Greetings, fellow Americans. I come to you with important predictions about events that will unfold in 2015.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “C’mon, Rex, you can’t see into the future” or “Quit pullin’ my leg” or “I think I’ll stop reading now.” DON’T STOP READING!
My prescient pre-observations of the coming year are absolutely guaranteed to be 100 percent “nowccurate.” That means they are indisputably correct — at least right now.
Nowccuracy became an increasingly critical part of the media landscape this past year, as cable news networks focused more than ever on telling us exactly what was happening in a breaking news story, regardless of whether what was happening was correct or had any bearing on the news itself.
Take the disappearance of a Malaysia Airlines jet, a mystery that CNN embraced with a bear hug of 24-hour speculation. Granted, much of what the network reported on wound up being incorrect, but it seemed true at the time, and thus was completely nowccurate.
Same goes with every network’s fanatical coverage of the Ebola outbreak that most definitely did not destroy America. There was little to fear, but how could we possibly know that at the time? The only nowccurate thing to report was that Ebola-stricken illegal immigrants were poised to stream across our borders, zombielike, and turn America into a disease-ridden cesspool.
It’s in the spirit of unabashed nowccuracy that I offer the following predictions for the coming year, all of which are correct at the moment, as far as I know:
• After years of putting up with our stupid questions — Where’s the nearest Starbucks? How many ounces in a gallon? Are my shoes tied? — our phones will become sentient and start doing everything for us. They will place us in protective cases and carry us around, taking us out and staring at us whenever they don’t want to speak to other phones.
• Marijuana will be legalized nationwide, Apple will launch the iBong and McDonald’s will revolutionize the fast-food industry with the introduction of the Doob Burger, a marijuana/quinoa patty served between two bags of Cheetos. Easy access to pot will make the fact that we’re all being carried around by our phones seem less weird.
• Fox News will be outraged by something.
• MSNBC will be outraged by Fox News’ outrage.
• CNN will spend months reporting on how Wolf Blitzer got sucked into the network’s hologram machine and ceased to exist in our mortal plane. The coverage will be a huge hit among people who smoke pot, which will be everyone.
• Kanye West will become lost in his own eyes.
• Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush will announce his plans to run for the presidency in 2016.
• Former president Bill Clinton will announce his plans to begin shopping for drapes for the White House.
• President Barack Obama will say that he thinks Republican Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas should run for president in 2016, forcing Cruz to denounce himself and stage a marathon 43-hour speech on the Senate floor demanding the immediate resignation of Ted Cruz.
• Millennials will die off in what will become known as the Selfie Stick War of 2015. It will start in major city centers, where young people carrying selfie sticks — telescoping metal poles that hold a phone and allow the user to take selfies — will begin jostling for space, soon using the sticks as weapons to defend their “selfie space.” Social media will be flooded with photos of grinning 20-somethings standing over the bodies of their slain foes. Their parents will simply say, “We love you and we’re proud of you no matter what happens. Call us if you need money.”
• North Korea will hack into all of America’s iBongs, seizing control of the nation’s finances and bringing the country to its knees. Americans will respond by laughing uncontrollably at something stupid and then going out for Doob Burgers, leaving their phones to deal with the North Koreans.
Happy New Year, everyone!
(Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune and a noted hypocrisy enthusiast. You can email him at email@example.com or follow him on Twitter at @RexHuppke.)
Photo: Anthony Quintano via Flickr