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Thursday, October 27, 2016

An open letter to Miami-Dade Judge William Altfield, who is presiding over the Justin Bieber DUI case:

Your Honor, please accept our profound sympathies.

When you decided to become a judge, you never in your darkest hours imagined that one day a lawyer would stand before you in court and, wearing a straight face, utter the following words:

“My clients have no interest in seeing Mr. Bieber’s penis.”

So sayeth Deanna Shullman, an attorney representing the Associated Press and other media outlets seeking all police videos from the night the pop singer was arrested in Miami Beach.

Last week prosecutors released numerous videos of Mr. Bieber’s stay in jail, but held back several others that his lawyers had insisted would compromise his privacy. It has been reported that four or five videos exist of Mr. Bieber urinating into a container for drug testing.

The first question of compelling national interest, obviously, is whether Mr. Bieber’s bladder is really so enormous that the act of emptying it could not be recorded on a single video?

Perhaps there was only one sequence of urination captured by multiple police cameras. If so, the angle least embarrassing to Mr. Bieber should be selected so that the court can move on to more crucial First Amendment issues.

Under Florida’s Sunshine Law, all the police videos given as evidence to Mr. Bieber’s attorneys may be made available to the public. However, a privacy question has been raised regarding Mr. Bieber’s private-most parts, which might or might not be visible on the disputed clips.

Scott Ponce, an attorney for The Miami Herald, told the court: “I think the issue is do we see his penis or not? Under the public records rule, we redact what can be seen, and let the rest out. Put a black bar over it and let the rest out.”

If Your Honor concurs with this solution, the next point for debate is: Exactly what size of black bar should be digitally imprinted over Mr. Bieber’s penis?

His attorneys would probably argue that the bar should be large and imposing, to uphold the expectations of Mr. Bieber’s avid female fans. They would warn that positioning a small or even average-length bar over Mr. Bieber’s genitals would be humiliating to him and damage his stature as an international sex symbol.

Media attorneys would counter that the court’s job is not to inflame teen fantasies but rather to get out the facts of the case, large or small. They would ask for a black bar strictly sized to Mr. Bieber’s natural proportions.

The final decision would fall to you, Your Honor, and the heat of the spotlight will be like nothing you’ve ever experienced.

  • disqus_ivSI3ByGmh

    Sorry, news media. I really don’t care about the little turd’s “shortcomings”. I am sure that if the pictures are published with whatever size censor mark is decided upon, Selena Gomez will let everyone know how accurate it is. That would be the definitive response to whatever claims that this brat with his oversized ego and temper tantrums may attempt to flaunt.

  • Faraday_Cat

    Isn’t there already precedent for this of releasing the videos with no black bars? Why would he get special treatment? I mean, really, he’s not even American! But seriously, if they have already released ANYONE else’s video with no black bar, then his video should be released without one as well.

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