?

    I am so confused with this notion of a Christian God supporting one Republican over another, and definitely NOT supporting a Democrat. I didn’t know God was political!

    So again, which Republican does God support? I’m still confused.

    Reply
    1. idamag October 23, 2015

      Remember Romney prayed and was told he would be president, too.

      Reply
      1. Paul Bass October 23, 2015

        I know, that is why I’m so confused about God’s support of republicans.

        Do you think they are just LYING about hearing from God? Or is their god just not very powerful?

        You can see why this might be confusing to a non-Christian.

        Reply
        1. idamag October 23, 2015

          They might be hearing the voices in their heads. You know, like Son-of-Sam did.

          Reply
        2. Independent1 October 23, 2015

          Actually who’s calling all these Republicans is ‘The Great Deceiver’ (Satan) pretending to be God. He’s really the leader of the Devil’s Party (aka the GOP).

          Reply
          1. Sand_Cat October 24, 2015

            I thought Scott Walker is Satan.

            Reply
          2. Independent1 October 24, 2015

            Scott’s just another of the Devil’s henchmen like Limbaugh, Beck, the clown show presidential candidates and virtually every other of today’s politically motivated Republicans and members of the Republican propaganda network like Faux News, Brietbart, etal.

            Reply
          3. plc97477 October 24, 2015

            I thought cheney was satan. I swear I see horns whenever he is on tv.

            Reply
          4. idamag October 24, 2015

            IF ONLY DICK WOULD HURRY UP AND DIE

            Old Satan was getting old
            and his back was bent.
            His get-up-and-go-torture
            got up and went.
            at long last the time had come
            for him to retire.
            He was burned out (pun intended)
            from stoking that infernal fire.
            His joints hurt.
            His knees gave such pain.
            If only he could find someone
            he wouldn’t have to train.
            He sat down at his desk
            to formulate a plan.
            It came to him!
            Dick Cheney was his man.

            Reply
        3. plc97477 October 24, 2015

          It is just possible that they do not recognize the voice of God and thought passing gas was him saying “run”.

          Reply
    2. John Murchison October 23, 2015

      Actually the almighty has a great sense of humor. Imagine telling a bunch crazies to go forth and run for president! and lo he did chuckle for it was good.

      Reply
    3. mellowjohn October 23, 2015

      he seems to talk to a lot of them…

      Reply
      1. idamag October 23, 2015

        God is pretty old. Maybe he needs one of those phones with larger keys for seniors.

        Reply
        1. The_Magic_M October 28, 2015

          Alzheimer’s. Whenever he calls a GOP contender, he forgets he already called another the day before.

          Reply
    4. Sand_Cat October 24, 2015

      He just likes to confuse those with low brain power.

      Reply
    5. Grover Syck November 6, 2015

      They both have an imaginary, invisible friend in the sky.

      Reply
  7. FireBaron October 23, 2015

    Awright, Sam! You are back in form with all “A-Listers”! No more second-string wingnuts! Of course, I was disappointed to see that neither THE DONALD, nor Glenn Beck made the list. And I am sure that if Mr. Gowdy had adjourned at a more reasonable hour, he would have made this list.
    But thank you, thank you, thank you. And I am damn glad I did not have a mouthful of coffee while reading these. I would have had to clean my computer screen too many times!

    Reply
    1. Daniel Jones October 23, 2015

      Gowdy? He dragged it out to avoid being on this list, and he’s almost certain to be on next week!

      Reply
  8. idamag October 23, 2015

    Sorry Rush, AKA butt cheeks) king of up the down flatulence, Hiliary has more brains in her cervix than you have in your cranium.
    Fox (AKA faux news) and Clayton Morris, I’m sure your hero was what (is that how they pronounce white?) like adolph, dahmer, bundy, and bull connor. OMG what makes different races think they can be fictional heroes? Faux news the news for racists.
    Ben Carson, phony Chrisitan, you have done more to turn people way from religion than satan ever could.
    Joe miller, are there so many of you in Alaska? Do you think it might be the lack of diverisity and population? First the dumbest female, in America, running for VP and now you>

    Reply
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    Reply
  10. jakenhyde October 23, 2015

    Interesting that Ben Carson says that god is prompting him to run for president. God also prompted Scott Walker to run for president. Let’s see, now. How did that work out for Walker?

    Reply
    1. Polana October 23, 2015

      He just attended Hilda the cow petting festival.

      Reply
    2. plc97477 October 24, 2015

      God doesn’t seem to be of much help when running for the presidency. Maybe they should look for a better backer.

      Reply
    3. The_Magic_M October 28, 2015

      Or Hucksterbee. God certainly uses a divide-and-conquer strategy. 😉

      Reply
    4. Grover Syck November 6, 2015

      Any one who hears voices should be immediately disqualified form the run for president.

      Reply
  11. bcarreiro October 23, 2015

    Rush …When it comes to eating crow u just did. U are what u eat.

    Reply
    1. idamag October 24, 2015

      I don’t know…crows are very smart birds.

      Reply
      1. Grover Syck November 6, 2015

        From looking at him, I think he ate a hog.

        Reply
  12. idamag October 23, 2015

    Looks like the scammer is back. Using the name Kathy Barker now.

    Reply
  13. The_Magic_M October 28, 2015

    Re: Joe Miller

    Next up: Texas bans magnets, magnetic material and material that can be magnetized.
    It will also conduct an investigation how many magnets were purchased by Planned Parenthood (or should I say “Magnificent Magnethood”?) in the last decade.

    Trey Gowdy announces the Benghazi committee will investigate whether there is any reference to magnets in Hillary’s emails and whether those mails were sent using computers made of magnetic or magnetizable material.

    Reply
    1. Grover Syck November 6, 2015

      ???????????????

      Reply
      1. The_Magic_M November 9, 2015

        Got irony?

        Reply
  14. The_Magic_M October 28, 2015

    “Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they’re speaking to me. Or they’re talking to themselves.” 😉

    Reply
    1. Grover Syck November 6, 2015

      Such claims are grounds for forced psychiatric commitment for being a danger to them selves and others.

      Reply
  15. Elliot J. Stamler October 30, 2015

    Dr. Carson stated that a Muslim should not be elected president (not that he/she could not serve) unless it was clear that his religious views did not conflict with the constitution. That is an eminently reasonable view. Because it is I think it would bar quite a number of present Republican aspirants whose views on a number of issues, which they declare emanate from their religious convictions, conflict with the constitution.

    Reply
  16. Grover Syck November 6, 2015

    The Benghazi “investigation” was a political hit job that turned to a republican suicide.
    The Benghazi fiasco is dead, pleas mercifully bury it.

    Reply

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