Welcome to “This Week In Crazy,” The National Memo’s weekly update on the wildest attacks, conspiracy theories, and other loony behavior from the increasingly unhinged right wing. Starting with number five:
5. Bryan Fischer
Much like his friends at Fox News, American Family Association mouthpiece Bryan Fischer is deeply concerned about Alton Nolen, the Oklahoma man who allegedly beheaded a woman last week.
According to Fischer, there can only be one explanation for such a horrific crime: Satan.
“Remember that it was in Oklahoma City where the city fathers said ‘you can have your Satanic ritual in the heart of our city,'” Fischer said on the Tuesday edition of his radio show, in reference to a controversial protest in the state’s capital. “And then literally, I mean this literally, ladies and gentlemen, all Hell has broken loose in the state of Oklahoma. Oklahoma City allows a Satanic ritual and all of a sudden, we start hearing about people having their head cut off in the name of the demon god Allah. Just a coincidence? I’ll leave it up to you to make up your own mind”
Of course, purging Oklahoma of Satan sounds like an awful lot of work. So instead, to prevent further murders, Fischer suggests his favorite solution to most problems: Cracking down on immigrants.
“I think our policy toward Islam should be the same as our policy toward Ebola,” he explained on Wednesday, suggesting that we seal the border. “Now we ought to be saying exactly the same thing about people who come from Muslim-majority countries, because we have no way of knowing who might be carrying the decapitation virus.”
“We have no way to tell, we’ve got no kind of scanning device that can identify whether the decapitation virus is in you, whether it’s alive in you, whether it’s going to erupt,” he added.
4. Louie Gohmert
Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) is not the only Republican who believes that President Obama would rather be politically correct than stop the Ebola virus from killing us all. But, true to form, he had the least coherent explanation.
During a Thursday interview on Fox Business Network’s Lou Dobbs Tonight, Gohmert explained that “political correctness is putting the president in jeopardy” and “getting military members killed.”
Specifically, Gohmert took issue with President Obama’s decision to send 3,000 troops to western Africa to provide medical and logistical support to the nations fighting Ebola.
“This is the heart of the problem, political correctness. And by the way, this same kind of idea would send 3,000 military into where they can get Ebola that they can bring back,” Gohmert explained. “The military’s not trained to go catch Ebola and die.”
Thankfully, the small-government conservative has a solution to the political correctness plague that is causing the president to murder the troops: An open-ended congressional investigation!
“That’s where we need to get to the bottom of who has instilled this atmosphere of political correctness,” Gohmert explained.
Video of the interview is below, via Gohmert’s YouTube page (yes, he’s apparently proud of this exchange).
On Tuesday, the federal government announced that it will spend $9 million to ensure that unaccompanied migrant children who have been apprehended at the U.S.-Mexico border have access to legal representation.
It may not shock you to learn that the hosts of Fox News’ Outnumbered were not thrilled about the decision.
On Wednesday’s edition of the show, co-host Harris Faulkner suggested that there are only two choices when it comes to what to do with the children.
“We can pay for attorneys to put them in the countries where they think that they should go home, or we can pay for their schooling,” she said. “So you can keep them here and not pay for the lawyers and not send them home, or you can educate them.”
“It makes you wonder what’s worse,” former MTV VJ Kennedy chimed in. “A drug war in Honduras, or Common Core?”
Down in Louisiana, they’re pretty sure they know the answer.
2. Ben Carson
One of the worst-kept secrets in politics is that former pediatric neurosurgeon and current right-wing paranoiac Dr. Ben Carson will run for president in 2016.
If there is a 2016 presidential election, that is.
During a Friday night interview on Fox News radio, host Alan Colmes asked Carson about his warning that if the GOP doesn’t win the Senate in November, he’s not sure “there will even be an election in 2016.”
Carson replied that Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) could spark mass anarchy by failing to “bring up these 358 bills that are sitting on his desk” (none of which has anything to do with canceling the election).
Colmes, understandably confused, then restated the question, leading to this exchange:
Colmes: What do you mean, though, when you say there may not be an election in 2016?
Carson: There may be so much anarchy going on.
Colmes: Anarchy? So you really think we risk risking an anarchic America to the point where elections might be put on hold, or some kind of emergency is declared with such anarchy that there wouldn’t be a Presidential election in a couple of years?
Carson: I don’t want to find out. I really don’t want to find out, I don’t want to continue down this pathway that we’re going down.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Florida, Allen West just realized that he will have to get way crazier to have a chance in the primaries.
Audio of the interview is available at Liberaland.
1. Before It’s News
Six years into Barack Obama’s presidency, birther claims that he is not who he claims to be have gotten rather stale. So this week’s “winner,” conspiracy website Before It’s News, has moved on to a new target: his wife.
She then suggests that “[T]his could very well be because the two girls were adopted, possibly from Morocco,” providing as evidence a link to the even more deluded blog Fellowship of the Minds. The author of that post “did a Google Image search for Obama’s daughters” and paid for Genealogy.com trial membership to look for records, but came up empty.
Could this be a sign that he’s terrible at using search engines? No, clearly something more sinister is at play here.
Thankfully, conspiracy site Before It’s News is here to close the loop. According to the site’s sources, who are totally real and not at all made up, the Obama daughters were adopted — because Michelle Obama is a transsexual who was born Michael LaVaughn Robinson.
According to the article, Robinson was the middle linebacker on Oregon State’s football team, but “after finishing a respectable rookie season with 88 tackles and 7.5 sacks, he suddenly dropped out of the school” and underwent sex reassignment surgery.
“To hide the shame of his new identity, Michael left Oregon State to attend Princeton University under his new legal name, ‘Michelle Robinson,'” the article continues. “Years later, he met Barry Obama Jr. a Kenyan immigrant who later became aware of Michelle’s ‘true’ identity. They subsequently married and adopted two children.”
In case you still aren’t sold, this 100 percent real picture of Michael LaVaughn Robinson on the football team should seal the deal:
Honestly, you’d think that people who are so fixated on Photoshop would be a bit better at using it.
As The Raw Story points out, most of this bombshell exclusive was actually lifted from a satire site. Or at least that’s what the lamestream media wants you to think.
Check out previous editions of This Week In Crazy here. Think we missed something? Let us know in the comments!
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