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Poll: Nearly One-Third Of Republicans Believe Trump Will Be ‘Reinstated’

Reprinted with permission from Daily Kos

I'll never understand why anyone listens to Donald Trump on any subject. He wanted to nuke hurricanes. He wanted to put alligator-filled moats along the southern border. He thinks windmills cause cancer, asbestos is swell, and exercise is bad for you. He seriously suggested pumping our bodies full of UV light and disinfectant. He thinks we have planes that are literally invisible, for God's sake!

Nevertheless, millions of Trump fans have bent their brains into pretzels trying to make his doofus proclamations sound presidential—or even marginally nonsimian (see also: hydroxychloroquine).

We've pretty well established that Trump's brain is, at best, masticated circus peanut and, at worst, Lucifer's molten boom-booms, and yet when he dry-heaves utter batshit nonsense, plenty of his fans seem all too ready to lick it up like feral purse poodles.

Case in point: Fully 29 percent of Republicans think Donald Trump is returning before the year is out—possibly riding in on a cloud or a flaming chariot or (more likely) a golf cart with a cupholder and custom-installed deep fryer.

A new Politico/Morning Consult poll asked survey respondents this straightforward question: "How likely do you think it is that former President Donald Trump will be reinstated as U.S. President this year, if at all?" The question was no doubt included in the poll because Trump himself has been telling insiders that he thinks he'll be back in office by August. (Narrator: He won't.)

The results? (You still have time to bail if you've had your yearly quota of frothing insanity. You're still here? Okay, gird your loins.)

Among Republicans surveyed, 17 percent think it's "very likely" that Trump will return to the White House this year, 12 percent think it's "somewhat likely," and ten percent don't know or have no opinion. Taken together, this shows that two-fifths of Republicans have not yet accepted that Joe Biden won the presidency.

Of course, that wasn't the only eye-opening result. Asked whether things are going in the right direction in the U.S. or on the wrong track, only 15 percent of Republicans thought things were going in a positive direction, while 85 percent said we're veering off course. Guess 85 percent of Republicans prefer raging pandemics and collapsing economies to Democratic presidents.

Is this what it's like to lick hallucinogenic toads for breakfast in lieu of frosted Pop-Tarts? At some point, do you just surrender to the unreality of your environment?

Over at Civiqs, even more Republicans report they're worried; a stunning 93 percent of card-carrying GOPers think we're all gonna die.

If you enjoy watching Donald Trump eat the Republican Party from within, like a genetically modified tropical eyeball worm, you'll be happy to know that the Politico/Morning Consult poll found that 80 percent of Republicans want to stick around so they can see him play either a major role (59 percent) or a minor role (21 percent) in the party going forward. If you'd prefer he stay in Florida chucking oyster shells at flamingos from his balcony, you'll likely be disappointed by the 13 percent of Republicans who want him to slink away.

There's also some good news, of course. President Biden's approval rating is at 53 percent among all registered voters, with 28 percent of respondents "strongly" approving of the job he's doing, 25 percent "somewhat" approving, 43 percent disapproving, and the rest offering no opinion.

Meanwhile, 66 percent of registered voters want Congress to pass an infrastructure bill—so maybe we should get that done, huh?

There's still some sanity left in the world, so long as you look in the right place. And that right place is clearly nowhere in the vicinity of the right wing. I invite Republicans to hurry on back to planet Earth. The water's fine. At least it is for now—unfortunately, only 12 percent of Republicans consider passing a bill to address climate change a "top priority."

Go figure.

Greene Demands Biden Respond On Wuhan Lab Questions…By June 31!

Reprinted with permission from Daily Kos

A couple of days ago, alleged congressperson Marjorie Taylor Greene sent a letter to Joe Biden. I read it; you don't have to. Unless you read at a third grade level or worse, it might be hard for you to follow. It essentially boils down to "Wuhan lab … Chinese-made virus … fire Fauci or we'll impeach him … but his EMAILS, derpity-derpity-derp."

