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Imagine Cruz As President

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Imagine Cruz As President

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U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas speaking at the 2015 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in National Harbor, Maryland. (Gage Skidmore via Flickr)

And away we go — off on another crazy cruze with Ted!

Cinch up your seatbelts, for Senator Ted Cruz (fueled by his raw ambition and flaming jet-powered ego) has come screeching out of the GOP’s presidential staging area, getting a head start on all the other wannabes seeking the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. And what a crazy start Ted made, launching his campaign from Liberty University. Liberty U is the creation of the late Rev. Jerry Falwell, the self-promoting Christian theocrat, bigot, liar, and buffoonish pretender to be God’s chosen agent on Earth. Cruz hopes that launching there will make him “God’s candidate” — the chosen one of far-right Christian extremists who dominate the vote in the early Republican contests.

But, good Lord — Falwell? The vast majority of Americans remember him as an unholy fool, a non-stop spewer of hate. “I listen to feminists and all these radical gals,” he said. “These women just need a man in the house. That’s all they need. A man to tell them what time of day it is.” And who can forget this piece of vicious sermonizing: “AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals”? Likewise, the pompous preacher said 9/11 was “what we deserve,” claiming it was God’s punishment for feminism, gays, the ACLU and other evils. His knowledge of African-Americans was equally insightful: “The true Negro does not want integration,” he explained.

Also, in Jerry’s world: “There is no separation of church and state”; “all public schools will be closed and taken over by churches,” and “Christians will be running them”; and the Bible is “absolutely infallible,” even “in areas such as geography, science, history, etc.”

You can’t stand in a hog wallow without getting stink all over you. Yet, Crazy Ted Cruz deliberately chose to stand in Falwell’s political wallow, which leaves him reeking with the stench of Falwell’s nastiness and know-nothingism. Is Cruz running to be president of the USA — or of Liberty University?

Ted’s announcement of his presidential candidacy was a real Cruz-a-palooza! It was part Ronald Reagan, part Elmer Gantry, part John Lennon and, of course, part Jerry Falwell — yet it was totally Ted Cruz — full of blather, bloat and BS.

Not only was it staged at Liberty U but Cruz thumped the word “liberty” again and again, like a televangelist thumping the Bible. “We stand together for liberty,” the candidate declared one final time at the conclusion of the show. That was more than a little cynical. While the mass media reported that Cruz drew a packed house of 10,000 Liberty students, few news stories mentioned a pertinent fact about the crowd — the budding scholars were not at… liberty to avoid his speech, for school officials made attendance mandatory.

Another word reprised throughout the campaign event was “imagine” — used 38 times by Cruz in a sort of dreamy imitation of the John Lennon song. “Imagine health care reform that keeps government out of the way,” warbled the senator, whose family has received free, platinum-level coverage from Goldman Sachs, where his wife was a top executive. But she has now taken a leave from the Wall Street giant to join Ted’s anti-government crusade, so suddenly they had no health coverage. No problem for a hypocrite like Cruz, though — only a day after the big speech, he said he plans to sign up for Obamacare, the very program he demonized and pledged to kill.

But it was in the speech’s finale that Ted reached his crescendo of cynicism: “It is a time for truth,” he bellowed. Truth? This is a guy who fabricates facts to foment fear among the fringiest of the farthermost fringe of the right wingers. The good news is that the more he campaigns, the more obvious it will be that can’t even imagine truth. And like Falwell, he will be another fool for the history books.

To find out more about Jim Hightower, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Web page at www.creators.com.

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Jim Hightower

Jim Hightower is a nationally syndicated columnist and one of America's most prominent progressive voices. His column carried by more than 75 publications across the country. Prior to becoming a writer, Hightower served as Texas Agricultural Commission from 1982 to 1991.

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52 Comments

  1. kingartie1 April 1, 2015

    I found Mr. Cruz to be an annoying contrivance of a mouthpiece at first sight. He has no chance. One of his main roles and functions will be to prove that many so-called leaders like Cruz, Paul, et al are disturbingly self-important, that they get facts wrong, or try to twist facts to their advantage and will do so even if they know they’re inaccurate or an outright prevarication. We the people can and must do a much better job of communicating that these wanna-bes have self-selected without invitation, that they are imposing themselves and increasing the noise level. If they really wanted to help America they would get much better educated and grow far more altruistic before their bloated egos took to the soapbox of self-righteous claims, or they would just please sit down
    and stfu. He uses the word ‘imagine’ a lot, and certainly not in the John Lennon sense. Cruz is just another professional candidate: collecting money, traveling on his millionaire pals’ expense, and doing nothing to advance public discourse. He will never hold any office higher than the one he doesn’t deserve to be in right now. Imagine that.

