Smart. Sharp. Funny. Fearless.

Monday, December 09, 2019 {{ new Date().getDay() }}

This Week In Crazy: Anti-Gay Chick-Fil-A, Criminal Sexting, And Stormy

Chick-Fil-A causes a dean to dropout, teen sexting leads to anal sex, and paying off a mistress proves your family values.  No, you’re not in Kansas, Dorothy. It’s This Week in Crazy!

5. Ronald Beaty, Jr.

This county commissioner from Cape Cod, Massachusetts is known for putting out some idiotic tweets. However, he took the cake last month when he tweeted out the following:

Beaty posted this tweet, reacting to two LGBTQ members being granted leadership roles in his legislature. Clearly, this Barnstable County resident forgot that Provincetown (a gay Mecca) is in his county. Or perhaps the homophobe knows all too well. So, what did this closeted bigot do when the media scrutiny hit? He pulled his Trump card. “I pretty much only do what President Donald Trump does relative to his social media postings. If it is good enough for our president, whom I support 100 percent, then it is good enough for me as well.” Hear that? Golden showers for Beaty on his next trip to P-Town!

4. Cynthia Newman

Okay, what’s in the chicken at Chick-Fil-A? Chick-Fil-A has a long-standing history of donating millions to companies that push religious agendas…including conversion therapy for homosexuals. And they’re using chicken lovers to bankroll the operation. In fact, now some of their devotees are even willing to commit career suicide. Currently, ten universities have decided against allowing the bigots who own Chick-Fil-A to open up shop on their campus. One of these colleges is Rider University’s College of Business. Their decision not to do business with Chick-Fil-A had Dean Cynthia Newman crowing, “What the cluck!” Ms. Newman  stepped down as dean over what she perceived as an attack on religion. The cock-a-doodle-dean stated, “I endeavor every day to do exactly what Chick-fil-A puts forward as its overarching corporate value: to glorify God.” Newman added a touch of unintentional comedy when she added that all her accomplishments are “God’s working in and through me.”

3. Turning Point USA

I’ve been to a white party, but this past week, Turning Point USA threw a white privilege party. Turning Point USA describes itself as a “youth organization that promotes the principles of fiscal responsibility, free markets, and limited government.” Naturally, they invited Donald Trump, Jr., some Proud Boys, conspiracy theorist Jack Burkman, and a bunch of other deplorables. The invite to this soiree included a dabbing astronaut and concluded with the Shakespearean-esque, “Dilly dilly.” Things got even more crunk with a drink list that captured the rapey vibe perfectly:

https://twitter.com/jaredlholt/status/1101279663765245952/photo/

Come to think of it, This Week in Crazy regular, Laura Loomer, was there too. Yikes, hope she didn’t have a Kavanaugh along with those red pills she was talking about.

2. Mike Rounds

If you love your spouse, you will not let them know you cheated on them…by any means necessary. That is the marks of a true man and a true president. At least, in the eyes of Senator Mike Rounds (R-SD). Rounds is making the media rounds (see what I did there). The conservative senator is defending President Trump for arranging hush money payoffs with Stormy Daniels while he was on the job.

Rounds has a point. Trump paid off Stormy because he loves his family. It’s the same reason why he slept with her in the first place, right? The South Dakotan senator hit the nail on the head when he concluded, “it has as much to do with trying not to have public discussions about something that is, for him, a private matter that he didn’t want to have discussed with his family.”

1. Brad Klippert

If you thought hickeys leading to sex was a problem, well, sexting is a gateway portal to anal. So says Washington State Rep. Brad Klippert. Washington’s legislature passed House Bill 1742, decriminalizing sexts between minors. This set Klippert off on a rant that would make a gaggle of sailors blush:

Under HB 1742, a minor in possession of explicit content sent from another minor will be charged with a misdemeanor rather than a felony. This bill passed on the grounds that the underage sender knowingly distributed the photo to the consenting minor.According to Klippert, HB 1742 also subjects minors to “oral to genital, anal-genital, oral-anal, whether between persons of the same or opposite sex, or between humans and animals.” He concluded with a stirring rendition of the definition of sodomy. Was it from a text he picked up during his dinner date with Ronald Beaty, Jr. at Chick-Fil-A? Hopefully, they’ll have a lot more to talk about after appearing in This Week in Crazy!