After reading the letter, which feels a little like getting virtually peed on by one of Peter Jackson's more egregious CGI orcs, it's hard not to notice this line jumping out at you: "We urge your administration to act to provide us with these answers by June 31, 2021."

Yup. Much like Jewish space lasers and a hearty portion of Marjorie Taylor Greene's prefrontal lobe, that date simply does not exist.

I used to have trouble remembering how many days are in each month—until I was 8 years old, that is, and my uncle taught me this poem:

30 days has September, April, June, and November

The rest have 31, except poor February, which has 28

And on leap year it has 29!

I've never forgotten that poem, and even if I had, there are always calendars. In fact, they installed a Google calendar update in the latest vaccine chip. Didn't you get the vaccine, Marge? Come on!

Maybe someone can help MTG out with this. And maybe they can write "L" and "R" on her shoes while they're at it. And somehow get her to stop eating glue.

Also, how fucking weird is it that an entire major U.S. political party has attempted to turn the world's leading infectious disease expert into a cartoon villain? "It's Science Man, Commissioner Gordon, and he wants us all to avoid easily preventable deaths! There's no time to lose!"

Oh, well. President Biden didn't really need another reason not to respond to this tripe, but now he's got an easy excuse. MTG's request is literally impossible.

But then, hey, so is starting fires with Jewish space lasers. Everyone knows all the best space lasers are made in China.

Proud Boys Defendant Blasts Trump: ‘You Left Us On The Battlefield Bloody And Alone’

Reprinted with permission from Daily Kos

Pat yourself on the back if you sized Donald Trump up in two minutes, like a normal person. You could have instead been Ethan Nordean, who wasted years of his life and squandered his precious freedom for a guy who'd likely feed him to alligators—or a marginally more reptilian creature such as Roger Stone—if he ever showed up at one of his golf courses.

Nordean is a "sergeant-at-arms" (FYI: All of these military titles are pretend) of the Proud Boys Seattle chapter, and he's had it with his supreme golden clod. Nordean has been charged with conspiracy, obstruction of an official proceeding, and aiding and abetting in connection with his alleged assault on the Capitol on January 6, and he's none too happy with his Amazing Disappearing Messiah.

Take a look, and try not to laugh too hard:

For the non-tweeters:

"Alright I'm gonna say it. FUCK TRUMP! Fuck him more than Biden. I've followed this guy for 4 years and given everything and lost it all. Yes he woke us up, but he led us to believe some great justice was upon us...and it never happened, now I've got some of my good friends and myself facing jail time cuz we followed this guys [sic] lead and never questioned it. We are now and always have been on our own. So glad he was able to pardon a bunch of degenerates as his last move and shit on us on the way out. Fuck you trump you left us on [t]he battle field bloody and alone."

Ouch.

But wait! I thought Trump was going to join the insurrectionists at the Capitol building on January. 6. That's what he said, anyway. And as every true Proud Boy knows, Donald Trump is always true to his word.

Of course, as Nordean suggests, Trump could have pardoned Nordean and his confederates, and he probably would have if there had been anything in it for him—like if Nordean had a relative who worked at KFC and could slip him a few bonus pieces of Extra Crispy in his buckets. But, alas. This is just some fool who sacrificed everything important in his life for what he saw as a righteous cause. Trump hates suckers like that.

From USA Today:

Prosecutors say Nordean, along with other Proud Boys members, planned to push through police barricades and force themselves inside the building that day.
[...]
In a court filing Thursday, prosecutors detailed communications sent through the instant messaging app Telegram that they say show additional evidence that Nordean and other Proud Boys members conspired to breach the Capitol. Prosecutors included the anti-Trump diatribe in which Nordean seemed to acknowledge he and others are facing criminal charges because they followed Trump's lead.

OK, get this through your cartilaginous skulls, Trumpers: Donald Trump doesn't care about you. He never did. Do you still check your bank account every 30 minutes to see if the Nigerian prince has deposited your money? It's over, y'all. You've been scammed, and that's all there is to it.