    I have one all-caps word which could summarize his already-tired act: SOCIOPATH.
    And I offer several other words of advice: Avoid His Media Presence Like the Plague.
    Nothing will shut down a toxic clown so utterly reliant on people buying into
    his bovine excrement more than the deaf ears and blind eyes of voters.

    Cruz is not even a politician. He is a professional candidate sucking off the money from Tea Bagging Koch heads to buy his way around the country and fill his own accounts by getting paid to make ludicrous statements designed to show how astute he is. In fact they accomplish the exact opposite. I hate to agree with these gents, but Rep. King had it right: carnival barker. Sen. McCain too: goony bird (or to that effect).

    America, walk right on by, nothing to see here but an orally flatulent egomaniac impostor.

    Reply
    1. Daniel Jones April 1, 2015

      Remember Douglas Adams?
      ~~
      He had a certain perspective on this type of professional loony whose only contributions are to be so fascinating (in the manner of driving by a multiple-car pile up) that the true poisons are unseen until far too late.
      ~~
      “The job of the President of the Galaxy was not to wield power, but to distract attention *from* it.”

      Reply
      1. johninPCFL April 1, 2015

        Kudos. I loved those books, and that’s a really spot-on definition of the Cruz phenomenon.

        Reply
  2. Eleanore Whitaker April 1, 2015

    Now, really…What in the world does a tri-breed like Cruz know about anything outside Big Rich Texas, That Whole Other Country?

    Texas is not the United States of America. As such, any president must possess the sensitivity to ALL states’ needs…not just Big Oil, prison industry and military industry red states.

    Pork barrel politics that floods red states with our tax dollars has to stop. If they had to live on the kind of federal ROI we pay with tax dollars, they’d soon get up off their lazy butts and get off those Gravy Train rides to real progress…not coal mines, oil rigs, packing prisons and devising endless for profit wars.

    Reply
    1. FireBaron April 1, 2015

      Eleanore, he didn’t even launch his bid in Texas, where he still expects to be treated as the “native son” candidate, despite Jeb, Rick and Rand also being able to claim Texas roots (having been born there, and not in Canada).

      Reply
      1. Eleanore Whitaker April 1, 2015

        You have to wonder why there’s such a glut of TX candidates. The biggest problem for these southern, south western and midwestern candidates is that they are too far out of touch with the way people in the northeast and northwest live. These guys are empty suits compared to the wolf packs on Wall Street.

        Reply
        1. hicusdicus April 3, 2015

          Well when they are through with you they will put back on their empty suits leave a dollar on the dresser and go home.

          Reply
    2. hicusdicus April 3, 2015

      WOW! Texas does all this? Big rich Texas with lots of jobs money and industry. We need to stop Texas they are setting a bad example for the liberal states.

      Reply
      1. Eleanore Whitaker April 3, 2015

        Wow…Here’s something for you to chew that longhorn cud on…TX is No. 2 in the amount of Federal tax return it gets for the $1 it pays…$1.72 for every $1….Wow….Here’s more…TX is No. 1 in Pollution which takes money from other states for spill fines and clean ups…WoW….TX along with other border states has taken over $50 billion for border protection…WOW…now..tell us HOW Big Rich Texas that Whole Other Country is going to secede from the union when the “union” is its major support…Texas sets a bad example every time pretty boys play their cowboy act as a front for their thievery…Enron is in TX…How much money did the Enron boys steal before they ended up in prison? WOW…are you an asshat or what?

        Every northeast state is supporting cowboys….When Bush’s Arbusto Oil company went ArBUSTo, how much of our tax dollars paid for that bankruptcy? How much did Bush dump of the Exxon Valdez 22 year old spill fine on liberals who are also taxpayers…Little hicusasshatcus….Try again…It’s always HOW a state gets that rich that matters….and right now TX is on the owing end…

        Reply
        1. idamag April 3, 2015

          My niece married a Texan and none of us can understand a word he says. Her little boy says to his brother, “Tech thet nd i’ll wise tcha. I asked my niece what he said and she said he told his brother not to touch his toy or he would waste him.

          Reply
          1. Eleanore Whitaker April 3, 2015

            My nephew moved to Texas in his teens. Mind you, he was from the northeast. Something bizarre happens to kids from out of state who move to Texas. Suddenly, the male of the species acts as if they are the only gender on the planet with the only voices that should be heard.