This Week In Crazy: Persecuted Racists, Vote Thieves, And Matt Gaetz (Twice!)

Trump supporters are violated, Matt Gaetz exposes himself as a peeping Tom. And being racist isn’t racism if you employ at least one black person. Don’t adjust your computer screens. It’s This Week in Crazy!

5. Laura Loomer

Being outed as racists can be really hard on the financial security of Trump supporters, as Laura Loomer can say from experience. With less charisma than a sloth on downers, she whined: “People like myself and Alex Jones and Milo Yiannopoulos and Gavin McInnes and so many others are being de-platformed simply because we support President Trump.”

The Loom went on to say that she and fellow Frat Packers “inspired so many young people and red-pilled so many people to vote for President Trump.” Whoa there, careful what kinda pills you’re poppin’ at those white privilege parties.

Clearly still pilled, Loomer suggested the FBI raid Robert Mueller at six in the morning. She ended on a poignant note: “I think that the way Trump supporters are being treated in this country constitutes human rights violations.” Well, they didn’t violate Article 13, which protects your freedom to move.

4. McCrae Dowless and Mark Harris

McCrae and Marky, gettin’ cray-cray in Carolina. Mr. Dowless is a longtime GOP operative whose most recent task was working on Mark Harris’ 2018 Republican Congressional campaign. Harris was projected to win North Carolina’s 9th Congressional District with 900 votes. But officials discovered that Dowless illegally collected thousands of absentee ballots.

On Wednesday, Dowless was indicted on seven counts related to election fraud: “three counts of felonious obstruction of justice, two counts of conspiracy to commit obstruction of justice, and two counts of possession of absentee ballot.”

North Carolina plans to run a second election to determine the real victor. Sadly for Harris, he lied about his knowledge of any wrongdoing by Dowless to the State Board. This mendacity disqualified Harris from contention. To save face, he claimed he wasn’t going to run again due to medical issues and problems with “memory and recall.” Now, if only he could forget hiring Dowless…

 

3. Matt Gaetz

Not to be outdone by the latest Kardashian clan cheating scandal, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R_FL) went all Real Housewives on Michael Cohen. Gaetz ran the old Tweet-and-Delete, calling out the former Trump confidante:

 

Yeah, that’s tampering with a witness. Suffice to say, House Leader Nancy Pelosi was not impressed.

 

You know what happens when you poke Mama Bear? She threatens to set the House Ethics Committee on you. So, Gaetz handled the situation like a real tough guy and posted a tweet he has yet to delete…an apology to Pelosi.

2. Office of Refugee Resettlement (ORR)

Now it’s time to discuss a Human Right’s violation just one step below the financial woes of Laura Loomer. We’re talking about the sexual abuse of migrant youth. The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) released a report on sexual abuse cases against minors in U.S. custody. Alarmingly, there’ve been over 4,500 cases filed since 2014.

The Trump rhetoric is that monsters are trying to come into our country. Yet, it seems the monsters are already here. Congress had an opportunity to respond, where Matt Gaetz (yes, that same Matt Gaetz) chimed in, “are people more likely going to be sexually abused on their way to our country by the cartel” than the would be by every U.S. government official “if every allegation were true?”

After this thought-provoking question, the ORR rep actually became the voice of reason in the room. Jonathon White, Manager of Unaccompanied Minors, dryly stated: “We don’t set ourselves the standard of just doing better than smugglers and traffickers.” Come to think of it, should we just set a This Week in Crazy record and give Matt Gaetz two rankings?

1. Mark Meadows

North Carolina Rep. Mark Meadows deployed a little racism to prove that Donald Trump isn’t racist. Counteracting the claims of Michael Cohen, Meadows called upon Lynne Patton. Patton was a former event planner for the Trump family and is now a regional administrator for the Department of Housing and Urban Development. Oh, and she’s black!

Almost as if on auction, Patton stood stoically behind Meadows as he deployed the classic “I have a black friend” defense. He spoke up for Patton, who as a non-witness could not speak for herself: “She says that as a daughter of a man born in Birmingham, Alabama, that there is no way she would work for an individual who was racist.”

Yes, it’s clear the President takes HUD bigly serious:

 

Well, there you have it! Another clear-cut case of non-racism and another seven days until another Week In Crazy!

This Week In Crazy: Ilhan Omar, Steve King, Climate Denial, And Much More

Park Rangers start a green-spiracy, suicide bombers are in the government, and Steve King leads a community circle jerk–er, prayer. It’s This Week in Crazy!

5. National Park Service
The continuously defunded government department went above and beyond to silence environmental scientist Dr. Maria Caffrey. Dr. Caffrey worked tirelessly on a report outlining the sea levels rising (SLR) in national parks. You know, keeping an eye out for the sole reason this department was founded?

Like any sensible person, Dr. Caffrey stated numerous times that SLR increases were due to human-caused climate change. True guardians of the globe, the National Park Service bullied Dr. Caffrey to redact all such statements. They even went so far as threatening to remove her name from the paper — but she stood her ground.

Unbeknownst to Dr. Caffrey, the National Park Service quietly released the report…just in time for Christmas break!

Despite her stance, the NPS promised Dr. Cafrrey job security. Yet, when her contract expired the department told her there was no funding for another project. The scientist was let go, forced to take another job at one-third her original pay. The case with Dr. Caffrey is one of 194 known attempts to remove mentions of human-made climate change from government reports. Welcome to 1984.

4. Chris McDonald
Old McDonald better head back to his farm because the right-wing commentator sounds crazy as a loon. The host of MC Files (No relation to Hammer), went on a racist rampage over the white right’s latest obsession: Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN).

White Evangelicals are on a witch hunt for the newly elected Muslim representative of Minnesota’s 5th District. As McDonald eloquently put it, “It would not be surprising to me if this lady don’t strap on a bomb and do something dastardly, that’s how radical she is.” Anyone else feel uncomfortable with the whole strap-on reference?

The host finished up, showing his true prejudices. “That’s what they do … That’s what their religion does, and yet we’re sitting here, letting her make laws and have a voice in Congress.” Yeah, about that whole crazy democracy and separation of church and state thing…

3. Louise Mensch
Louise Mensch, whose resume boasts British Blogger, Conservative Member of the British Parliament, and “chick-lit” author, tried her hand as a Tweet-Out comedian.

The Career Girls author responded to Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign announcement with a tweet and delete:

That joke fell as flat as the Twin Towers. Yeah…doesn’t feel right, Louise. Maybe I should try my hand in chick-lit instead.

2. Steve King
Speaking of hands, Rep. Steve King (R-IA) stuck his out for support from his local Iowa community. The racist Congressman went back to his roots…and no, not the VHS copy of his favorite movie. He visited the  Forster Community Center and asked the elderly to pray he gets his job back.

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy removed King from his committee assignments when numerous videos depicting the Iowa politician as a racist continued to surface. In hopes of appealing to those who helped make him into the madman he is today, King pleaded with the Forster Community Center audience.

King told those in attendance they need to pray that McCarthy will “separate his ego from this issue and look at it objectively.” Sure, God will get to it…once He’s done curing cancer and breaking up Ariana Grande’s relationships.

1. William Happer
The war on climate just keeps heating up. In the wake of President Trump declaring an unnecessary “National Emergency” to build a border barrier, his administration is attempting to downplay the real threat of climate change. Trump is readying a panel headed by physicist William Happer to debunk global warming warnings.

Happer accused climate scientists of using fear rhetoric to declare a planetary crisis. The physicist stated that releasing data about the impact of carbon dioxide on the environment, “really differs little from the Nazi persecution of the Jews, the Soviet extermination of class enemies, or ISIL’s slaughter of infidels.”

If that wasn’t enough, Happer concluded that there was a War on Carbon going on. Phew, I’m glad we’ve diverted our attention because the War on Christmas was just going in circles. With that being said, can’t wait to see who else we’re at war with, in next week’s This Week in Crazy!

This Week In Crazy: The ‘Christian’ Right To Discriminate — And Much More

A Protestant Ministry holds South Carolina children for ransom, Matt Bevin turns Kentucky children into kidsicles, and an Alabama official channels his inner Joan Rivers. No, this isn’t a day at GOP Elder Daycare. It’s This Week in Crazy!

5. Reid Lehman
The Religious Right rejoiced as they pulled off a Hail Mary pass in their pursuit for discrimination. South Carolina lawmakers pushed for faith-based foster systems to have an exclusion from 45 CFR § 75.300.

According to that statute: “It is a public policy requirement of HHS that no person otherwise eligible will be excluded from participation in, denied the benefits of, or subjected to discrimination in the administration of HHS programs and services based on non-merit factors such as age, disability, sex, race, color, national origin, religion, gender identity, or sexual orientation.”

Evidently this policy offended the president of Miracle Hill Ministries, Reid Lehman. Miracle Hill runs a foster care system that is federally funded. The caveat? They only want to place children with Protestant parents.

Naturally, a Trump Administration official named Steven Wagner signed off on this unlawful and discriminatory request. Wagner agreed to a waiver that protected federal funding for Miracle Hill and Lehman’s right to hate.

Interestingly enough, the waiver states: “You specifically cite Miracle Hill, a faith-based organization that recruits 15 percent of the foster care families in the [South Carolina] Foster Care Program, and you state that, without the participation of such faith-based organizations, South Carolina would have difficulty continuing to place all children in need of foster care.”

Exploiting the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, Lehman convinced lawmakers that placing a child in the hands of a family with a different faith put the religious beliefs of his ministry in jeopardy. He effectively held needy kids up for ransom.

4. Matt Bevin
Baby, it’s cold outside…but not as cold as the heart of Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin. The country is hitting record lows, especially in the Midwest. So much so, the president is doing his tribal Global WAMING Dance:

You know who isn’t the mood for dancing? Matt Bevin. He’s tired of dealing with kids on snow days. So the governor is trying to bully Kentucky lawmakers to keep them in school.

With windchills set to hit 15 below zero, Kentucky considered following the lead of Minnesota and Illinois by closing schools. This triggered Father of the Year and Gov. Bevin.

Bevin exclaimed “[I]t does concern me a little bit that in America — on this and any number of other fronts — we’re sending messages to our young people that if life is hard, you can curl up in the fetal position somewhere in a warm place and just wait until it stops being hard.”

Well, that’s how the polar bears push through. That is, until Trump’s tribal Global WAMING Dance works…

3. John Bolton
Newest tactic by the Trump Administration? If they don’t want a wall, we’ll make them want a wall!  A Gallup News Poll finds that only 36 percent of Americans favor building a wall on the southern border. So how do we convince the sane population to want an insane project? By scaring them, of course.

According to GOP rhetoric, there are lots of “bad hombres” trying to get into America. Actually, the great majority are attempting to flee from crime, hunger, and violence. When oil prices dropped a few years ago, it ravaged the Venezuelan economy. Since 2015, three million migrants have fled Venezuela. Now, the Trump Administration is putting a crippling embargo on their only resource.

National Security Advisor John Bolton announced that America will slap Venezeula with “$7 billion in frozen assets and $11 billion in lost export proceeds.” Prior to Bolton’s announcement, Reuters projected that 2.3 million more people will flee Venezeula by the end of 2019. After his announcment, the country looked more like this:

via GIPHY

Conveniently enough, the embargo was placed just in time for the countdown to the next government shutdown to begin.

2. Jim Zeigler
Who knew that Alabama auditor Jim Zeigler was such a fashionista? Well, he taught the world a thing or two as he (as the Kweens say), “Read Kyrsten Sinema to filth.” Mr. GQ Himself dragged the freshman Arizona senator for her sense of style in a scathing Facebook post.

