This Week In Crazy: The Savage Theorem

This Week In Crazy: The Savage Theorem

There are cranks and then there are cranks. And then there are these people. Welcome to “This Week In Crazy,” The National Memo’s weekly update on the wildest attacks, conspiracy theories, and other loony behavior from the increasingly unhinged right wing. Starting with number five:

5. Jim Inhofe

Infrastructure, environment, Jim Inhofe, politics, Congress, climate change, Keystone XL, pollutionYou might remember Senator Jim Inhofe as the instigator of the shortest snowball fight to ever take place within the U.S. Capitol.

The logic-proof Republican from Oklahoma announced this week that he was opposed to the Pentagon’s new policies that will allow transgender troops to serve openly. And just as a single clump of snow disproves the overwhelming consensus of climate scientists, Inhofe thinks that the expansion of transgender rights “wouldn’t work” because of a single tween’s innocent question.

Regarding the inclusion of transgender troops, Inhofe explained his opposition to Politico with the following parable: “I had a 10-year-old,” spake Inhofe the Wise, “not my son, but a friend of mine’s grandson — say, ‘All right, which bathroom would they use?’”

Pack it in, folks. Inhofe says we got a confused kid here. Checkmate, civil rights.

Via Politico

Next: Michele Fiore

4. Michele Fiore

Did you know that cancer is a fungus that you can flush out of your body with mineral water?

This is the gospel of Michele Fiore, who runs a health care business out of her home, and is also a duly elected lawmaker in the Nevada state Assembly.

“If you have cancer, which I believe is a fungus, and we can put a pic line [one of these things] into your body and we’re flushing with, say, salt water” or baking soda “through that line and flushing out the fungus,” Fiore was reported saying on her radio show back in February.

This week Fiore popped up on my daft board again because she has been obstructing a state investigation into her racket. Fiore — a onetime supporter of Nevada grass freeloader and vocal insurrectionist Cliven Bundy — is sitting at a comfortable intersection of quackery and hypocrisy. According to Ralston Reports, Fiore’s pseudo clinic has received $6 million from Medicaid in the last five years and she is threatening to pass legislation to kill the probe that’s angling to shut her down.

Via Raw Story

Next: Michael Savage

3. Michael Savage

Screenshot: YouTube

The Savage Theorem:

  • Let X = whatever is upsetting conservative radio host Michael Savage this week.
  • For every X, there exists a rant less than or equal to 30 seconds connecting X to Barack Obama.

Proof #1: If X = an imaginary plan to pay slavery reparations, then:

I would fight to my death before I pay one dime in reparations and I would go to jail before I would pay one cent in reparations […] I would lead an armed rebellion against the government if they try to push that one down my throat after ripping off my life with affirmative action and welfare, I’m sick of it! And this gangster keeps getting away with it, this criminal in the White House, day in and day out, one lie after another, imperious, arrogant, hostile, aimed only at the white middle class. Look at his policies and tell me who he’s going after. Open your eyes, you idiots!

Proof #2: If X = the Chattanooga tragedy, then:

A day after the world comes to understand Obama sold the West down the river with his sellout to Iran, giving them the right to develop a nuclear weapon, a day later, a Kuwaiti, an American citizen, opens fire on a Marine base.

Proof #3: If X = Michael Savage has the flu, then:

It was the end of a long year, y’know, coming into summer. The flu wiped me out for two months. That, um, the flu from Honduras. The Honduran flu that I got almost wiped me out. My body just really got wasted by the Honduran flu, brought in by Obama’s children last summer on those trains. Oh yeah, call it the Honduran flu. It’s not the Asian flu. I haven’t had a flu in 25 years. I don’t get sick.

Please note that Savage’s Theorem operates outside the jurisdiction of cause and effect.

Via Right Wing Watch

Next: Ted Nugent

2. Ted Nugent

Ted Nugent, the gun nut extraordinaire who once earnestly said, “Guns don’t kill children,” has a solution to our epidemic of mass shootings: We must carry guns everywhere.

In a column for WorldNutDaily WorldNetDailypublished Wednesday, Nugent relies on the debunked canard that the Chattanooga shooting was the direct result of guns being banned on military bases (they aren’t), and, more broadly, that such “gun-free zones” are targeted by shooters specifically because they are gun-free (also not true).

Nugent applauds Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump for his stated willingness to allow everyone to carry guns on military bases, but he goes one further: “If Mr. Obama truly cared about the safety and security of the American people,” Nugent writes, “he would issue an executive order banning all gun-free zones.”

Yes: Ban all gun-free zones (which Nugent calls “gun-free slaughter zones”). You name it, you ought to be able to conceal-carry in it. That includes: schools, libraries, airports, dentist’s offices, malls, subway stations, zoos, churches, theme parks, playgrounds… and so on and so forth. Never again shall the boot of big government stomp on your right to carry an assault rifle into a daycare center.

Nugent also claims that inner-city gun violence is the “direct result of brain-dead liberal policies and politically correct programs that have been systematically engineered to control and manipulate black Americans.” So when he enjoins Americans to stand up for “freedom and common sense,” take note that his definition of “sense” probably doesn’t align with anything remotely sane.


Next: Pat Robertson 

1. Pat Robertson

Please welcome back Pat Robertson, the addled wax mannequin who believes that anorexia should be treated like a case of demonic possession, and once comforted a grieving mother by telling her that had she not miscarried, her baby could have grown up to become the next Hitler.

The good reverend never stays off this page for long, and in his mad dash to say as many astonishingly stupid things as he can before he blasts off for that big tax-exempt megachurch in the sky, has outdone himself again, insisting that marriage equality will pave the way for legal bestiality and more.

On Tuesday’s edition of The 700 Club, Mad Pat proclaimed that “separation of church and state” is just a strange rule cooked up by activist judges, as are abortion rights and “homosexuality and now homosexual marriage.” 

“Love affairs between men and animals are gonna be absolutely prohibit— I mean permitted,” Robertson said. “Polygamy without question is going to be permitted, and it will be called a right,” as will pedophilia apparently (“relationships with children,” in the words of Robertson’s co-host).

“Intellectually, you can’t get around these Supreme Court decisions. […] We are stuck with a fixed doctrine of five old men on the Supreme Court — five men with black robes, and I don’t know how old anymore.”

Ah yes, the fixed doctrine of old men. Pat just hates that.

ViaRight Wing Watch

Illustration: Savages (Sam Reisman/National Memo via)


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