"The Exit Interview": A One-Act Play
Donald Trump and Jason Miller, his aide, meet in Trump's office at the Trump National Bedminster Golf Club in New Jersey.
TRUMP: Time for the Presidential Daily Brief. Weisselberg show up for work today?
JASON MILLER: Clockwork. Hasn't miss a day. Blue Mercedes, pulled into his spot, Trump Tower private garage. He's at his desk.
TRUMP: And the fake media said I should have had a pet dog. Pence turned on me. He's no Allen Weisselberg. Send someone to wash his car. A nice surprise. He's so grateful for every little thing—the school tuitions, the car, he'll appreciate the car wash.
MILLER: Weisselberg is never late either. Drives himself from Long Island. He's an on-time airline. The daughter-in-law turned. The ex. Bad divorce. Gave Vance a pile of boxes. But Weisselberg is there every morning.
TRUMP: She's out to screw Allen and both sons. Wants her pound of flesh. You could make millions as a bad divorce consultant, Jason.
MILLER: The new social media company I'm setting up will be your new platform.
TRUMP: We'll work on the name. "Make America Something." Fill in the blank for "something." We'll think of it. We got rid of "From the Desk of Donald J. Trump." "Desk" sounded like something from Ikea. Stay tuned. You're the magician. So, here's the question. How do you get away with $500 a month child support? It's magic.
MILLER: Five hundred bucks. That's right.
TRUMP: Let me get this straight on how you did it. It's the night before my last debate in Vegas with Crooked Hillary. I win, of course. You go to a strip club with some reporters and some campaign aide. You knock her up. Your wife is pregnant.
MILLER: I was separated at the time.
TRUMP: I like the talking point. You learn the other woman is pregnant. Two weeks later your wife gives birth. Then the other woman has a baby. Then I read in "Page Six" of the New York Post that you and your wife are quote "excited to welcome" unquote the other woman's baby quote "into our family" unquote. You place the story. "Page Six," my old stomping grounds when I was John Barron. Class act. Then the other woman says it's all "news to me." Do I have this right? She didn't know there'd be a story. And she went to Harvard!
MILLER: Right. Harvard.
TRUMP: And she tweets—I love the tweeting part!—that you didn't send one dollar or even a gift. Smart strategy. But Tucker Carlson sends a gift. The other woman tweets the gift was "very cool." You know what it was?
MILLER: Maybe a signed copy of his book, Ship of Fools.
TRUMP: Should have been The Art of the Deal. The plot thickens. She strikes back. They always do. Some website publishes that you got some stripper pregnant and drugged her and gave her an abortion pill to wash down with a smoothie. And, just like that, no more little Jason, Jr., and the woman almost goes into a coma, no doubt she's faking it.
MILLER: No doubt.
TRUMP: And you sue the website for $100 million. A nice round number. But the judge says it's a quote "fair and true report" unquote. He dismisses your suit. Totally rigged.
TRUMP: And you appeal. Good move. Then Teneo, that corporate consulting outfit where you worked, fires you for supposedly hiding income to avoid child support.
MILLER: It was mutual consent. They signed me to a consultant contract. Optics.
TRUMP: This is what I'm getting at, you're terrific as a consultant. And CNN fires you as a commentator. Just an excuse. They don't want anyone to defend me.
MILLER: You got that right.
TRUMP: And the other woman drags you for a deposition and they ask about hookers and rub and tug parlors. And you testify they were "Asian themed." And you say, quote, "I know I am an imperfect person and have made a number of mistakes in my life" unquote. Perfect. All purpose. But you lose the appeal. And the court orders you to pay the fake media company $42,000 in expenses. And you threaten some moron blogger who reports that. And that phony Jake Tapper tweets—he tweets!—and I can't even tweet!—and he tweets that you don't pay your child support. And you tweet that he's a quote "fake news pussy" unquote. Love that, but you had me at hello. What kind of smoothie was it?
TRUMP: And you hid payments to your consultant firm and another consultant firm you worked for. Am I keeping track of all this?
MILLER: There was also a group Steve Bannon operated, a nonprofit called Citizens for the American Republic.
TRUMP: Like the name. Make America A Republic Again? What do you think? Nah. We'll come up with something else. And you're still only paying $500 a month. You're a genius. There should be a statue of you in my National Garden of American Heroes. That phony Biden revoked it. Would have been as big as Disney World.
MILLER: Founding Fathers, Dr. Seuss, Whittaker Chambers, Bob Hope, Tecumseh, Alex Trebek, Davy Crockett, John Wayne…
TRUMP: Wayne played Crockett at the Alamo. Now they want to cancel the Alamo.
MILLER: Shirley Temple, Paul Revere, Nat King Cole, Julia Child, Humphrey Bogart, Sacagawea…
TRUMP: And Jason Miller.
MILLER: It's an honor just to serve.
TRUMP: Jason, let's bring in your replacement again. A little twirl. She was the host of The War Room, a podcast for Steve Bannon. Should I have given him the pardon? Not grateful enough.
MILLER: Mr. President, I hosted that podcast first, brought her in to replace me there.
TRUMP: She's always replacing you. Your apprentice.
(Enter Liz Harrington, a young blonde woman)
MILLER: Mr. President, Liz Harrington. Liz, tell the president the title of your best article when you wrote for the Washington Free Beacon.
HARRINGTON: "Libs: Sex Change at 9, Vote at 16, No Smoking Until 21." That's intersectionality.
TRUMP: Jason told you there's no smoking here?
HARRINGTON: I don't smoke, Mr. President.
TRUMP: Intersectionality and no smoking, I like that. Liz, who stole the election?
MILLER: (To Trump) Mr. President, see, what did I tell you?
TRUMP: Who won?
HARRINGTON: You did, in a landslide.
TRUMP: How big?
TRUMP: Also correct. Philadelphia?
HARRINGTON: Stuffed ballots.
HARRINGTON: Stuffed ballots.
TRUMP: Right and right.
HARRINGTON: And underage voters.
TRUMP: Even better. Who's guilty?
HARRINGTON: The real insurrection was the election officials.
TRUMP: She's brilliant.
HARRINGTON: Systemic fraud.
TRUMP: Systemic! Why didn't you think of that, Jason? Intersectionality and systemic. No smoking.
HARRINGTON: I don't smoke, Mr. President.
TRUMP: I'd avoid the smoothies, too. Jason, tell Liz how many books are going to be published about me.
TRUMP: They all got an exclusive. Whatever I say is an exclusive. Doesn't matter what they say, positive, negative. This is a case of all publicity is good publicity. They're all working for me. That's the scoop they won't print. You'll keep it going, Liz. If you're lucky Tucker will send you a very cool gift.
HARRINGTON: I'll get him on the line for you, Mr. President.
TRUMP: A little later. Tomorrow we'll work on the plans for the reinstatement in August.
HARRINGTON: I can't wait for the Arizona audit to show you won.
TRUMP: Just the start.
TRUMP: One more thing, Jason, check to see if Weisselberg came back to the office after his coffee break.
Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His AngelandAll the Powers of Earth. His play This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks. This is the eighth in his "Trump Cycle" series of one-act plays published in The National Memo, including The Pardon, Epstein's Ghost, Ivanka's Choice, Sunset Boulevard, The Exclusive, The Role Model, and A Modest Proposal.
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