This does give me some hope, though. Trump lost the 2020 election by seven million votes, and it doesn't look like he's picked up a single voter since then. On the other hand, people like Nordean are slowly waking up.

Let's hope they're all out of their comas by the 2022 midterms, at least.


MyPillow Guy's 'Free Speech' Website Is A Hilarious, Disastrous Dumpster Fire

Reprinted with permission from DailyKos

I can't stop watching the MyPillow Guy, Mike Lindell, and his "Frank-a-thon" to launch his stupid new Arby's dumpster of a website. The guy has been jabbering for the better part of two days. This morning, I tuned in to see him interviewing someone, but I never got the dude's name because Lindell wouldn't let him get a word in. Lindell won't stop talking. It's a case of logorrhea the likes of which I've never seen before. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's on 100 CCs of Jesus and not overstuffed Hefty bags full of cocaine cut with meth. But, damn, he's a dynamo of disinformation.

While I was watching, Lindell claimed he'd gotten confirmation from Jimmy Kimmel Live! that he will be a guest on the show. Kimmel, who appears to be even more obsessed with Albino Grimace than I am, has previously joked that he'd interview Lindell under two conditions:

"Number one, he has to actually come into our studio—I need to see him in person. I want to smell the knackwurst in his mustache. And number two, I would like to conduct our interview in a bed, surrounded by pillows. Just me and Mike snuggled up side by side in a California king surrounded by sacks of goose feathers."

Judging by Mike's reaction, he almost certainly thinks he's about to break this whole election fraud thing wide open on late-night TV while nuzzling a guy who can't stop making fun of him. Speaking of Lindell's gullibility, the guy who called in to Lindell's show on Monday pretending to be Donald Trump spoke with the Daily Beast, and revealed his diabolical methods.

Actually, he was responsible for multiple prank calls to Lindell's show.

The prankster, Ron Blackman, is apparently an old hand at this. He has a podcast called The Macron Show, and he typically uses "social engineering and caller-ID spoofing" in order to soften up a target and make them more susceptible to skullduggery.

According to Blackman, Frank Speech and Lindell were easy marks.

Blackman prepared for pranking the MyPillow boss for weeks, he said, and the initial plan was to register a bunch of new user names on Frank Speech and use them to mock the pro-Trump pillow salesman during his 48-hour kickoff event, titled "Frank-a-thon." Despite the hotly anticipated launch, the site struggled right off the bat on Monday, with many users unable to log on and set up their profiles.
Not only was Lindell easy to dupe, Blackman said, but the prank calls were made especially easier thanks to the MyPillow CEO's co-host Brannon Howse, a fellow election conspiracist and right-wing talker.
"That dude is dumber than a bag of rocks," Blackman said of Howse. "He's the reason I got to Lindell so easily yesterday."

Blackman says he got Howse's personal cellphone number off his public Facebook page, which made it kind of easy to call in to the show. Blackman first got on-air by pretending to be a Wall Street Journal reporter. "I just told her [the assistant] to give me Mike's number, and she did it without thinking," Blackman told the Daily Beast. "And it proves 100% that he didn't even have a plan for his big live stream. He was totally winging it. Sitting there with his iPhone on his desk praying that someone good would call in to support him."

As for the Trump call, Blackman says he spoofed a number from Mar-a-Lago. "I knew for certain that I'd have about one second to say what I wanted before Lindell panicked and hung up. I used a soundboard of Donald Trump saying 'Hello everyone' to reel him in and then I yelled out my website name, so that at least everyone hearing it would know where to find me, so that we got to hijack all his effort and time and use it to promote a prank call show instead of his website."

And here's Blackman's handiwork:


Kimmel also had some (more) fun at Lindell and Frank's expense Tuesday night.


Meanwhile—and pardon me if this is burying the lede—nothing on Frankspeech.com appears to work at the time of this writing, other than the live feed from the baby monitor we're all using to make sure Lindell doesn't choke to death on a Lego.

