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This Week In Crazy: Anti-Gay Chick-Fil-A, Criminal Sexting, And Stormy

Chick-Fil-A causes a dean to dropout, teen sexting leads to anal sex, and paying off a mistress proves your family values.  No, you’re not in Kansas, Dorothy. It’s This Week in Crazy!

5. Ronald Beaty, Jr.

This county commissioner from Cape Cod, Massachusetts is known for putting out some idiotic tweets. However, he took the cake last month when he tweeted out the following:

Beaty posted this tweet, reacting to two LGBTQ members being granted leadership roles in his legislature. Clearly, this Barnstable County resident forgot that Provincetown (a gay Mecca) is in his county. Or perhaps the homophobe knows all too well. So, what did this closeted bigot do when the media scrutiny hit? He pulled his Trump card. “I pretty much only do what President Donald Trump does relative to his social media postings. If it is good enough for our president, whom I support 100 percent, then it is good enough for me as well.” Hear that? Golden showers for Beaty on his next trip to P-Town!

4. Cynthia Newman

Okay, what’s in the chicken at Chick-Fil-A? Chick-Fil-A has a long-standing history of donating millions to companies that push religious agendas…including conversion therapy for homosexuals. And they’re using chicken lovers to bankroll the operation. In fact, now some of their devotees are even willing to commit career suicide. Currently, ten universities have decided against allowing the bigots who own Chick-Fil-A to open up shop on their campus. One of these colleges is Rider University’s College of Business. Their decision not to do business with Chick-Fil-A had Dean Cynthia Newman crowing, “What the cluck!” Ms. Newman  stepped down as dean over what she perceived as an attack on religion. The cock-a-doodle-dean stated, “I endeavor every day to do exactly what Chick-fil-A puts forward as its overarching corporate value: to glorify God.” Newman added a touch of unintentional comedy when she added that all her accomplishments are “God’s working in and through me.”

3. Turning Point USA

I’ve been to a white party, but this past week, Turning Point USA threw a white privilege party. Turning Point USA describes itself as a “youth organization that promotes the principles of fiscal responsibility, free markets, and limited government.” Naturally, they invited Donald Trump, Jr., some Proud Boys, conspiracy theorist Jack Burkman, and a bunch of other deplorables. The invite to this soiree included a dabbing astronaut and concluded with the Shakespearean-esque, “Dilly dilly.” Things got even more crunk with a drink list that captured the rapey vibe perfectly:

https://twitter.com/jaredlholt/status/1101279663765245952/photo/

Come to think of it, This Week in Crazy regular, Laura Loomer, was there too. Yikes, hope she didn’t have a Kavanaugh along with those red pills she was talking about.

2. Mike Rounds

If you love your spouse, you will not let them know you cheated on them…by any means necessary. That is the marks of a true man and a true president. At least, in the eyes of Senator Mike Rounds (R-SD). Rounds is making the media rounds (see what I did there). The conservative senator is defending President Trump for arranging hush money payoffs with Stormy Daniels while he was on the job.

Rounds has a point. Trump paid off Stormy because he loves his family. It’s the same reason why he slept with her in the first place, right? The South Dakotan senator hit the nail on the head when he concluded, “it has as much to do with trying not to have public discussions about something that is, for him, a private matter that he didn’t want to have discussed with his family.”

1. Brad Klippert

If you thought hickeys leading to sex was a problem, well, sexting is a gateway portal to anal. So says Washington State Rep. Brad Klippert. Washington’s legislature passed House Bill 1742, decriminalizing sexts between minors. This set Klippert off on a rant that would make a gaggle of sailors blush:

Under HB 1742, a minor in possession of explicit content sent from another minor will be charged with a misdemeanor rather than a felony. This bill passed on the grounds that the underage sender knowingly distributed the photo to the consenting minor.According to Klippert, HB 1742 also subjects minors to “oral to genital, anal-genital, oral-anal, whether between persons of the same or opposite sex, or between humans and animals.” He concluded with a stirring rendition of the definition of sodomy. Was it from a text he picked up during his dinner date with Ronald Beaty, Jr. at Chick-Fil-A? Hopefully, they’ll have a lot more to talk about after appearing in This Week in Crazy!

This Week In Crazy: Persecuted Racists, Vote Thieves, And Matt Gaetz (Twice!)