            If there is one thing I loathe about some Texans, it’s that blowhard BS. Right now, Texas is desperate to takeover in the northeast with commercials that tell us to “Visit Texas, It’s like NO other country.” So..when did that single state become a “country?” Worse, are Texan innuendos that insinuate that anything that doesn’t swagger, drawl, gloat, wear cowboy hats, chaps and spurs is an alien life form.

            So these commercials are all about the glories of Big Oil Dallas, Houston and how perfect life in Texas is. How much of the BS does it take for these clowns to realize that people in the northeast are not going to learn Texanese or dress on Wall Street in cowboys hats?

            Do they ever bother to think about how utterly ridiculous they appear to the rest of us who have nothing in common with long horns, spats and swimming around in oil? The northeast has evolved to where “oil” is now a dirty word. Especially, when we know we have energy efficient, clean options.

            Reply
          2. idamag April 3, 2015

            Big black cowboy hats remind me of an incident that happened in the 70s. I was painting a sign on the outside of my sister-in-law’s restaurant. On my side of the street was a boy with long hair. He was walking down the street minding his own business. Along came a couple of skinny kids dressed in their cowboy outfits. I’m sure they had to put paper in their big black hats to keep them from dropping down over their eyes. The yelled at the boy on my side of the street, “Why don’t you cut your hair, you hippie commie?” “Want us to come cut it for you?” They came over to my side of the street and started threatening him. I called to them and told them I was calling the police if they didn’t leave him alone. They went back to their own side of the street. I’m sure they are t=partiers, now.

            Reply
          3. dpaano April 29, 2015

            I have a friend who works for Toyota here in California…..they’re moving their company to Texas. He’s so excited about it…..I’ll give him a year before he’s yelling to come back to California!!!
            By the way, I was born in Texas (gasp….) and I’m sure glad my parents got smart and dragged me out of there when I was 3 months old!!! I never caught the Texas “bug,” so to speak!!!! I actually have a brain!

            Reply
        2. plc97477 April 4, 2015

          I, for one, was rooting for their secession. Would save the rest of the country a lot of money and sanity.

          Reply
  3. FireBaron April 1, 2015

    “Duck Soup” anyone?

    Reply
  4. itsfun April 1, 2015

    Wouldn’t Cruz just be obeying the law by getting obamacare? I doubt if he would be eligible for tax payer subsidies.

    Reply
    1. johninPCFL April 1, 2015

      Hmmm…Washington would call it a sell-out. Jefferson would call it a sell-out. Franklin would call it a sell-out. Hamilton would call it a sell-out. Hancock would call it a sell-out.

      Reply
      1. itsfun April 1, 2015

        We sure are lucky to have someone that knows exactly what Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, Hamilton and Hancock would think about this.

        Reply
        1. Sand_Cat April 1, 2015

          Just like we’re “lucky” to have you to tell us what WE should think.

          Reply
          1. itsfun April 1, 2015

            I don’t care what you think. You have the right to believe in anything you want to.

            Reply
          2. Sand_Cat April 2, 2015

            :>))
            (laughing)
            But you obviously do. Glad to see you at least allow me the privilege to think, even if I do have to just shut up and suffer while you ram your religious “freedom” down my throat.

            Reply
    2. JPHALL April 1, 2015

      He could just buy it from an insurance company on his own.

      Reply
      1. dpaano April 29, 2015

        HE’s too cheap!!!!

        Reply
  5. atc333 April 1, 2015

    “Imagine health care reform that keeps government out of the way,” warbled the senator.”

    How about Imagining Cruz actually presenting his replacement plan for Obamacare? Then the Nation could actually see and understand how warped and out of touch with reality he,and his ideas truly are

    Reply
  6. highpckts April 1, 2015

    Really?? God’s candidate?? ROFL! Not one politician would be God’s true choice!! This guy has an ego the size of Texas and also the lack of essential intelligence!!

    Reply
  7. Sand_Cat April 1, 2015

    Too terrifying to even contemplate.

    Reply
  8. fortunev April 1, 2015

    April Fool! This rtfckg clown will never be president of the US. He’s a grifter filling his pockests. It’s the perfect opportunity to scam the idiots and fools of the country.

    Reply
  9. Whatmeworry April 1, 2015

    Far better that then the mad mooooslim in the WH now invoking Sharia

    Reply
    1. Chris Muir April 1, 2015

      Reality never intrudes into your little Foxnews world, does it….

