Are you ready for the American apocalypse? We are on the brink of major cataclysm, folks. It could be the Rapture, it could be Hillary’s Reich, or it could be Two Women Adopting A Child. These are the Last Days, and everyone wants the Last Word. It’s “This Week In Crazy,” The National Memo’s weekly update on the wildest attacks, conspiracy theories, and other loony behavior from the increasingly unhinged right wing. Starting with number five:
5. Nick and Sarah Jensen
Like a toddler who would rather break his toy than share it, an Australian couple say that they plan to divorce if same-sex marriage is legalized in their country.
According to the Sydney Morning Herald Nick and Sarah Jensen believe that expanding the definition of marriage to include gay couples somehow diminishes or threatens “the sacred nature of the union and leaves the door open to polygamy.”
“My wife and I, as a matter of conscience, refuse to recognise the government’s regulation of marriage if its definition includes the solemnisation of same sex couples,” Nick Jensen wrote in an open letter.
Despite the fact they’re willing to end a 10-year marriage to make a point, the Herald reports that their marriage is apparently healthy.
But I suppose that while there are opponents of marriage equality literally threatening to take up arms, the Jensens’ peaceable protest-separation comes off as a comparatively sane response.
4. Franklin Graham
Marriage equality is also compelling Franklin Graham (son of Billy) to pull his toys out of the sandbox.
His “toys,” in this case, being all the assets of the Billy Graham Evangelist Association, which he is removing from Wells Fargo to protest the bank’s (rather lovely) ad featuring a lesbian couple practicing sign language in anticipation of adopting a deaf child. After viewing the ad, and presumably performing the spit take of the century, Graham took to Facebook to announce his decision to boycott the bank rather than do “business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards.”
Despite the fact that the post has nearly 100,000 likes and a glut of positive comments from Christians vowing to do likewise with their funds, Graham recognizes that his staunchly anti-gay stance is becoming increasingly irrelevant.
Graham wrote in an op-ed in USA Today Thursday, “My position is not based upon polls or trends, political winds or Supreme Court wisdom. It is based upon God’s word, the Holy Bible written more than 2 thousand years ago, and that document is not subject to amendment or revision.”
Unfortunately for him, though, the new bank he deemed worthy of receiving his filthy lucre—North Carolina-based BB&T—also happens to be a major champion and sponsor of the LGBT community and its signature events.
3.Lights Out USA
Spend some time wading on the shoals off the lunatic shores of deep Internet, and you might stumble upon this outfit called Lights Out USA that provides products for survivalist patriots — you know, the tinfoil hat wearers who are hep to Hillary Clinton’s nefarious plans to destroy this country.
Their website — which consists mainly of a long, rambling, semi-coherent video screed — touts training modules like “Bulletproof house,” “Conquering the Coming Collapse,” and “Backyard Liberty.”
Their main product on offer at the moment is “The EMP Survival Course,” which offers the secrets to surviving the coming death blast from Hillary Clinton’s eminent EMP attack, as well as all the pro tips for maintaining a comfortable, “ultra-modern” lifestyle in the post-apocalyptic ruins.
The video, narrated by Nick Guarino, a self-proclaimed Clinton whistleblower whose career of dredging up conspiracies is just a bowl of mixed nuts, begins:
Hillary Clinton is getting from Obama much more than the keys to the oval office. She’s inheriting the White House’s biggest darkest secret… one that takes the cake for the betrayal of the century. Forget Benghazi, forget Obamacare. This is so dark, it had to be buried 10,000 feet deep under the Cheyenne Mountain.
As should your DVDs, Nick.
Via Liberals Unite
2. Glenn Beck
Glenn Beck is all about following God’s Law — whether it’s women’s health, LGBT rights, and what to order at Denny’s, Beck has the answers plucked straight from Mount Sinai. (After all, he recently said he was going to become the “Martin Luther King” of fighting same-sex marriage.)
But what truly holds sway over Beck is not God’s Law, but Godwin’s Law, which roughly states that as a debate continues, it becomes inevitable that someone will invoke Hitler and the Nazis.
And it is Godwin’s Law for which Beck is a true apostle. Given any topic, and roughly five minutes of air time, Blubbering Beck will always somehow bring it back to Bergen-Belsen. Because logic.
So it was on his radio show Wednesday when Beck discussed the ways in which liberals intimidate conservatives into silence — calling them bigots and homophobes if they say things that are… bigoted and homophobic.
Conservatives are living in fear, Beck says. And you know who else was afraid? Yeah. Dissidents in Nazi Germany, who were violently intimidated by Hitler’s Brownshirts. Which is exactly what’s happening to us in America today — “mentally” anyway.
“Why don’t you say things anymore?” Beck asks. “Because you might be called a nasty name. You might be destroyed. They are making you afraid. The first thing the goon squads that Hitler had out; do you know how he grabbed control of Germany?”
He went on:
God forbid you say something about Caitlyn Jenner like Clint Eastwood, they’ll hammer the snot out of you. They’ll destroy your job, they’ll destroy you socially, they’ll make your name the worst bigoted name out there. You cannot be afraid. If you’re afraid now, you wait. You stay silent much longer and it will get much, much worse
Right Wing Watch has the video:
1. Pat Robertson
It’s a knotty question that has inspired centuries of what I suppose we would now call “think pieces.”
And now we can add Mad Pat Robertson‘s two cents to the theological pile: “Your dead baby could have been Hitler.”
Ah, yes. Saint Pat tells the bereaved mothers of the world that since we know little and God knows much, we must realize that when He snuffs the life out of a blameless infant, it really isn’t such a bad thing:
“As far as God’s concerned,” Robertson said, “He knows the end from the beginning and He sees a little baby and that little baby could grow up to be Adolf Hitler, he could grow up to be Joseph Stalin, he could grow up to be some serial killer, or he could grow up to die of a hideous disease.”
Or he could grow up to be the next Pat Robertson.
Photo above: Glenn Halog via Flickr