Trump supporters are violated, Matt Gaetz exposes himself as a peeping Tom. And being racist isn’t racism if you employ at least one black person. Don’t adjust your computer screens. It’s This Week in Crazy!

5. Laura Loomer

Being outed as racists can be really hard on the financial security of Trump supporters, as Laura Loomer can say from experience. With less charisma than a sloth on downers, she whined: “People like myself and Alex Jones and Milo Yiannopoulos and Gavin McInnes and so many others are being de-platformed simply because we support President Trump.”

The Loom went on to say that she and fellow Frat Packers “inspired so many young people and red-pilled so many people to vote for President Trump.” Whoa there, careful what kinda pills you’re poppin’ at those white privilege parties.

Clearly still pilled, Loomer suggested the FBI raid Robert Mueller at six in the morning. She ended on a poignant note: “I think that the way Trump supporters are being treated in this country constitutes human rights violations.” Well, they didn’t violate Article 13, which protects your freedom to move.

4. McCrae Dowless and Mark Harris

McCrae and Marky, gettin’ cray-cray in Carolina. Mr. Dowless is a longtime GOP operative whose most recent task was working on Mark Harris’ 2018 Republican Congressional campaign. Harris was projected to win North Carolina’s 9th Congressional District with 900 votes. But officials discovered that Dowless illegally collected thousands of absentee ballots.

On Wednesday, Dowless was indicted on seven counts related to election fraud: “three counts of felonious obstruction of justice, two counts of conspiracy to commit obstruction of justice, and two counts of possession of absentee ballot.”

North Carolina plans to run a second election to determine the real victor. Sadly for Harris, he lied about his knowledge of any wrongdoing by Dowless to the State Board. This mendacity disqualified Harris from contention. To save face, he claimed he wasn’t going to run again due to medical issues and problems with “memory and recall.” Now, if only he could forget hiring Dowless…

 

3. Matt Gaetz

Not to be outdone by the latest Kardashian clan cheating scandal, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R_FL) went all Real Housewives on Michael Cohen. Gaetz ran the old Tweet-and-Delete, calling out the former Trump confidante:

 

Yeah, that’s tampering with a witness. Suffice to say, House Leader Nancy Pelosi was not impressed.

 

You know what happens when you poke Mama Bear? She threatens to set the House Ethics Committee on you. So, Gaetz handled the situation like a real tough guy and posted a tweet he has yet to delete…an apology to Pelosi.

2. Office of Refugee Resettlement (ORR)

Now it’s time to discuss a Human Right’s violation just one step below the financial woes of Laura Loomer. We’re talking about the sexual abuse of migrant youth. The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) released a report on sexual abuse cases against minors in U.S. custody. Alarmingly, there’ve been over 4,500 cases filed since 2014.

The Trump rhetoric is that monsters are trying to come into our country. Yet, it seems the monsters are already here. Congress had an opportunity to respond, where Matt Gaetz (yes, that same Matt Gaetz) chimed in, “are people more likely going to be sexually abused on their way to our country by the cartel” than the would be by every U.S. government official “if every allegation were true?”

After this thought-provoking question, the ORR rep actually became the voice of reason in the room. Jonathon White, Manager of Unaccompanied Minors, dryly stated: “We don’t set ourselves the standard of just doing better than smugglers and traffickers.” Come to think of it, should we just set a This Week in Crazy record and give Matt Gaetz two rankings?

1. Mark Meadows

North Carolina Rep. Mark Meadows deployed a little racism to prove that Donald Trump isn’t racist. Counteracting the claims of Michael Cohen, Meadows called upon Lynne Patton. Patton was a former event planner for the Trump family and is now a regional administrator for the Department of Housing and Urban Development. Oh, and she’s black!

Almost as if on auction, Patton stood stoically behind Meadows as he deployed the classic “I have a black friend” defense. He spoke up for Patton, who as a non-witness could not speak for herself: “She says that as a daughter of a man born in Birmingham, Alabama, that there is no way she would work for an individual who was racist.”

Yes, it’s clear the President takes HUD bigly serious:

 

Well, there you have it! Another clear-cut case of non-racism and another seven days until another Week In Crazy!

This Week In Crazy: Ilhan Omar, Steve King, Climate Denial, And Much More

Park Rangers start a green-spiracy, suicide bombers are in the government, and Steve King leads a community circle jerk–er, prayer. It’s This Week in Crazy!

5. National Park Service
The continuously defunded government department went above and beyond to silence environmental scientist Dr. Maria Caffrey. Dr. Caffrey worked tirelessly on a report outlining the sea levels rising (SLR) in national parks. You know, keeping an eye out for the sole reason this department was founded?

Like any sensible person, Dr. Caffrey stated numerous times that SLR increases were due to human-caused climate change. True guardians of the globe, the National Park Service bullied Dr. Caffrey to redact all such statements. They even went so far as threatening to remove her name from the paper — but she stood her ground.

Unbeknownst to Dr. Caffrey, the National Park Service quietly released the report…just in time for Christmas break!

Despite her stance, the NPS promised Dr. Cafrrey job security. Yet, when her contract expired the department told her there was no funding for another project. The scientist was let go, forced to take another job at one-third her original pay. The case with Dr. Caffrey is one of 194 known attempts to remove mentions of human-made climate change from government reports. Welcome to 1984.

4. Chris McDonald
Old McDonald better head back to his farm because the right-wing commentator sounds crazy as a loon. The host of MC Files (No relation to Hammer), went on a racist rampage over the white right’s latest obsession: Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN).

White Evangelicals are on a witch hunt for the newly elected Muslim representative of Minnesota’s 5th District. As McDonald eloquently put it, “It would not be surprising to me if this lady don’t strap on a bomb and do something dastardly, that’s how radical she is.” Anyone else feel uncomfortable with the whole strap-on reference?

The host finished up, showing his true prejudices. “That’s what they do … That’s what their religion does, and yet we’re sitting here, letting her make laws and have a voice in Congress.” Yeah, about that whole crazy democracy and separation of church and state thing…

3. Louise Mensch
Louise Mensch, whose resume boasts British Blogger, Conservative Member of the British Parliament, and “chick-lit” author, tried her hand as a Tweet-Out comedian.

The Career Girls author responded to Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign announcement with a tweet and delete:

That joke fell as flat as the Twin Towers. Yeah…doesn’t feel right, Louise. Maybe I should try my hand in chick-lit instead.

2. Steve King
Speaking of hands, Rep. Steve King (R-IA) stuck his out for support from his local Iowa community. The racist Congressman went back to his roots…and no, not the VHS copy of his favorite movie. He visited the  Forster Community Center and asked the elderly to pray he gets his job back.

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy removed King from his committee assignments when numerous videos depicting the Iowa politician as a racist continued to surface. In hopes of appealing to those who helped make him into the madman he is today, King pleaded with the Forster Community Center audience.

King told those in attendance they need to pray that McCarthy will “separate his ego from this issue and look at it objectively.” Sure, God will get to it…once He’s done curing cancer and breaking up Ariana Grande’s relationships.

1. William Happer
The war on climate just keeps heating up. In the wake of President Trump declaring an unnecessary “National Emergency” to build a border barrier, his administration is attempting to downplay the real threat of climate change. Trump is readying a panel headed by physicist William Happer to debunk global warming warnings.

Happer accused climate scientists of using fear rhetoric to declare a planetary crisis. The physicist stated that releasing data about the impact of carbon dioxide on the environment, “really differs little from the Nazi persecution of the Jews, the Soviet extermination of class enemies, or ISIL’s slaughter of infidels.”

If that wasn’t enough, Happer concluded that there was a War on Carbon going on. Phew, I’m glad we’ve diverted our attention because the War on Christmas was just going in circles. With that being said, can’t wait to see who else we’re at war with, in next week’s This Week in Crazy!

This Week In Crazy: The ‘Christian’ Right To Discriminate — And Much More

A Protestant Ministry holds South Carolina children for ransom, Matt Bevin turns Kentucky children into kidsicles, and an Alabama official channels his inner Joan Rivers. No, this isn’t a day at GOP Elder Daycare. It’s This Week in Crazy!

5. Reid Lehman
The Religious Right rejoiced as they pulled off a Hail Mary pass in their pursuit for discrimination. South Carolina lawmakers pushed for faith-based foster systems to have an exclusion from 45 CFR § 75.300.

According to that statute: “It is a public policy requirement of HHS that no person otherwise eligible will be excluded from participation in, denied the benefits of, or subjected to discrimination in the administration of HHS programs and services based on non-merit factors such as age, disability, sex, race, color, national origin, religion, gender identity, or sexual orientation.”

