This Week In Crazy: Jesus Wants You To Buy An AR-15, And The Rest Of The Worst Of The Right

This Week In Crazy: Jesus Wants You To Buy An AR-15, And The Rest Of The Worst Of The Right

Welcome to “This Week In Crazy,” The National Memo’s weekly update on the wildest attacks, conspiracy theories, and other loony behavior from the increasingly unhinged right wing. Starting with number five:

5. Dwayne Stovall

Genuinely crazy U.S. Representative Steve Stockman (R-TX) has earned much of the press coverage in Texas’ Republican primary for U.S. Senate — with good reason — but he is not the only absurd Tea Party challenger to Majority Whip John Cornyn (R-TX).

Dwayne Stovall’s Senate campaign flew under the radar until this week, when he released this epically weird attack ad:

In case Stovall’s talking dog’s love of turtle soup somehow didn’t make things clear, he also released an image depicting Senator Cornyn as a muscular pig-man with a Karl Rove tattoo:

If Rep. Stockman wants to keep his title as the craziest candidate in Texas, it appears that he has some work to do.

4. Steve King

When U.S. Representative Steve King (R-IA) warned that “For every [DREAM Act beneficiary] who’s a valedictorian, there’s another 100 out there that weigh 130 pounds and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert,” the bipartisan response was essentially “shut up.”

But according to King, he got the last laugh.

In a Thursday interview with the Spencer Daily Reporter, an Iowa paper, Rep. King claims that his “cantaloupes” comment actually won the debate over the DREAM Act.

“Sometimes, I’ve made the point for years and they weren’t listening, so I’ve found another way to get them to pay attention,” King explained. “For example, Dick Durbin, as far as I know, no longer describes the DREAMers as ‘valedictorians.’ We’ve corrected that major flaw and sometimes we have to, otherwise it distorts the public’s understanding.”

King went on to stress that “What I’ve said is objectively true,” adding (hilariously), “When they start calling names, they’ve lost the debate.”

Right Wing Watch has the video:

Back in reality, if the debate over the DREAM Act is settled, King certainly didn’t win it. And when it comes to Steve King, the only person who’s speaking the “objective truth” is probably John Boehner.

3. Republican Party Of Sarasota


Photo: jbouie via Flickr

The Sarasota GOP checks in at number three, for its inspired choice of “Statesman of the Year:” Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX).

Cruz, whom the Sarasota GOP calls a “conservative champion” and “a passionate fighter for liberty, economic growth, and the Constitution,” accepted the award at a reception on Thursday night.

The Tea Party hero, who has devoted much of his brief tenure in the Senate to sabotaging the government’s ability to function in an attempt to prevent it from paying its bills, seems like an odd choice for the nation’s top statesman. But in comparison to the Sarasota GOP’s previous two Statesmen of the Year — Donald Trump and Sean Hannity — the pick actually seems downright sane.

Perhaps the party should take the advice that its former chairman gave on his way to prison: “Politics can be a contentious and sometimes bruising exercise, but it should be truth-based.”

2. Alex Jones & Phyllis Schlafly

When conspiracy king Alex Jones and old-school bigot Phyllis Schlafly get together, you just know that something crazy will happen.

The deranged duo did not disappoint during Schlafly’s Tuesday appearance on Jones’ Infowars. After Schlafly reiterated her concern that immigrants are plotting to vote Democratic and destroy “freedom and prosperity” in America, Jones upped the ante.

“And then they’ll support literally making those of us that produce their slaves,” he said, adding that George Soros and Warren Buffett will lobby to raise taxes on the middle class, which will take us “back to a democracy where two wolves can vote to eat the sheep for dinner.”

“It would be a joke if it weren’t so really tragic,” Schlafly said.

Schlafly is wrong about at least one thing: Although Jones’ concern about immigrant slave-drivers isn’t quite as outrageous as her fear of polygamous Muslim welfare queens, it’s still pretty freaking funny.

1. Jerry Boykin

Jerry Boykin

This week’s “winner” is retired lieutenant general and current Family Research Council vice president Jerry Boykin.

Boykin, who was last seen on this list fawning over his image of Jesus Christ as a “man’s man” with “big bulging biceps” and a “thin waist,” has added another accessory to his fantasy Christ: An AR-15!

“The Lord is a warrior and in Revelation 19 is says when he comes back, he’s coming back as what? A warrior. A mighty warrior leading a mighty army, riding a white horse with a blood-stained white robe,” Boykin told the WallBuilders’ Pro-Family Legislators Conference on Tuesday. “I believe that blood on that robe is the blood of his enemies ’cause he’s coming back as a warrior carrying a sword.”

“And I believe now — I’ve checked this out — I believe that sword he’ll be carrying when he comes back is an AR-15,” he continued.

After explaining how the Second Amendment came straight from Jesus, Boykin gets back to his main point.

“The sword today is an AR-15,” he insisted, “so if you don’t have one, go get one. You’re supposed to have one. It’s Biblical.”

I believe  — and I’ve checked this out — that maybe Boykin should stop taking history lessons from David Barton.

Check out previous editions of This Week In Crazy here. Think we missed something? Let us know in the comments!

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