This Week In Crazy: If You Drink Spoiled Milk, There Will Be Death Panels
Death Panels await those who don’t throw out their food on time! The “suffragents” are losing the war against women! Rejoice — for the Apocalypse is nigh! Welcome to “This Week In Crazy,” The National Memo’s weekly update on the wildest attacks, conspiracy theories, and other loony behavior from the increasingly unhinged right wing.
5. Peter Lloyd
Fox News’ hand-wringing over the erosion of marriage continues. If it isn’t “The Gays” destroying the institution, apparently it’s the feminists, who have contorted it into a demoniacal scheme to filch funds from emasculated grooms.
Fox & Friends ran a segment Tuesday to discuss why people are getting married less. Enter Peter Lloyd, self-proclaimed “suffragent” and author of Stand By Your Manhood: A Gamechanger for ModernMen, a how-to for embattled males to negotiate this world of predatory women. “I feel pretty safe,” Lloyd says, referring to the Atlantic Ocean buffering him from any stateside hostilities, and perhaps also to the fact that he was speaking on a news network that generally welcomessuch views.
Marriage is the “Fraud of the Rings,” according to Lloyd. “It’s a legally binding contract,” he says, “and it serves men not at all. … Men need to be wise to it and avoid it at costs.”
Feminism? “It’s done some wonderful things.” but it has also “prioritized the safety of women over men even though we are all supposed to be equal.”
Fox has the video:
Image above: Jason Howell via Flickr
4. Michele Bachmann
The End is Nigh! “This is coming faster than anyone can see,” said former Rep. Michele Bachmann last Saturday on a podcast for Minnesota-based Olive Tree Ministries. Bachmann confessed that her experiences on the House Intelligence Committee gave her some insight into just how near we are to Armageddon. “We are literally watching month by month” the progress of our world’s little ramble into oblivion.
It seems the Last Days are imminent because the country has abandoned the Biblical principles upon which it was founded, and adopted a “pagan view.” The Founding Fathers, Bachmann says, “wanted the U.S. to be honoring to God” and that the nation was “built on Biblical principles — not perfect by any stretch — we can’t be in a fallen world.” (Slavery, which Bachmann neglects to mention, probably didn’t help.)
But on the other hand, we should “not despair, but rejoice that we get to be living in the most exciting time in history! Jesus Christ is coming back. We, in our lifetimes, potentially could see Jesus Christ returning to Earth. […] Our redemption draw-eth nigh.” And so on and so forth, flecks of rapturous spittle grazing the mic.
So on behalf of all Godless Americans accelerating you to your rendezvous with Christ, congresswoman, I say: You’re welcome.
Right Wing Watch has the audio:
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3. Tony Perkins and “Ricky”
Washington Watch, the daily radio program produced by noted hate group Family Research Council, is a particular favorite of ours. It’s a magical place where deranged bigots actually get some competition, as a cavalcade of call-in cranks compete to out-crazy the host. The show’s host and also the president of the FRC, Tony Perkins, fielded just such a call on his Wednesday show.
“Ricky” explained that the second greatest thing a Christian can do is save someone else’s soul. (The best thing is, naturally, to take care of thyself first — like an oxygen mask on an airplane, I guess.) What this means in practice is, if a Christian is invited to a same-sex wedding, it is incumbent upon him to tell the couple, loudly and publicly: “According to the Bible — sodomy — you will burn in hell for this!” He clarified that “Jesus is love,” but “to attend a sodomite wedding and not say nuthin’, you givin’ them approval!”
Perkins doubted that Christians will get any invitations. All the same, he told Ricky: “You bring up a good point.”
Right Wing Watch has the audio:
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This post has been updated.
2. Allen West
While giving a speech to the conservative group East Texans For Liberty last week, former Florida congressman Allen West reached high-density Americana when he welded Big Gubmint, God, and America’s favorite pastime that doesn’t involve eating something or shooting someone. West told the assembled crowd that we can thank the lack of prayer for the increased incidence of injuries in college and high school football.
West is the current head of the National Center for Policy Analysis, a right-wing think tank that gets its kicks (and funding) by attempting to debunk climate change and whatever else the Kochs tell them to do. So cheerleading for more prayer in school locker rooms is a relatively small issue, granted. Still the selection bias on display here ought to give one pause should the man choose speak on any subject.
“I don’t remember catastrophic injuries,” he said, recalling a earlier, halcyon era when football coaches were allowed to pray without intervention from the Freedom From Religion foundation, enforcing that whole pesky churchy-statey-thingy. “I don’t remember anyone getting carted off that field paralyzed. See, there’s something about the power of prayer. There’s something about that freedom of religion, there’s something about the Founding Fathers who prayed over this nation…” West presumably went on to thank Coca-Cola, guns, and apple pie for the vital role they play in keeping our boys on the field safe.
Video courtesy of Right Wing Watch:
1. Rush Limbaugh
“You want to know how bad it is economically?” Limbaugh hisses. It’s so bad the USDA is asking Americans to eat garbage.
Well, okay, the Department of Agriculture did recently announce that 21 percent of available food in this country is thrown out unnecessarily. Expiration dates apparently don’t give a good sense of a food’s shelf life — in fact, it may be healthy for up to 18 months past its date. So the Department is rolling out a new app to help consumers make informed decisions about the safety and quality of their older food — part of their larger campaign to fight food waste.
“Wait folks. What’s next? There’s always a ‘What’s next'” And with Rush, there always is. Here unfolds one of Rush’s extended arias raging against the slippery slope that takes us from Michelle Obama’s healthy lunches all the way to a totalitarian state, as the Regime slips its fascist tentacles into every aspect of our lives, telling us what to eat, what to drink, how to shower, how to breathe!
“Eating old and tasteless food will become a sign of loyalty to the Regime! A sign of maybe even patriotism! They’re gonna ration health care and they’re gonna ration medicine! They’re gonna use the expiration date! And there are gonna be death panels.”
Don’t worry, Rush. No matter how hard the Regime tries, the amount of garbage that goes into your mouth will never top what comes out of it.
Audio via Media Matters: