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Sunday, October 23, 2016

Celebrating Great Achievements In Republican Outreach: It’s The LOLs Of The Year, 2013

Celebrating Great Achievements In Republican Outreach: It’s The LOLs Of The Year, 2013

In 2013, Republicans proved that they are capable of producing laughter, even when Rick Santorum takes most of the year off.

Instead of rebranding, the GOP reloaded in 2013 and is now at war with people who say “Happy Holidays,” the unemployed, science, women and itself.

As we prepare for a 2014 that will inevitably bring us more Obamacare repeals, more uncomfortable discussions of ladyparts and endless profiteering by offensive reality stars, here are the best LOLs of 2013.

Leaker of the Year: Darrell Issa
As the chairman of the House Oversight Committee, Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) makes an excellent Fox News contributor… or enraged resident of Salem circa the 17th century. Instead of uncovering wrongdoing, Issa is “a human sieve” whose leaks would be a great help to hackers, terrorists and paranoiacs. The only thing Issa didn’t leak this year, it seems, is his own arrest record.

The “You Weren’t Supposed to Talk About Rape” Award: Trent Franks
Seemingly learning nothing from Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ) decided it was a good idea that people find out what he thinks about rape. As a conservative obsessed with women’s reproductive systems, Franks led the charge for a national ban on abortions past the 20th week of pregnancy. In a hearing he suggested that the rate of pregnancy from rape is “very low,” even though most people would argue that even one pregnancy from rape is far too many. The resulting furor actually resulted in House Republicans adding an exception for rape into the legislation and a female congressmember being put of charge of speaking about the bill. Franks has nearly disappeared since this incident. Experts speculate he’s being kept in the same soundproof chamber that Akin and Mourdock have been exiled to.

The “Fool You Twice” Award: Donald Trump
After using America’s second biggest political party as a personal publicity platform for over a year, the self-proclaimed billionaire is still promoting birtherism and being invited to speak at Republican events. Despite fraud charges against Trump University, he’s even marketing himself as a potential Republican candidate for governor of New York, a nomination he’d surely win if he weren’t just wasting everyone’s time and humiliating anyone who makes the mistake of taking him seriously.

Outreach of the Year

Second Runner-Up: Steve King
The congressman from Iowa was the author of the only immigration legislation that passed the House in 2013. His amendment would deport millions of young people brought here as kids. Why does he think such mass deportations are necessary? Look at the calves on those kids. They’re the “size of cantaloupes.”

First Runner-Up: The Duck Guy
Phil Roberston — the “patriarch” of the Duck Dynasty family — got lots of attention for his effort to help gay people understand why he prefers vagina. But many people missed the outreach to the African-American community of the 1950s. “Were they happy?” he asked about segregation-era blacks. “They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.” What evidence do we have that black people weren’t happy during Jim Crow? Except for the civil rights movement, I mean.

The Winner: The Whole GOP for Reaching Out to George Zimmerman
Anyone who says the GOP didn’t reach out to minorities in 2013 wasn’t paying to the warmth the right wing — especially Fox News’ Sean Hannity — extended to a Hispanic-American named George Zimmerman. I wonder what it was about him that appealed to Republicans so much.

LOL of the Year

Second Runner-Up: Scott Walker
The governor of Wisconsin doesn’t have a specific plan to replace Obamacare but he suggests that we listen to the ideas of the Heritage Foundation, which is the group that introduced the principles behind… Obamacare.

First Runner-Up: Sarah Palin
After going from breakup to make-up with Fox News, the half-term governor defended the comments of the anti-gay Duck Dynasty guy, the First Amendment and the Gospels, apparently without having ever actually read any of the three.

The Winner: Ted Cruz
The junior senator from Texas sat down for an interview at the The Atlantic‘s Washington Ideas Forum in November. Forgetting that he wasn’t speaking to his usual crowd that believes he’s a waxwork Reagan come to life, Cruz insisted that he didn’t want a government shutdown.

And of course, everyone LOL’d.

Photo: DonkeyHotey via Flickr 

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Copyright 2013 The National Memo
  • disqus_ivSI3ByGmh

    Here is something I wrote a while ago as a joke to “Young Republicans”. I think you and your readers will enjoy it thoroughly!

    This is an open letter to all college students who consider themselves Republicans, Conservatives or Tea Party Activists. First, please do not read this if you do not have a sense of humor. Second, if your name is Biff, Muffy or Bubba, please do not read this either, or get a friend to help you as many of the words are multisyllabic and therefore beyond your cognitive comprehension.
    That said, let us commence.

    To establish my credentials in writing this, I have to admit the following: I am not a hired political pundit; I will probably never be on a Sunday Morning talk show; and I am unlikely to ever be the invited guest for a $1000 per plate dinner. However, I am older than you therefore I am wiser than you. (I was told that young Republicans are required to believe this whenever someone from their parents’ generation says it!) I am probably the same age or a little older than your parents. Luckily because I became a parent later in life, I have managed to avoid the financial ruin known as funding my child’s college education. But, still – I am older therefore you must listen to what I say!

    I will start with the “men”. And, yes, your fathers still put quotes around it when they refer to you as “men”.

    First – if you are attending the same college that your father and grandfather did, despite mediocre grades in High School, and your parents or grandparents are completely funding your education from Trust Funds, I am sorry. You soul is beyond redemption and you will be a card carrying Republican for the rest of your life. Don’t worry, though, Biff. The same law firm that represented your grandfather’s bank during their foreclosure proceedings during the Depression and the recent Recession will make sure that none of your legal run-ins will ever rise above the level of driving on bald tires. Also, your fellow “Bonesmen” (my apologies to colleges and universities other than Yale for your omission) will always make sure you have a job in either the public or private sector regardless of your lack of qualifications. Your
    political life will be spent having other Republicans pick your pockets for their
    campaigns and causes, and your children will follow the same path as you.

