Welcome to “This Week In Crazy,” The National Memo’s weekly update on the wildest attacks, conspiracy theories, and other loony behavior from the increasingly unhinged right wing. Starting with number five:
5. Stuart Varney
Fox Business Network anchor Stuart Varney will never be confused for a climate scientist, but his latest argument against global warming is particularly silly.
Reporting on the rescue of 52 passengers from a research ship that was stranded in Antarctic ice, Varney insisted that the presence of ice in Antarctica — along with the winter storm hammering the northeastern United States — represents evidence that the Earth is actually getting colder.
“So, it looks to me like we are looking at global cooling,” Varney said. “Forget this global warming. That’s just my opinion.”
Varney then transitioned to his next topic, “Can you invest in the weather?” Until he reads some basic facts on Antarctica (and the scientific method), I would suggest that he does not.
4. Bryan Fischer
A recent Pew Research poll found that just 43 percent of Republicans believe in evolution. It may not stun you to learn that Bryan Fischer is not one of them.
The American Family Association mouthpiece ripped Darwin’s theory on Thursday, falsely insisting — as he often does — that the Founding Fathers shared his wacky worldview. According to Fischer, they knew that “man is a created being, not an evolved being, didn’t rise out of the swamp somewhere.”
“We don’t share ancestors with apes and baboons,” he continued. “In fact, I would suggest to you that if a politician, if somebody wants to exercise political power and he is an evolutionist, he is disqualified from holding political office in the United States of America. Because he does not share the political worldview that established the United States of America.”
If only Fischer could find his 150 million Phil Robertsons, maybe his War on Evolutionists (not to be confused with his War on Gays and his War on the War on Christmas) could end in victory.
3. David Barton
Pseudo-historian David Barton returns to the list with a bit of political analysis that helps to explain why he’s Glenn Beck’s dream senator.
While guest-hosting Beck’s show for the holidays, Barton and anti-abortion activist Michael New explained why former Virginia attorney general and gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli really lost to Terry McAuliffe in the 2013 election: He wasn’t anti-abortion enough.
“If he had been stronger on pro-life issues, he probably would have won the election in Virginia,” Barton asserted.
“That’s fairly amazing,” he added, “that if he had been more pro-life he would have won, which means we must be picking up public opinion across the board on this kind of issue.”
Putting aside the comical notion that Cuccinelli even could have moved farther to the right — keep in mind, his running mate argued that Planned Parenthood is conducting a “genocide,” and is worse than the Ku Klux Klan — the theory that voters wanted a more anti-abortion candidate is easily debunked.
Even one of Cuccinelli’s “RRR polls” would probably tell Barton to go back to the drawing board.
2. Pat Robertson
Pat Robertson checks in at number two for the 2014 installment of his New Year’s predictions, which are supposedly based on an annual conversation with God that takes place in the Virginia mountains.
This year, according to Robertson, God says “the world is going to be in chaos,” caused by a credit crisis with China and Iran obtaining a nuclear weapon (due to President Obama’s weak leadership, naturally).
Speaking of Obama, Robertson predicts that “Republicans will win control of the Congress,” which will cause the president to completely give up.
“He likes Hawaii, he spent a lot of time in Hawaii and he probably figured, ‘Okay, I’ve done my thing, now let’s go surfing,’” Robertson predicts. “I mean really, he’s got a big airplane to ride around in, he’s got a big staff, he’s got a big expensive limousine to ride in, he can just go bopping around the world and he doesn’t have to govern and I don’t think he’s going to because he can’t get anything through.”
God apparently finds it deeply amusing to embarrass Robertson, as his predictions are pretty much always wrong. So while it’s theoretically possible that President Obama is about to retire to Hawaii to become a surfer, it’s certain that Robertson still needs to learn a lesson about false prophets.
1. Jim Garrow
Even Robertson’s 2014 predictions fall short of those of this week’s “winner,” birther conspiracy theorist Jim Garrow.
“What we’re going to see soon is an unveiling of the concept that we have in fact been contacted by and have been in communication with people from other civilizations beyond Earth and that will be part of the great deception that is forthcoming soon from Mr. Obama,” Garrow revealed to a suitably shocked Rush. According to Garrow, Obama knows that this “opportunity to show himself as a leader, a great statesman” is the only way to reverse his sagging poll numbers.
But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Garrow “reports” that President Obama has already signed a treaty with Canada, ensuring that even if the U.S. military refuses to attack those Americans who don’t fall for his alien plot — which, like all things Obama does, would be a backdoor plan to establish a dictatorship — the Canadian military would step in.
“U.S. troops swear allegiance to the Constitution, but the Canadians don’t,” Garrow warns. “Now we’re bringing in a new element, a group of people who could be armed and could be in a position to shoot American civilians who have never sworn allegiance to the Constitution.”
The theory is so far out there that Rush could only reply with a stunned one-word answer: “Wow.”
When you’ve left Erik Rush speechless, you’ve definitely earned the top spot in This Week In Crazy.
Audio of Garrow’s remarks is available at Right Wing Watch.
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