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Monday, December 09, 2019 {{ new Date().getDay() }}

Donald Trump is in the middle of a tough search for a vice president — any vice president. No one seems to want the job, and Trump is scrambling to show the world a ticket that makes him look like anything other than a crazy reality star who’s been wandering onto the wrong cable channels.

He’s really scraping the bottom of the barrel, so we at The National Memo decided to put together a little tip sheet to make his choice easier.

Newt Gingrich

Renamed by Trump: “Spanky”
# of Wives: 3. Can you believe it?
Likelihood of Hair Plugs: 85%
Relationship to White House: Has been waiting outside since the 1990s
Biggest Strength: That no-longer-relevant vibe that Trump supporters seem to love!
Biggest Weakness: He would be the “smart one.”

Chris Christie

Renamed by Trump: “The Quiet One”
# of Wives: 1, but he’d leave her in a second for Bruce Springsteen.
Likelihood of Hair Plugs: 28%
Relationship to White House: Kissed it goodbye forever after Bridgegate.
Biggest Strength: Loyalty and dead-in-the-eyes look of a very large dog.
Biggest Weakness: Ate all the M&Ms.

Mike Pence

Renamed by Trump: “Gary Indiana”
# of Wives: 1, unlike those dang homosexuals.
Likelihood of Hair Plugs: That’s between Pence and the Lord.
Relationship to White House: Recites Pledge of Allegiance in its direction whenever he has impure thoughts.
Biggest Strength: Fridge is full of cake confiscated from same-sex weddings.
Biggest Weakness: As a devout Christian, may not work well with the Devil.

Gen. Michael Flynn

Renamed by Trump: “Army Man”
# of Wives: Just his duty. Oh, and also Lori.
Likelihood of Hair Plugs: Classified
Relationship to White House: Already spent years there failing to solve the Middle East.
Biggest Strength: Has the wartime expertise to set up a military dictatorship
Biggest Weakness: Pro-choice. For real.

Ben Carson

Renamed by Trump: “Dr. Naptime”
# of Wives: 2 conjoined twins he keeps separating and sewing back together.
Likelihood of Hair Plugs: 3%
Relationship to White House: Believes it’s filled with grain.
Biggest Strength: Every Great American Hero needs a nerdy sidekick.
Biggest Weakness: Working with Trump might spoil their friendship.

Sarah Palin

Renamed by Trump: “The Midnight Rambler”
# of Wives: Does Alaska count?
Likelihood of Hair Plugs: All-natural pageant queen
Relationship to White House: Buried John McCain’s career on her way there.
Biggest Strength: Can defuse any political debate with a string of nonsensical folkisms.
Biggest Weakness: Even Trump’s afraid of her.

 

Photo: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie speaks in a press conference at the State House in Trenton, New Jersey, March 3, 2016.  REUTERS/Dominick Reuter

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eff Danziger lives in New York City. He is represented by CWS Syndicate and the Washington Post Writers Group. He is the recipient of the Herblock Prize and the Thomas Nast (Landau) Prize. He served in the US Army in Vietnam and was awarded the Bronze Star and the Air Medal. He has published eleven books of cartoons, a novel and a memoir. Visit him at DanzigerCartoons.

Julie Green

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Pennsylvania Republican gubernatorial nominee Doug Mastriano has promoted and campaigned with Julie Green, a “prophet” who has claimed that God will execute political figures “for their planned pandemic, shortages, inflation, mandates and for stealing an election.” The Mastriano ally and fringe religious commentator has also alleged a variety of conspiracy theories, including that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi “loves to drink the little children’s blood”; the government is conducting “human sacrifices” to stay in power; and President Joe Biden is secretly dead and an “actor” is playing him.

Green, who says she has a “special relationship” with Mastriano, has implicated numerous Republican figures as traitors, including Republican Governors Association co-chair and Arizona Gov. Doug Ducey. She has alleged that there will be a video showing that he took a bribe to swing the 2020 election and he “will be no more, and treason will be written on” him “for all eternity.”

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