    Second – if you are attending college on an academic scholarship based on the fact that you were a straight-A student, I congratulate you! If you follow the path forged by the late William F. Buckley, you will be a strong fiscal Conservative, but a social Progressive bordering on Libertarian. Unfortunately, the Republican Party has no use for you as you would be unwilling to follow the current party platform in the required lockstep. Your life will be relegated to being an occasional guest speaker on Sunday Morning talk shows, the occasional OpEd piece in the Washington Post or USA Today (not the Wall Street Journal – Rupert Murdoch would never allow a Liberal like you to write for it), or a guest commentator on NPR or Jim Lehrer’s News
    Hour. You will write many books decrying the current social situation in America over a 50 year period and will probably associate with Third Party candidates. On your
    deathbed you will cry out “Roosevelt was right!” leaving people to wonder if you are referring to Teddy, Franklin or Eleanor.

    Third – if you are attending college on a Football scholarship, please stay home on Election Day. You probably won’t be able to figure out how to fill the little circle because you are not required to take any classes without someone to take notes for you or to take any test other than a simple oral question like “Does the sun rise at sunrise or midnight?” However, Bubba, if you injure yourself beyond the means of the Athletic Department to support you, you will be surprised to discover that, like most of the other students on campus, you will be required to attend classes and take real examinations. That way you can either decide to remain and redeem yourself by becoming a card carrying Democrat, or you can leave college and return to your hometown where you will have a career running a used car lot.

    Fourth – if you are attending college as a result of grants, student loans or work-study program, please find the nearest Democrat and thank him for giving you the opportunity to do so. Given the current Republican agenda, they would like to completely dismantle these programs denying you and others like you the opportunity to attend college, instead forcing you to work prepping used cars for Bubba’s customers for the rest of your life.

    Now for the “women”. I realize in your families, you are still referred to as “girls” even after you get your MRS degree, but I want to be more polite to you than your fellow Republicans are.

    If your goal in life is to be just like Nancy Reagan, the exorcists are on their way to cast out the demons that have taken over your soul. You will be strapped to a chair and deprogrammed by being forced to watch Katy Perry videos until you recover. Then you may be able to reenter society as a productive member.

    If your goal in life is to be just like Anne Coulter, I am sorry. There is nothing in Heaven, Earth or Hell that can be done to redeem you. If all the things she wished to come to pass did so, she would find herself wearing an A-line dress, instead of her minis, with an apron and strand of pearls while vacuuming her husband’s house, and preparing a pot roast for dinner. Either that, or she would have to wear a full Burkah. In either way, she would never be heard from again.

    If your goal in life is to be like Bo Derek, please remember, she spent the time from her late teens through her late 20s taking off her clothes and getting into bed with any guy that had a camera focused on them. So after earning all of her money by doing things that the Republicans would never allow were they in charge, she is fully expressing her hypocrisy by becoming one of them.

    If your goal in life is to be like Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann, please expect for no one to take you seriously once you open your mouth and start spewing out one unfounded conspiracy theory after another. You may have initially achieved your political goals by stepping on anyone who gets in your way, but you will realize that your voters will not return you to your ineffective office. You may get a job as a talking head, but once you believe yourself to be more important than your message, you will find yourself relegated to tweeting out your opinions 140 characters at a time.

    If your goal in life is to be like Susan Collins, I congratulate you. You allow your decisions to be based on your conscience, not on what some other person thinks you should do. Should you be fortunate enough to live in a state where candidates of both parties are regularly elected by cross-over voters, you will have a long and fruitful political career.

  • Stuart

    Well, OK, it’s a lot of fun to make fun of the looney right.

    But a headline on this page also says, “Republicans grab edge in midterm elections.”

    OK, fellow progressives, how do we explain this? What are we going to do to stop it? Obviously, we’re missing something.

    • Buford2k11


    • Allan Richardson

      Donate what you can, and get all your friends to donate what they can, to progressive organizations that will get the word out (I hate to say it, but money given to change the governance of our country to reduce the NEED for charity may be a better investment that just giving TO the charity; but give something to charity also, to keep your soul in the right place). If you are running such an organization, use those donations as effectively as you can, and cooperate with other progressive organizations for the most effective messaging; do NOT get into squabbles over whether saving the wolves is more important than stopping an oil pipeline, because without the right people in government, NEITHER goal will be accomplished. And if you know of someone running a progressive organization who is deliberately squandering its funds, out them to the donors and, if appropriate, the law. Our feeble collective funds must compete with the flood of money on the other side from people and corporations who (1) HAVE the millions to invest in politicians and advertising, and (2) are willing to put in MILLIONS to get back BILLIONS more that should have gone to help you and me and everyone live a better life.

      And if you have free time, give your volunteer labor to your religious or spiritual home, direct action to help others, and political activities of your choice to get the word out (again, some of each, and use your judgement regarding the distribution of your volunteer time). And be sure that you and EVERYONE YOU CAN HELP TO DO SO are registered and ABLE to vote, despite voter suppression efforts of right wing government officials, KNOW the candidates and issues and do WHATEVER YOU CAN to be sure as many others as possible know them, and VOTE AND URGE YOUR FRIENDS TO VOTE also, EVEN in midterms (Congress is up for grabs in 2014), EVEN in primaries, EVEN in county and municipal elections.

      So have a busy 2014, and remember two things: one, everything is in God’s hands (however you comprehend God or Divinity); and two, WE ARE God’s hands.

  • howa4x

    It is not so much that these people have become unhinged, it is the Base that supports them and the echo chamber of right wing media, and blogosphere that completely surrounds them so they are only talking to themselves

    • latebloomingrandma

      True. but they’re still unhinged.