The Alabama official posted a picture of the congressperson with a caption: “What newly elected AZ Democrat Kyrsten Sinema wore to work.” Using the good ol’ post-and-delete-technique, Zeigler claimed that Sinema was “inappropriately attired.” Apparently, Zeigler is not a fan of boots with a dress.

Perhaps next time, Ms. Sinema should raid the auditor’s closet for these gems:

1. Tom Homan
Last is certainly not least crazy this week. Former ICE Director Tom Homan stopped by FOX & Friends to complain the Democrats using statistics to debunk Trump’s crazy insistence on a border wall. The former ICE Director’s answer? Do what he used to do. Listen to Trump.

Homan suggested that the Democrats should spend “less time trying to poke holes in what the president is saying and help the president secure the border.” He thinks they should watch real experts such as himself on channels like Fox News. As the Director-turned-TV-star stated, “You guys talk to experts. You talk to border patrol agents on the front line.”

And no Trump marionette show would be complete without a twinge of sexism. Homan further pleaded his case to become “America’s Next Top Toolbag” by calling Nancy Pelosi “disgusting.” Of course, the crowd cheered in approval, and Homan earned his pay for one more week. Perhaps next week, he’ll punch his ticket for a return to This Week in Crazy!

IMAGE: Matt Bevin (R-KY) speaks to a gathering at FreePAC Kentucky in Louisville, April 5, 2014. REUTERS/John Sommers II

This Week In Crazy: White Nationalist Radio Hosts A Black Wing-Nut

Sharing private data is fine with a bro is from Ukraine, more mass shootings will make for better statistics on mass shootings, and the Defense Department ghosts citizens of America. No, this isn’t a Tinder date gone wrong. It’s This Week in Crazy!

5. Sen. James Lankford
Oklahomans are used to their share of tornadoes, but Sen. James Lankford (R-OK) is a real natural disaster. The Oklahoma Republican went on CNN to defend Paul Manafort’s bromance with former Russian agent Konstantin Kilimnik. The Okie thought it was okay to use the bestie defense.

So, it’s okay to share the private data of American voters with Ukrainians, but not Russians? Got it, Sen. Lankford. Except for the fact that the person Paul Manafort shared this vital info with is a product of Russian military intelligence training

4. The Defense Department
With the U.S. Department of Defense looking at a dwindling workload, let’s hope those in charge don’t end up as English teachers…at least until they learn the definition of the word transparency.

It is customary for the Pentagon to release weekly strike reports. However, in the latest Defense Strike Summary Report, the department stated the report will be posted bi-weekly going forward.

According to the memo: “The continued degradation of ISIS leads to decreased kinetic activities against the terrorist organization.” Apparently, it was becoming too much work for one person to tally 483 strikes in one week. So, they’ll need a full two weeks to get it right.

The Pentagon announcement comes on the heels of Trump sharing his intention to pull troops from Syria…while increasing the number of bombs dropped on the way out. Yet, the latest Defense Strike Reports insists, “Our intent is to reduce the number of reports while maintaining transparency.” Fewer reports and more bombs? That sounds like the very definition of transparent.

3. Jesse Lee Peterson
So a black right-wing commentator walks into a white nationalist radio studio…

Waiting for the punchline? That’s it! The facts write the joke. Conservative host Jesse Lee Peterson channeled his inner Rachel Dolezal and flipped the script on his race. He joined a podcast hosted by a white supremacist and without a burning cross in sight stated, “Unless white people take over, it’s over for America.”

Don’t believe it? Hear it for yourself:

Jesse Lee’s white-hot envy runs deep. Not only did he adopt the name Jessee Lee, but he tweeted the Trump Administration congratulations on looking good.

So how do we end up with more Trumps? Well, Peterson theorizes that more white people need to get together, go crazy, and “have a truckload of white children.” At least Jesse Lee knows the truck is prime mating territory for the white folk.

2. Stephanos Bibas
Donald Trump has appointed 85 Federal Judges since taking office. One of those pawns is Stephanos Bibas. Trump’s hired goon is already trying to roll back progress on gun control in New Jersey. The Third Circuit Judge vehemently fought other judges on limiting single firearm magazines to ten rounds.

