An absolutely true news item: New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez was suspended for one season for routinely using banned substances, including injectable growth hormones, skin creams and testosterone lozenges that Rodriguez called “gummies.”
As I’ve said all along, I’m totally innocent. I don’t use performance-enhancing drugs, period.
And I would never, ever put a strange-looking lozenge under my tongue before a big game. Anybody who knows me will tell you that I’m terrified of lozenges.
Here’s what happened: One day I fly down to Coral Gables to buy some hummus from my favorite hummus shop, and I see this place called “Biogenesis of America.”
The sign outside says “anti-aging clinic,” so I decide to check it out.
Not because my batting average was slipping, my knees hurt and I was afraid of getting too old to play the game. No way!
The only reason I go into the place was for skincare products, OK? Because when a player is getting paid $25 million a year and he’s missing lots of games (not to mention curveballs), the least he can do for his fans is to show up with a flawless complexion.
So I find my special almond-milk hydrating cream on the shelf and I’m standing in line to pay when some dude walks up and introduces himself as Dr. Tony Bosch. Turns out he’s a huge Yankees fan, and we hit it off.
He takes me into his private office and offers to set me up with a comprehensive daily moisturizing program — shots, creams and pills.
“Your skin will be glowing twenty-four-seven!” Dr. Bosch promises, which sounds great to me because when my pores feel good, my whole body feels good.
And when my body feels good, I can hit a slider with my eyes closed.
But still I’m cautious because I’d been burned before.
Back when I played for the Rangers I took a ton of steroids and later I lied about it to everyone, including Katie Couric, who wouldn’t even have a drink with me later.
Her loss, by the way.
Still I got in big trouble with the league, and to play ball again I had to promise to stay clean.