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From God’s Lips To Matt Gaetz’ Ears

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From God’s Lips To Matt Gaetz’ Ears

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So God is a gunslinger.

That’s the latest Word from Rep. Matt Gaetz, the Fort Walton Beach, Fla., Republican who’s on a crusade to flood Florida with more firearms.

He’s pushing legislation to allow concealed weapons on state college campuses, and to let permit-holders openly carry their handguns in stores and restaurants. He said these are rights “granted not by government but by God.”

Gaetz’ pronouncement left theologians scratching their heads, because guns aren’t mentioned anywhere in scriptures. Firearms didn’t exist when the Bible was written, and there’s no reference in either testament to “popping a cap in thy heathen ass.”

Anytime a politician starts throwing God’s name around, people get suspicious.

In Gaetz’ case, he’s half of a father-son team that has been pimping tirelessly for the NRA in Tallahassee. His dad, Don, a state senator, also wants more heavy weapons in public places, although he hasn’t gone so far as to credit God with ghostwriting the Second Amendment.

But let’s set aside our well-founded skepticism and consider the remote but intriguing possibility that young Matt isn’t just another programmed hack for the gun lobby. Perhaps he experienced a true religious Visitation.

Maybe one afternoon, while Gaetz was on the shooting range, God appeared personally to him and presented the manuscript of a new, unpublished scripture.

He called it the Book of Glock.

And although it was only the first draft (and there were probably a few typos), young Matt devoured the Book of Glock from beginning to end, and a trembling rapture came upon him.

For God (perhaps) sayeth, “Go ye forth, and let all the people of the world know that their Heavenly Father is totally into guns. Seriously. I beseech all the lambs in my flock to lock and freakin’ load!”

At which point young Matt Gaetz’ jaw would have dropped because he surely didn’t expect to see the Lord Himself show up in full camo driving an old F-150 with a missing tailgate.

“And for the record,” God went on, “my only son, Jesus Christ, feels the same as I do, even though firearms weren’t invented until 13 centuries after he died. Looking back, I wish the Chinese had gotten on that gunpowder thing way sooner, because if Jesus had an AR-15 … well, cancel the crucifixion party, Pontius. Am I right?”

At which point young Matt kicked away the shell casings at his feet, clearing himself a place to kneel.

God, who was on a roll, continued: “So go ye forth and spread the Holy Word that the right to bear arms comes not from thine government but rather from Me, retroactively. And to all those who doubt, ye shall show them the new Book of Glock, once I polish up the ending and put it on a PDF.”

And young Matt, hands clasped devoutly, might have looked up and said, “Lord, give me strength, because they’re ripping me a new one over this guns-on-campus law I’m trying to pass. Even the university presidents and police chiefs are against me.”

Being all-knowing, God was well aware of the controversy.

” ‘Love your enemies.’ That’s straight from Luke, though it’s a bit too warm and fuzzy for me,” He confided.

“One man can’t be blamed for the sins of others,” He went on. “Two drunk frat boys fighting at a keg party, one of them pulls a .38 … is that your fault? Or some kid flips out after getting a C-minus on his chem final and now he wants to plug his professor. This isn’t about guns on campus. It’s about…whatever.”

“Amen,” said young Matt.

And the Lord lifted up his hands and declared: “Blessed are the meek who pack heat.”

“I want that T-shirt!” young Matt exulted.

Then he and God spent the rest of the afternoon on target practice, taking turns with the modified assault rifle God had purchased the previous Saturday at a gun show in Homestead.

“I would’ve gone to Bass Pro,” He joked with his young admirer, “but I was afraid I wouldn’t pass the background check!”

Perhaps that’s how it really went down, the spiritual enlightenment of Matt Gaetz. Or maybe God never spoke to him, not even in a dream. Maybe Gaetz is making up his own goofy gospel.

Next chapter: The 12 disciples get carry permits.

(Carl Hiaasen is a columnist for the Miami Herald. Readers may write to him at: 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, Fla., 33132.)

AFP Photo/Karen Bleier

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Carl Hiaasen

Carl Hiaasen is an award-winning journalist, commentator, and novelist. Hiaasen has worked for the Miami Herald since 1976, and his writing focuses on environmental and corruption issues in his home state of Florida.

