Welcome to “This Week In Crazy,” The National Memo’s weekly update on the wildest attacks, conspiracy theories, and other loony behavior from the increasingly unhinged right wing. Starting with number five:
Over the past several months, the White House has attempted to spark a national conversation about the issue of sexual assault on college campuses. This is probably not what they had in mind.
It may not stun you to learn that TheBlaze — the right-wing media network owned by rape-joke enthusiast Glenn Beck — is not thrilled with the White House initiative. But even by Beck’s standards, this segment is rather jaw-dropping:
I cannot stress this enough: If one of your employees comes to you with a fresh idea to make rape funny, please say no.
Thankfully, the biggest victim here was good taste (and whichever interns had to spend their Tuesdays making arrow-shaped signs reading “RAPE!”)
4. Pat Robertson
Televangelist Pat Robertson returns to the list at number four, for offering a unique bit of relationship advice to his viewers.
After receiving a letter from a woman who was annoyed by the way her husband always reminds her “I did that for you” when he pitches in with household chores, Robertson explained that this attitude is just part of the “male psyche.”
“Do you want to have a loving, warm, sensuous, exciting marriage or do you want to have a partnership, a business relationship with your spouse?” Robertson asked. He then went on to lay out his version of the ideal marriage: One in which the husband trades chores for sex.
“With each dish he’s saying ‘I love you,’ and if you understood that you’d say, ‘Darling you’re wonderful, I got a treat for you…wait till we get behind closed doors and you’ll see the treat I have for you,'” Robertson counseled.
Sadly, in Robertson’s world, married Jews don’t get to have much sex. After all, they’re too busy polishing their diamonds to pitch in around the house.
3. Gordon Klingenschmitt
Colorado legislature candidate and demon expert Gordon Klingenschmitt is still an outspoken opponent of anti-discrimination laws — and he’s still not making a ton of sense.
Perhaps sensing that his last attack against transgender Americans — a warning that Nancy Pelosi wants to make women share their bathrooms “with a man who may or may not be sitting down when he goes pee” — inspired more giggling than fear, Klingenschmitt took a different tack in a weekend email to his supporters.
“‘Transgenders’ want your children,” he wrote, in response to a recent court ruling in Maine. “Liberals demand public access to rape your girls, at least visually in public bathrooms, or to expose themselves to your girls at school, without parental consent or protection of any kind.”
It should go without saying that the ruling does not give liberals the right to rape your kids. But then, Klingenschmitt has never been known for his legal acumen.
Klingenschmitt went on to offer a solution to the totally-not-made-up crisis. “Maine parents should immediately remove their children from public schools, and teach them at home.”
Sounds like a perfect solution for paranoid parents — at least until the militant gays show up during recess to have sex in the house.
2. Rush Limbaugh
Unlike many of his right-wing colleagues, Rush Limbaugh sees the recent mass shooting at UC Santa Barbara as a cause for urgent action.
“We’ve got to see the signs, and then when we see the signs, we have to be willing to act on the signs that we’re seeing. The telltale signs that we might be dealing with somebody unbalanced, capable of mass murder and violence,” Limbaugh said Wednesday. “And we must take steps, as a society and as a culture, to stop this.”
Don’t give Limbaugh too much credit, though. As it turns out, he only sees the telltale signs of a mass murderer in one man: Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV).
“I think somebody needs to put Harry Reid in a safe and secure place,” Limbaugh said. “This obsession that he has with the Koch brothers very much scares me…this man hates and resents the Koch brothers every bit as much as Elliot Rodger hated women.”
Of course, if Reid’s criticism of Charles and David Koch makes him the same as Elliot Rodger, then Limbaugh’s own rhetoric on President Obama makes him roughly equivalent to Genghis Khan.
Although Limbaugh wants to see Reid locked away, he’ll never attempt to disarm him. After all, guns don’t kill people — liberalism does.
1. “Joe” The “Plumber”
Shockingly, Limbaugh didn’t have the worst reaction to the UCSB shooting. That honor goes to former right-wing celebrity Samuel Wurzelbacher — better known as “Joe the Plumber” (although that’s neither his name nor his occupation).
In an open letter published on BarbWire Tuesday, Wurzelbacher offered the following condolence to grieving father Richard Martinez, whose 20-year-old son was killed in the attack: “As harsh as this sounds – your dead kids don’t trump my Constitutional rights.”
“There are no critical words for a grieving father. He can say whatever he wants and blame whoever he’d like – it’s okay by me. You can’t take a step in his shoes – at least I can’t,” Wurzelbacher writes.
“But the words and images of Mr. Martinez blaming ‘the proliferation of guns’, lobbyists, politicians, etc.; will be exploited by gun-grab extremists as are all tragedies involving gun violence and the mentally ill by the anti-Second Amendment Left,” he continues.
“We still have the Right to Bear Arms and I intend to continue to speak out for that right, and against those who would restrict it,” Wurzelbacher adds, “even in the face of this horrible incident by this sad and insane individual. I almost said ‘Obama Voter’ but I’m waiting for it to be official.”
Stay classy, “Joe!”
Of course, Wurzelbacher won’t be giving up his guns any time soon — after all, he may need them to film ads for his next failed campaign… or who knows what else. “Guns are mostly for hunting down politicians who would actively seek to take your freedoms and liberty away from you,” he said ominously in a blog post. “Google ‘Hitler, Mao, Kim Jung [sic] Il, Castro, Stalin’ just for starters.”
But look on the bright side: While he did invoke Hitler, at least he didn’t hold forth on the Holocaust this time.
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