      Reply
      1. Sand_Cat April 2, 2015

        Not sure what world he’s in. Seems far beyond even Fox (I like the sticker I saw using the Fox logo with the slogan “News for Dumb Fux”).

        Reply
    2. Whatmeworry April 3, 2015

      My name is dan ketter and im a moron

      Reply
    3. Eleanore Whitaker April 3, 2015

      Oh puhlease…are there any men in the US more into Sharia law than Texans? Texas has all but put a lock and chain on women’s bodies…Sorry Danny boy…your dreams of more mindless hardship for the rest of us and glorious wealth for you are over.

      The butt kicking Cruz will get is going to come from his own party. He’s not even in the top 3 of their intended runners.

      Reply
      1. Whatmeworry April 3, 2015

        Sure are, NY, MA VT DE OR WA. Its easy just look at all the ugly women that gravitate to them

        Reply
        1. Eleanore Whitaker April 4, 2015

          From all those red meat eating fat guts and jowls on southern Mutton Chops and Midwestern cornballs, it figures guys like you only look at women as sex objects you think you can toy with.

          But, at least it fits the type of financially dependent Dixie belles and corn shuckers you guys glorify.

          Thank you for proving men like you think intelligent women are not your idea of womanhood…A jerk like you wouldn’t know an educated woman if she popped you bald, jowly fat guts in the kissers.

          Reply
          1. plc97477 April 4, 2015

            And any woman with a brain cell would have nothing to do with their ilk.

            Reply
          2. Eleanore Whitaker April 6, 2015

            They just don’t have a clue, do they? rofl

            Reply
          3. Whatmeworry April 5, 2015

            You can be sure you have never been look at other than as a COW

            Reply
          4. Whatmeworry April 6, 2015

            My fat wifey Linda Ketter looks like a cows behind

            Reply
          5. Eleanore Whitaker April 6, 2015

            If your wife is fat, it may be because she realizes what a doofus she married? So, like many woman, she figures she’s getting ever revenge by bashing hell out of that vain male ego.

            Reply
          6. Dan is fat also.

            Reply
          7. So do you.

            Reply
          8. Eleanore Whitaker April 6, 2015

            Don’t you wish? I know I can get any man with the crook of a finger…ALL women know this..only the dipshit males fall for our charms every time they can’t keep it in their pants. THAT really IS what your problem is, isn’t it?

            Reply
          9. Eleanore, this is the guy you are arguing with. He’s quite a handsome old feller ain’t he? He can criticize women online for their looks, even though he is a fat ugly slob himself who hobbles around with a cane.

            Reply
          10. Hi Dan!!

            Reply
        2. Daniel Max Ketter April 4, 2015

          They can’t be as ugly as my ole Linda. She could stop a clock with her ugliness and fat keyster.

          Reply
    4. dpaano April 29, 2015

      And just how, if you can explain, is he doing that? I don’t see women running around wearing veils, etc. You are so ridiculous!!! It’s the evangelical Christians that are turning us into a “sharia” type of country!! They want us ALL to believe in their God and to heck with the rest of the religions. In fact, they don’t even read the New Testament at all…..if they did, they wouldn’t be doing some of the terrible things they are doing to our Country!!! It’s an embarrassment!

      Reply
  10. Swo Ford April 2, 2015

    While deceit is the primary strategy of evil, lies, half-truths, and conscious omissions of truth are the day-to-day tactics.

    Reply
    1. Sand_Cat April 2, 2015

      So why don’t you stop doing both?

      Reply
  11. idamag April 3, 2015

    Judging by what Texas has already sent to Washington, I will not be surprised if he gets the nomination.

    Reply
    1. Eleanore Whitaker April 3, 2015

      Cruz won’t get a single vote up north. None of us wants another 8 years of losing our rights to what we paid for while we support Texas, That Whole Other country that can’t support itself. Why else do you think these blowhard braggarts don’t secede? They know damn well that 60% of their economy comes from taxpayers in other states.

      Reply
    2. plc97477 April 4, 2015

      I am not even sure cruz could win texass.

      Reply
  12. dpaano April 29, 2015

    For crying out loud, didn’t our ancestors come to this country to get away from radicalized religion? Now the evangelical Christians are getting as ridiculous as Al Quida…..they want us ALL to believe as they do and to hell with any other religions on earth!!! As a Christian myself, they embarrass me to tears!!! Falwall, as mentioned, is a blathering idiot, so Cruz has got himself a good partner!

    Reply

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