His latest book is Skink—No Surrender (2014).

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11 Comments

  1. Otto Greif October 19, 2015

    Jesus told the disciples to “sell your cloak and buy a sword”.

    Reply
    1. Insinnergy October 19, 2015

      What sort of magazine does a sword have?
      I want to make sure I stock up on the right bullets.

      Reply
    2. Sand_Cat October 19, 2015

      So, did you? Is that why we’re no longer blessed with your picture: perhaps you no longer have a shirt?
      If not, how could you disobey a divine command?

      Reply
    3. The lucky one October 20, 2015

      How the hell do you know what Jesus said? Did you get that from accounts of his life in the bible, written many years after his death? The bible, a book that has been translated and retranslated and is a compendium of multiple sources and written by authors with their own agendas so that it is very susceptible to having passages use out of context. C’mon Otto, if that’s the best you’ve got better skip commenting on this article.

      Reply
    4. 788eddie October 20, 2015

      I’d like to have a battle of wits with you on this, Otto, but I see you’re only half-prepared.

      Reply
    5. Independent1 October 21, 2015

      I’ve explained to you before why Jesus wanted the disciples to have that sword. It was so he could teach them against violence. It was all in preparation for when Judas would come to betray him. So he could show them by example that using weapons against an enemy is not being Christian.

      Here’s the actual verses from Luke 22:

      35 Then Jesus asked them, “When I sent you without purse, bag or sandals, did you lack anything?” “Nothing,” they answered.

      36 He said to them, “But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one. 37 It is written: ‘And he was numbered with the transgressors’[b]; and I tell you that this must be fulfilled in me. Yes, what is written about me is reaching its fulfillment.”

      38 The disciples said, “See, Lord, here are two swords.” “That’s enough!” he replied.

      47 While he was still speaking a crowd came up, and the man who was called Judas, one of the Twelve, was leading them. He approached Jesus to kiss him, 48 but Jesus asked him, “Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?”

      49 When Jesus’ followers saw what was going to happen, they said, “Lord, should we strike with our swords?” 50 And one of them struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his right ear. 51 But Jesus answered, “No more of this!” And he touched the man’s ear and healed him.

      52 Then Jesus said to the chief priests, the officers of the temple guard, and the elders, who had come for him, “Am I leading a rebellion, that you have come with swords and clubs? 53 Every day I was with you in the temple courts, and you did not lay a hand on me. But this is your hour—when darkness reigns.”

      Reply
    6. Independent1 October 21, 2015

      It’s clear that Matt Gaetz has been taken over by the Devil – just like Judas was who betrayed Jesus in the garden where Peter used that sword so Jesus could show him that is not the way of a Christian!! Gaetz is clearly the total opposite of anything God would ever want to see any of His people doing. Just like the love of Money – the love of guns is the antithesis to God.

      Reply
  2. bcarreiro October 19, 2015

    This is just another man who can’t have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. Couldn’t dazzle you have to baffle. Put more weapons in and leave intelligence out. You are not born with rights you earn them.

    Reply
  3. John Murchison October 20, 2015

    and it was good.

    Reply
  4. 788eddie October 20, 2015

    So, has his (Rep. Matt Gaetz’) “congregation” “dumped” him yet?

    Reply
  5. obandon October 21, 2015

    I would love or him to have felt the fear I did when I found out my Granddaughter was on campus at UCC in Roseburg and we did not know if she was dead or alive. We, as smart people should realize that reasonable gun laws will not affect second ammendment rights, they will actually protect them. Nobody is going to come to our homes and take away our guns, seriously. To those who oppose reasonable registration and following the gun in all transfers of any kind is important. We go thru a process to get guns but after the initial sale anyone can give anyone that gun and not have to register that transfer. How do you know at a gun show the person wanting to purchase that gun is a criminal, nutcase or terrorist? Having to register that sale and wait a few days should not be a big deal. Maybe those we really need to fear are guys like this, in a place of power advocating guns everywhere. Criminals will always get guns, but if they are registered each time they trade hands we can be a bit closer to slowing down these mass killings. #WCCShooting #ColumbineShooting #RoanoakShooting#CharlestonShooting #SandyhookShooting #MovieTheatreShootings

    Reply

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