Judges Joseph Greenaway and Patty Schwartz had already agreed the limitation was constitutional. No guns were being taken away and this was a swift answer to an increase in mass shootings. While Bibas agreed that five other appeals courts had upheld the ruling, he still felt this law violated constitutional rights.

Grown-ups, er, Judges Greenaway and Schwartz used data to explain mass shootings have jumped 160 percent in a decade. Like a big Bibas, Trump’s judge tooted the NRA mayday whistle:“They’re coming to get our guns!”

With whistle still in mouth, the new judge stated that the huge increase in mass shootings was a “causal link” to assault rifles. His closing argument? No action should be taken until studies can analyze a “statistically significant number” of mass shootings — because 426 in 2018 isn’t enough.

1. Russell Vought
In a world where a reality star can become president, of course, a blogger can head up the Office of Management and Budget (OMB). I guess I missed the Want-Ad, but congrats to Red State alum Russel Vought!

via GIPHY

With government spending causing the whole government to shut down, who better to look over whatever finances are left? The guy clearly has everything it takes to be an effective member of the Trump Administration. He even spouts the rhetoric.

Right. Yet Senate Democrats just proposed the Federal Employee Civil Relief Act Wednesday. New administration member, same old crazy. ‘Til next week!

This Week In Crazy: God Re-Elects Trump, Romneys And Netflix Implode

God keeps an eye out for Trump, Stratcom’s New Year’s tweet bombs, and the Romney Family Reunion implodes. This cast of characters put the ass in asylum. It’s This Week in Crazy!

5. Katt Kerr
Prophetess with the mostest Katt Kerr plans to grace Capitol Hill with her presence several times during 2019. Kerr, whose YouTube page says she’s “commissioned by God to see and share Heaven,” proclaimed the Lord will see Trump win the 2020 election. Really? Must be all those doorway anointings the White House ordered.

Kerr rambled on a Facebook post:

via GIPHY

Oops, sorry:

https://youtu.be/ZzzCc1Q5QXk

The Grease castoff urged, “If you’re not behind [Trump], get behind him and be on the winning side, on God’s team.” Or he’ll grab ‘em by the pussy. Amen, Pink Lady.

4. Netflix
This week Netflix is anything but chill…especially when it comes to their money. The streaming giant pulled a recent episode of Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj from their lineup, following blowback from the Saudi government

On the show, Minhaj spoke out about the murder of Washington journalist Jamal Khashoggi. The comedian stated, “This is the most unbelievable cover story since Blake Shelton won sexiest man alive.”

Obviously, the Crown Prince is a huge fan of Gwen Stefani’s man. Mohamed bin Salman took offense and called in a few favors. Before you know it, Netflix pulled the show.

Quite an interesting time for Netflix to reveal their moral compass. After all, Netflix carries The Interview — the flick that infamously provoked North Korea to threaten war. And since Netflix recently “acquired Seth Rogen”…

…It doesn’t seem Netflix will be dropping the controversial North Korea satire anytime soon.

3. Star Parker
This week, the Trump Administration made it harder for people to get food stamps. The GOP applauded the human suffering that resulted during a segment on Fox & Friends. But guest panelist Star Parker, who takes no pleasure in people going hungry, philanthropically offered the starving a solution: Stop watching porn and get a job!

According to Star Parker, if men stop workin’ it in the house, they’ll start getting to work outside the house. Therefore, they’ll no longer need SNAP assistance.

We hate to ruin your perverse fantasy but actually, Star, 60 percent of SNAP recipients are employed. Whether they watch porn isn’t really your problem. Or maybe it is…

2. Ronna McDaniel
In a Freaky Friday role reversal, Ronna McDaniel became the angry drunk uncle berating an innocent niece over the holiday season for speaking out against the President. In this scenario, McDaniel’s niece is Utah Senator-elect Mitt Romney.

Like any responsible adult, RNC Chair McDaniel took to Twitter to air her family grievances:

Yeah, the claws came out when McDaniel dissed her uncle as “Freshman Senator.” That stings almost as badly as “Failed Presidential Candidate,” and “Guy Who Had to Move to Utah to Get Elected Again.”