Evidently this policy offended the president of Miracle Hill Ministries, Reid Lehman. Miracle Hill runs a foster care system that is federally funded. The caveat? They only want to place children with Protestant parents.

Naturally, a Trump Administration official named Steven Wagner signed off on this unlawful and discriminatory request. Wagner agreed to a waiver that protected federal funding for Miracle Hill and Lehman’s right to hate.

Interestingly enough, the waiver states: “You specifically cite Miracle Hill, a faith-based organization that recruits 15 percent of the foster care families in the [South Carolina] Foster Care Program, and you state that, without the participation of such faith-based organizations, South Carolina would have difficulty continuing to place all children in need of foster care.”

Exploiting the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, Lehman convinced lawmakers that placing a child in the hands of a family with a different faith put the religious beliefs of his ministry in jeopardy. He effectively held needy kids up for ransom.

4. Matt Bevin
Baby, it’s cold outside…but not as cold as the heart of Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin. The country is hitting record lows, especially in the Midwest. So much so, the president is doing his tribal Global WAMING Dance:

You know who isn’t the mood for dancing? Matt Bevin. He’s tired of dealing with kids on snow days. So the governor is trying to bully Kentucky lawmakers to keep them in school.

With windchills set to hit 15 below zero, Kentucky considered following the lead of Minnesota and Illinois by closing schools. This triggered Father of the Year and Gov. Bevin.

Bevin exclaimed “[I]t does concern me a little bit that in America — on this and any number of other fronts — we’re sending messages to our young people that if life is hard, you can curl up in the fetal position somewhere in a warm place and just wait until it stops being hard.”

Well, that’s how the polar bears push through. That is, until Trump’s tribal Global WAMING Dance works…

3. John Bolton
Newest tactic by the Trump Administration? If they don’t want a wall, we’ll make them want a wall!  A Gallup News Poll finds that only 36 percent of Americans favor building a wall on the southern border. So how do we convince the sane population to want an insane project? By scaring them, of course.

According to GOP rhetoric, there are lots of “bad hombres” trying to get into America. Actually, the great majority are attempting to flee from crime, hunger, and violence. When oil prices dropped a few years ago, it ravaged the Venezuelan economy. Since 2015, three million migrants have fled Venezuela. Now, the Trump Administration is putting a crippling embargo on their only resource.

National Security Advisor John Bolton announced that America will slap Venezeula with “$7 billion in frozen assets and $11 billion in lost export proceeds.” Prior to Bolton’s announcement, Reuters projected that 2.3 million more people will flee Venezeula by the end of 2019. After his announcment, the country looked more like this:

via GIPHY

Conveniently enough, the embargo was placed just in time for the countdown to the next government shutdown to begin.

2. Jim Zeigler
Who knew that Alabama auditor Jim Zeigler was such a fashionista? Well, he taught the world a thing or two as he (as the Kweens say), “Read Kyrsten Sinema to filth.” Mr. GQ Himself dragged the freshman Arizona senator for her sense of style in a scathing Facebook post.

The Alabama official posted a picture of the congressperson with a caption: “What newly elected AZ Democrat Kyrsten Sinema wore to work.” Using the good ol’ post-and-delete-technique, Zeigler claimed that Sinema was “inappropriately attired.” Apparently, Zeigler is not a fan of boots with a dress.

Perhaps next time, Ms. Sinema should raid the auditor’s closet for these gems:

1. Tom Homan
Last is certainly not least crazy this week. Former ICE Director Tom Homan stopped by FOX & Friends to complain the Democrats using statistics to debunk Trump’s crazy insistence on a border wall. The former ICE Director’s answer? Do what he used to do. Listen to Trump.

Homan suggested that the Democrats should spend “less time trying to poke holes in what the president is saying and help the president secure the border.” He thinks they should watch real experts such as himself on channels like Fox News. As the Director-turned-TV-star stated, “You guys talk to experts. You talk to border patrol agents on the front line.”

And no Trump marionette show would be complete without a twinge of sexism. Homan further pleaded his case to become “America’s Next Top Toolbag” by calling Nancy Pelosi “disgusting.” Of course, the crowd cheered in approval, and Homan earned his pay for one more week. Perhaps next week, he’ll punch his ticket for a return to This Week in Crazy!

IMAGE: Matt Bevin (R-KY) speaks to a gathering at FreePAC Kentucky in Louisville, April 5, 2014. REUTERS/John Sommers II