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Monday, December 09, 2019 {{ new Date().getDay() }}

Did you hear? Donald Trump will be our next president! That seemed to be the word, at least, from the omniscient pollsters at 538, Nate Silver’s data journalism organization, who predicted Monday that Donald Trump would beat Hillary Clinton if the presidential election were held today. (Clinton still leads 538’s polls-only and “polls-plus” analysis for November’s election day.)

It’s not just 538: Pundits and progressives alike are running around with their hair on fire today, after leaked emails from DNC leadership revealed an institutional bias against the insurgent campaign of Bernie Sanders.

So, let’s get used to it, America: President Donald Trump. President Donald Trump. President. Donald. John. Trump.

If you’re as shocked as I am that this madman will lead the soon-to-not-be-Free World, the following might be some help. Here are the five stages of grief that every subject of Trump’s regime ought to anticipate.


“There’s no way. There’s just no way. The world’s greatest democratic experiment is going to elect a knock-off Huey Long? Come on, we’re better than that. You’re better than that! The American people simply won’t let it happen — why would they? Trump is advocating for a massive tax cut that would add trillions upon trillions of dollars to the national debt while painting himself a gold-plated working class hero. He wants to deport 11 million people and ban an entire religion. Who wants that mad man’s finger on the trigger?! No way. The American electorate likes to play with fire, but electing Trump would be taking a blow torch to the Constitution. Forget it.”


“You’re not serious. That guy?! The guy that says he would let Japan and South Korea have nuclear weapons? You’re being irresponsible. This isn’t a reality show! We can’t change our presidential choices with the click of a remote. We all have to live with your vote — you have to live with your vote! What will you tell your Muslim friends? Oh, you… Okay, what will you tell your immigrant friends? No, he won’t just let them come back. We’re talking about 11 million people. It would be a human rights crisis of massive proportions! These are human beings, you idiot. Listen, I don’t care if you hate Hillary Clinton. I don’t care that you don’t think she’s the most qualified nominee in modern history. She doesn’t have to be perfect to prevent four years — or eight, or more! — at the whim of some third world strong man!”


“Listen, the world needs you to vote a certain way in order to avoid nuclear war and certain destruction. Bernie would have been filibustered to hell as president — think of all the good he can do in the Senate! It will be a lot easier to influence Hillary Clinton from the left than it will be to make a dent in Donald Trump’s iron ego. Think about that, huh? Who do you really want at the helm of world history’s largest ship? Someone sane, right? Someone who takes criticism and reads books? Of course, right? Right.”


“Look at how quickly the greatest nation in human history fell to a tyrant. Look at it. All he needed was a reality TV show and a few million dollars, and, of course, a willingness to forgo the niceties of typical politics. Let’s be honest, our politics have never been especially polite — but we’ve always seemed to share some sense of our national interest. And what now? This man? He’ll sell us out to the highest bidder. Vladimir Putin, looks like. I’m not an especially big fan.”


“So much for all this. It’s been nice knowing you, America. Seig Heil. Seig Heil!”


Photo: U.S. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump supporters carry a banner at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, U.S. July 21, 2016. REUTERS/Mike Segar


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