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Tuesday, October 24, 2017

You’re killing me. Seriously. Let’s try another universal anger prompt: The Obamacare rollout.

“Frustrating. Unacceptable –”

No offense, sir, but those are words of annoyance, not anger. This is a perfect example of why we’re having this therapy session.

Kathleen Sebelius, the head of Health and Human Services, testified that the rollout has been a “debacle.” Why couldn’t you say something like that?

After all, the Affordable Care Act is your baby, the signal legislative achievement of your administration. You should be mad as hell!

“I am actually madder than hell.”

Then say so, Mr. President. Blow your stack. Lose your cool. Stand up and snarl that the rollout’s been a total cluster! Disaster, fiasco, nightmare, train wreck — pick up a thesaurus, dude!

Your website crashed harder than Charlie Sheen on a coke binge. Some poor souls have been waiting so long to sign up for health insurance that they’re now old enough for Medicare.

Really, Mr. President, who was your hotshot IT expert — Larry the Cable Guy? I mean, there are Ukrainian porn sites that work about a thousand times faster than yours.

“Calm down, doctor. Take a deep breath.”

Sorry, sir. Give me a minute.

“If somebody had informed me the Obamacare site wasn’t ready to be launched, I certainly would have postponed the rollout day.”

But doesn’t that make you furious? Isn’t your blood boiling? Don’t you want to strangle someone?

“Look, we’re moving forward. We’ll get this thing fixed.”

Right, Mr. President, but in the meantime it’s all right to pitch a fit and fire the chowderheads responsible for this mess. In fact, it would be a perfectly normal reaction….

“Hey, I’m just as angry as everybody as else.”

Aaaaagggghhhh!

“Where are you going, doctor? That window’s locked.”

(Carl Hiaasen is a columnist for the Miami Herald. Readers may write to him at: 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, Fla., 33132.)

AFP Photo/Saul Loeb