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Saturday, December 3, 2016

Below are the notes—scribbled on a “hanky”—that Mitt Romney snuck out of his pocket as he approached the podium just before the debate began last week, in apparent violation of Commission regulations. “We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by debate rules,” Romney pollster Neil Newhouse told ABC News.

WHO I AM TODAY
Fill in date and time: October 3, 9:02 PM EST.

No pre-existing positions

It’s O’s 20th anniversary, and I’m in my 44th year with Ann; should I mention that?

Declare firmly that there will be no tax cut that “adds to deficit”—call it my “number one principle”/repeat and “underline” it since I’ve never said it before

Make clear how absurd O is for calling it a $5 trillion tax cut when i’ll pay for it with secret stuff i’ll figure out later with John Boehner

Insist that a top rate drop of 35 percent to 28 percent is no tax cut for rich because I will slash their deductions the same amount/job creators will boost jobs anyway

End O’s death taxes and death panels

Shout out my $716 billion medicare cut spiel until Big O and Kid Ryan choke, a savings is a cut if it comes out of payments to the insurance companies

Remember you were once governor of Massachusetts and did a big thing (wink wink)

Claim my Massachusetts was #1 in education when it was ranked that in my first year only; a Day One accomplishment just like the ones I’m planning for the White House

I worked with 87 percent Dem legislature, don’t mention I doubled my GOP predecessor’s veto total, talk about Monday meetings as if they led to consensus

Go way out there and say I’m not going to cut education funding even while i add trillions to defense

If O mentions tax breaks to leave US—look baffled, declare I need a new accountant as if anyone would believe I’ve ever missed a tax break, declare I’ve never heard of something Bain clients feast on

Pluck big bird/like jim lay down

Oppose Dodd Frank because it protects the big banks financing my campaign

Double down on doubling up—double 12.5 million unemployed to 23 million, double 25 percent of college grads that can’t find work to 50 percent, double 22 year cost of oil and gas tax breaks to 50 year equivalent of Obama’s green subsidies, triple two studies that partially endorse my budget plan to six studies

Say half of O’s green job companies went bankrupt when less than 10 percent did

Declare my health plan covers pre-existing conditions and look misty-eyed.

I CAN DO ALL THIS AND THE PUNDITS WILL CALL IT A SHOCK & AWE REINVENTION!

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Research assistance provided by Jacob Anderson, Max Jaeger, Stephanie Rogan and Catherine Thompson.

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Copyright 2012 The National Memo