Welcome to “This Week In Crazy,” The National Memo’s weekly update on the wildest attacks, conspiracy theories, and other loony behavior from the increasingly unhinged right wing. Starting with number five:
5. Steve Stockman
Photo: Gage Skidmore via Flickr.com
Texas Rep. Steve Stockman introduced a bill entitled “the Student Protection Act” to prohibit schools from suspending these students. The proposal would cut off funding to education institutions that punish students for making their food resemble a gun, for possessing a toy gun less than two inches, for possessing a toy gun made of plastic snap together building blocks, for using their hand to stimulate a gun, vocalizing imaginary fire arms, wearing clothing that supports Second Amendment rights, drawing or possessing an image of a gun, or using a writing utensil to simulate a firearm.
Stockman may think that protecting students from actual guns is a crime punishable by impeachment, but at least students are safe from the totally-not-made-up problem of being suspended for possessing a crayon drawing of a pistol.
Rep. Stockman released a statmement clarifying the bill, noting that “Punishing children for playing ‘cops and robbers’ or taking a bite out of a Pop-Tart that makes it somewhat resemble a gun is not healthy for children.” And if anyone knows what’s healthy for kids, it’s this guy.
4. Sam Johnson
Representative Sam Johnson (R-TX) checks in at number four, for an especially hysterical warning about the impact of health care reform.
“Boy, I’ll tell you,” Rep. Johnson said in response to the Obama administration’s decision to delay the Affordable Care Act’s employer mandate by a year. “I hate to see a dictatorship come into this country, but it sure looks like that’s what’s happening with health care.”
Yes, in Johnson’s opinion, delaying a provision in a law that he hates is the first step towards absolute tyranny. Of course, despite being the law of the land for three years, Obamacare hasn’t led to totalitarian rule yet — but when it does, Johnson will presumably be the first against the wall.
3. Andy Sanborn
Photo:@SenatorSanborn via Twitter
In an admirable attempt to one-up Rep. Johnson’s paranoid theory on Obamacare, Sanborn somehow convinced himself that this joke was an appropriate response to the law’s ongoing implementation:
“Now that this thing is barreling down on us like a jet landing into San Francisco, it’s [laughs] it should make people really concerned,” Sanborn said of Obamacare. Hahaha, get it?
When confronted about the joke by WMUR.com, Sanborn initially said that he had no memory of making it, but later conceded that “if I offended anyone, I am sorry.” In his defense, however, there is oen comparison between the health care law and the tragic plane crash that killed two people over the weekend: They are both examples of government regulation working.
2. Glenn Beck
This week, Beck makes his regular appearance on this list with a particularly mean-spirited conspiracy theory. On his Monday show, Beck suggested that Teresa Heinz Kerry faked her recent medical crisis to distract from the “huge scandal” of her husband, Secretary of State John Kerry, being on his boat while Egypt’s government fell last week.
“You expect me to believe that Ms. Ketchup is in critical condition?” Beck asked before transitioning smoothly to — what else? — Benghazi. Yes, according to Beck, Mrs. Kerry can’t be trusted because — in his fever dreams — Hillary Clinton faked an injury to avoid testifying before Congress.
Video of Beck’s rant is available via Right Wing Watch:
1. Erik Rush
Writing in WorldNetDaily, the equally entertaining and unnerving right-wing conspiracy dumpster, Rush explains that President Obama is a “treacherous mobster” who is more than likely responsible for scores of murders. Among other victims, Rush cites:
—Obama’s closeted gay lovers
—Lieutenant Quarles Harris Jr., who was investigating Obama’s passport records
—Jennifer Gallagher, a nurse who drowned a month after attending to victims of the Aurora movie theater shooting
—Journalist Michael Hastings, who died in a “car accident”
—Ambassador Christopher Stevens, who was killed in the attack in Benghazi
—Right-wing demigod Andrew Breitbart, who died of a “heart attack”
—First Dog Bo Obama’s trainer
What is Rush’s evidence that the president is actually a serial killer? He doesn’t have any, because evidence is for liberals.
“I know it’s typical for those on the political left to demand peer-reviewed studies, videotape and signed affidavits proving the assertions some of us make concerning the machinations of the Obama administration and socialist encroachment at large, but we all are aware by now that this is a diversion,” Rush writes. “It’s also a good indicator that we’re correct in said assertions.”
At this point, it’s fair to wonder why Rush is writing a weekly column instead of being committed to a mental hospital. But hey, like Rush himself, we’re just asking questions.