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President Joe Biden

Former defeated President Trump was notorious for giving nicknames to any leader or official whom he didn’t care for, preferably over Twitter in some garbled rant. Whether calling Joe Biden “Sleepy Joe,” Hillary Clinton “Crooked Hillary,” or North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un “Rocketman,” the fact remains that hacky nicknames were Trump’s specialty. But what about President Joe Biden?

We all know Biden’s love for old-time expressions that only grandpas would say, including “Malarkey,” but what we don’t really know is what nicknames, if any, Biden uses to mock his rivals. He seems to like calling Fox News’ Peter Doocy a “stupid son-of-a-b#tch,” which isn't inaccurate. That really begs the question of what nicknames Biden might secretly have for Russian President Vladimir Putin, especially now that US-Russia relations are at an all-time low.

1. Vladdy Cakes

Sometimes it really seems like Putin is nothing but a moldering corpse inside a meat suit. He's sort of like Mark Zuckerberg but far more evil. Calling him Vladdy Cakes seems to slightly personalize the evil autocrat.

2. Putin on the Fritz

We've all seen Mel Brook's Young Frankenstein and the famous "Puttin On the Ritz" scene, but Vlad might actually be even more monstrous and glitchy than Victor's Frankenstein, hence Putin on the Fritz. Get it?

3. Pouty Patootie

When Russia's dictatorial leader is not perpetually frowning, he almost looks like he's pouting. You know, like if one of his generals doesn't bring him back a bunch of Ukrainian corpses, he'll immediately start to pout.

4. A$hole Riot

Pussy Riot, a Russian feminist protest punk rock and performance art group based in Moscow, has had plenty of issues with Putin over the years. The group gained global fame when five members of the group staged a performance inside Moscow's Cathedral of Christ the Saviour on February 21, 2012. The women said their protest was directed at the Orthodox Church leaders' support for Putin during his election campaign. So Biden can play off the name of this wildly popular Russian band in a snarky nickname for Putin.

5. The Longtable Loon

Although poisoning journalists and having his political opponents suddenly disappear are among Putin's favorite activities, he seems to favor those super long tables that look straight out of Game of Thrones. So why riff on of his weird affinity for long tables with this simple but effective nickname?

Michael Hayne is a comedian, writer, voice artist, podcaster, and impressionist. Follow his work on Facebook and TikTok


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