The National  Memo Logo

Smart. Sharp. Funny. Fearless.

Monday, December 09, 2019 {{ new Date().getDay() }}

Like any other red-blooded American, I cherish the sacred duty of the vote. It is imperative that we stay informed about today’s issues, so that we can pick the best candidate for our next commander-in-chief.

It’s just a shame I’m always so gosh darn busy. Between all my blind dates, tattoo appointments, devastating breakups, and subsequent tattoo removals, I barely have time to keep up with the news. Still, I make a point of recording each and every debate so I can catch up later. They’re all there on my DVR, sandwiched between the last couple seasons of Frasier.

Fortunately, I finally managed to watch the first republican debate last Thursday after Frisbee golf, and wow, was I impressed. Oh sorry, did I call it the Republican debate? What I meant to say was “The Rand Paul Show!”

In a race littered with extremist loonies and establishment cronies, my Randy is a dream come true. He alone has the original ideas and track record change government from the inside out. It’s as if he’s found the perfect balance between insider and outsider, like someone stuck in a revolving door.

You can’t help but admire the way he stands up to those NSA goons. Whatever gossip I share over the phone is between me and my sisters, and not those bureaucratic looky-loos with their clip-on ties! Randy is finding a way to make technology safe again. He’s even given me the courage to install one of the AOL trial CDs I’ve been saving up the past few years.

And have you noticed his gorgeous head of hair? Now that’s a mug that would look good on a dollar bill!

Hold on, it gets better! Imagine my surprise the other week when I spotted Senator Paul eating, alone and unshaven, in the back dining room of a Golden Corral. Of course I wanted a photo with him, but I figured he was probably busy with official campaign business. So here’s what I did: on my way out of the restaurant, I graced him with a salute and tasteful rendition of “America the Beautiful.” Overwhelmed by gratitude, he buried his head in his hands and wept. I could tell his joyful tears were already washing away the grime from this great country.

Can’t wait to see what Randy does next! No spoilers, please.

Photo: U.S. Republican presidential candidate Senator Rand Paul waits to be introduced at a campaign stop at the National Sprint Car Hall of Fame and Museum in Knoxville, Iowa, in this January 29, 2016 file photo.  REUTERS/Scott Morgan/Files

Advertising

Start your day with National Memo Newsletter

Know first.

The opinions that matter. Delivered to your inbox every morning

Rep. Tony Gonzales

Photo by CQ/Roll Call

The Republican House member who represents Uvalde, Texas, where 19 kids and 2 adults were shot to death in an elementary school on Tuesday, has said in the past that he will vote against any gun safety legislation in Congress.

In September 2021, Rep. Tony Gonzales tweeted in response to a provision on firearms included in that year's annual defense spending bill, "I will fight against any attempt to restrict our 2nd Amendment right, which is why I joined in urging the stripping of red flag laws from the final version of the bill." Gonzales was one of 161 Republican House members who signed a letter to the leadership of the House and Senate Armed Services Committees in October of that year urging that the provision be removed.

Keep reading... Show less

Beto O'Rourke, back to camera, confronts state officials over Uvalde school shooting at press conference

Not long after Texas Gov. Greg Abbott and his entourage showed up on a stage in Uvalde, Texas, to offer the usual thoughts and prayers that follow a gun massacre, Democratic rival Beto O'Rourke suddenly strode up to confront him.

Pointing a finger at the governor, he yelled: "You're offering us nothing!"

Keep reading... Show less
{{ post.roar_specific_data.api_data.analytics }}