1. Stratcom

Times Square for New Year’s Eve is such a celebrated tradition each year. Bringing in millions of people means there’s always a heightened fear of a terrorist attack. Somehow the officers in charge of our nuclear weapons thought it’d be the perfect time to prey on that hysteria.

Stratcom rang in the New Year by dropping a tweet promoting their drone capabilities:

Not so long after posting this piece of war propaganda, the US Strategic Command pulled the video. Realizing their jokes were about as funny as Louis CK’s latest bit, Stratcom issued the following tweet:

Happy 2019, folks. It may be a New Year, but it’s just another week in crazy!

This Week In Crazy: Grandpa Steve King Is Upset Over Google’s iPhone

Grandpa King needs help with his phone, David Horowitz proves he’s not racist..by being racist, and Russia’s coming for your guns! This can only mean one thing. It’s This Week in Crazy!

5. David Horowitz

In a world full of crooked politicians, David Horowitz lambasted Colorado Republican lawmakers: “You’re too damn nice.” This proclamation was in reference to the sweeping losses Rocky Mountain Republicans suffered in the midterm elections.

The right-wing activist warned Colorado’s GOP to defend their party when Democrats label them “racists, sexists, homophobes, Islamophobes, xenophobes, and Nazis.”

According to Horowitz, the word “liberal” doesn’t inflict enough damage as a rebuttal to those accusations. Said he, “What are Democrats liberal about except sex, drugs, spending other people’s money, coddling criminals, giving America’s mortal enemies like Iran the benefit of the doubt?”  Doesn’t sound racist, Islamophobic, or xenophobic at all…

4. Wells Griffith

Climate talks are heating up faster than the ice caps. Unable to stand the heat, Trump’s energy adviser tried to get out of the kitchen. After making a case for fossil fuels at the COP24 summit, Wells Griffith bustled through a sea of hostile media. Democracy Now attempted to get a word with Griffith, resulting in a slow-speed chase through the venue.

 

The Trump aide deployed various tactics to shake journalist Amy Goodman. He offered to give her his card, complained she was “harassing” him, and even tried losing her on a stairwell.

After ten minutes of ignoring, whining, and dodging, Griffith picked up the pace. Ever the Olympic athlete, he ascended two steps at a time, allowing room for a flunky to create distance between adviser and journalist. Courageous!

3. Elliott Broidy

Former Republican Party official Elliot Broidy, invested in land located in Angola. In an $8 million deal with the Angolan government, he agreed to start an oil business and build an Intelligence Center in the country.

Using his connections in the GOP, Broidy was able to secure two seats for Angolan officials at Donald Trump’s inauguration. While they were in Washington, Broidy coordinated a meeting for Angolan officials with prominent GOP Senators Tom Cotton (R-AR) and Ron Johnson (R-WI).

But the Angolan government didn’t hold up their end of the deal, only doling out $6 million to Broidy. Like any determined creditor, he then dispatched a series of harassing emails…and bribes.

Leaked emails from Broidy to Angolan officials name-dropped his meetings with Mike Pence. Another noted his plans to spend the weekend at Mar-A-Largo. Each ended with a variation of “Pay up, and you can be sipping fruity umbrella drinks in the pool with us.”  

2. Rick Wiles

Did you know that the left and Russia are actually working together? According to Rick Wiles they are, and they’re coming to get your guns! During his TruNews program, Rick Wiles spread some fake news.

 

After Russia got caught infiltrating the NRA, Wiles tried to make sense of the situation. The host hypothesized that Democrats and Russians are people “who hate conservatives, who hate gun-owners, who hate Christians, who hate everything the old America stood for.”

The impassioned host concluded his rant by saying both parties want “to bring about a collapse of our society and a civil war.” Yes, the party that campaigns for inclusion is working with a country that denies gay rights in order to start a Civil War over guns.

1. Steve King

And for Grandfather of the Year, the Award goes to…Rep. Steve King (R-IA). Hoping to protect his seven-year-old granddaughter from finding out how much of a bigot he is, Steve King hijacked last week’s Google Congressional Hearing. The Congressman asked Google  Sundar Pichai why negative articles about Rep. King pop up on his granddaughter’s iPhone while she plays games.

With a straight face, Pichai offered Grandpa King a polite reminder: “Congressman, iPhone is made by a different company.” Guess you’ll have to call Tech Support after all, Steve. Word of advice? Say fewer things that will garner unfavorable headlines. Oh, and make sure your granddaughter stays clear of the popups on your laptop!   

 

This Week In Crazy: Ross Douthat’s WASP Sting, Scott Walker’s Whining, And More

Janitors conjuring the powers of God, the end of democracy as we know it, and Trump lovers make love in the name of hate. No, this isn’t a night on the town with the Proud Boys. It’s This Week in Crazy!

5. Ross Douthat

The New York Times is usually President Trump’s favorite brand of toilet paper, but he may want to actually read Ross Douthat’s column before he wipes. The columnist claims that White Anglo Saxon Protestant (WASP) leaders are more successful than their “more meritocratic, diverse and secular successors.” Oh yeah, Douthat DID that.

Douthat’s buzzing about WASPs was inspired by the passing of the Episcopalian Caucasian superman, George H.W. Bush. Tripping down the memory lane of white privilege, Douthat credited WASPs for the success of blacks and Jews. He even went so far as to suggest that both Barack Obama and Mitt Romney “imitated WASP habits.” Ouch. 

4. Christy Edwards Lawton

Even haters need love. That’s what entrepreneur Christy Edwards Lawton thought when she saw a woman alone in a New York bar. A confused Lawton described that woman as “stunning,” and wondered, why are men respecting such a beautiful woman?

To see why no one was drooling over this beauty, Lawton asked, discovering to her delight that the woman is a Trump supporter. Apparently, that’s a turn-off to hipsters and men parading around the city’s Meat Packing District in glitter.

This experience got Christy Edwards Lawton thinking about the evening when Sarah Sanders was refused service in a Virginia restaurant.  

See, Virginia is for lovers so it all clicked for Lawton. The would-be matchmaker for decided to start a Tinder for Trump supporters. That’s right, now it’s easier for Trump lovers to come together and spread their…anger.

The name of her project, expected to launch next month, is “Righter.”  With a name like that, it couldn’t go wronger.

3. Scott Walker

In typical GOP fashion, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker is handling his midterm election defeat by Tony Evers like a true crybaby. With two months left in office, Walker rushed the appointment of 82 members to civil service jobs. The departing governor supported his decision by stating: “Members of the Legislature were elected not on a term that ended on Election Day —they were elected in a term that ends in January, just like my term ends in January.”

Of course, Walker derided exactly this logic when he defeated Jim Doyle in 2010. In fact, his press release about the subject still lives on his official website. By pushing his agenda through, new laws will limit in-person early-voting to two weeks. Also, Wisconsin Senate members can now find their own lawyers to pursue the state’s withdrawal from Obamacare. That means incoming Attorney General Josh Kaul, a Democrat, will have a hard time keeping Wisconsin in the health care program — depriving hundreds of thousands of families of coverage.

2. Dana Perino

Here’s a novel defense for the president: “It’s not obstruction of justice if we do it right in front of your eyes.” That’s the position now advocated by Dana Perino of Fox News, responding to those who consider the President’s tweet lauding Roger Stone as an obstruction of justice. After all, the “most powerful man in the world” is commenting about a federal investigation on a public forum.

“I mean can you actually obstruct justice if you’re not doing it in secret?” asked Perino innocently.

 

1. Georgian Banov

Now it’s time to call in the police van. President Trump asked “Prophet” Georgian Banov to bless each door in the White House. Like a great servant (of God that it is), religious musician and “healer” Banov worked hard, anointing every opening for over 11 hours.

Originally, Trump reached out to Washington prophet Bill Johnson and asked him, “Hey, you got some of that oil stuff?” That didn’t work out.) But Banov showed up, dressed as a janitor so he wouldn’t distract White House staffers. Evidently the presence of a strange man dressed in janitor clothes throwing oil at doorways left them unfazed.