Here's what the page looked like as of 10:15 AM PT, on April 21:


ScreenShot2021-04-21at10.14.52AM.png

Considering that Lindell had planned to launch his site on Monday to everyone and to VIPs last Thursday, that can only be seen as unfortunate. (For Lindell, that is. For democracy and comedy, it's a boon.)


Gee, it's almost as if this dude has no relevant experience whatsoever in television production or social media platform launches.

People who are dumb enough to believe Lindell but not quite dumb enough to believe that he meant to launch his big free speech site this way are, you know, complaining.



And for a while earlier Wednesday, the site was completely offline.

Because that's what you want to show people when you launch a new product that you've been hyping for weeks: a page claiming the site is undergoing "scheduled maintenance."

There's always FrankSocialMedia.com, courtesy of the folks over at The Good Liars.


Is it too much of a stretch to say I'm now more addicted to Mike Lindell than Mike Lindell was previously addicted to crack? Maybe not, but I should probably limit my exposure. I'm beginning to see that majestic gleaming mustache dancing in the wind whenever I close my eyes.

"This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry." — Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via Twitter. Need a thorough Trump cleanse? Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear F*cking Lunatic, Dear Pr*sident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links, yo!

WATCH: MyPillow Guy Visits Newsmax To Talk ‘Cancel Culture’ — And Gets His Lies Canceled

Reprinted with permission from Daily Kos

Looks like Mike Lindell is at the end of his bedsheet.

Newsmax—which not that long ago would have eagerly touted a conspiracy theory about a race of Jewish-funded reptilian overlords stealing the election from Donald Trump (assuming the network could have somehow dug up a stock photo of George Soros posing with an iguana)—is now apparently scared shitless about potentially being sued by Dominion Election Systems. As well it should be.

Yesterday the network invited MyPillow guy Mike Lindell on air to talk about cancel culture, but we didn't get to hear much of what he had to say about that because anchor Bob Sellers spent most of the segment loudly reading cover-your-ass disclaimers over Lindell's conspiratorial blather.

After Lindell claimed he had "100 percent proof" that the election was stolen by Dominion election machines, Sellers shut him down … but Lindell just kept talking.

It was HIIII-larious:

Watch:

After Sellers reads a detailed disclaimer noting that Newsmax has been unable to verify any of Lindell's claims about Dominion Voting Systems allegedly stealing the election, Lindell claims Twitter shut him down because he's "revealing all the evidence on Friday of all the election fraud with these machines."

At that point, Sellers begs his producers to "get out of here, please."

And then, because I hadn't laughed quite hard enough yet to literally piss myself, Sellers gets up and FUCKING LEAVES!

I'm thinking now might be a great time to start a new politics podcast, because I can almost guarantee you'd be able to book Mike Lindell. And I doubt there'd be any time limit. You could call it MyPodcast and make him your first guest—and then just sit back and watch the fireworks fizzle!

And as long as you have $1.3 billion burning a hole in your back pocket, well, it should all go swimmingly, now shouldn't it?


Video: Floyd’s Brother Describes Trump’s Flubbed ‘Condolence' Call

Reprinted with permission from Alternet

Since Donald Trump is about as soothing as a ghost pepper enema, this is no surprise. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't be outraged.

The Rev. Al Sharpton interviewed George Floyd's brother Philonise on MSNBC, and guess what? Trump flubbed his condolence call, coming off as neither empathetic nor particularly interested.

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Former Kushner Employee Pours Scorn On Jared’s Covid-19 Response

Reprinted with permission from Alternet.

Elizabeth Spiers, who now serves as chief executive of the Insurrection, a progressive digital messaging firm, once worked for Jared Kushner as editor-in-chief of the New York Observer, a newspaper Boy Kush purchased when he was a callow 25-year-old — much younger, though equally as naive and gormless, as the callow 39-year-old he is today.

Well, she just wrote a savage op-ed about Little Lord Fauntleroy's response to the coronavirus crisis, and it's well worth reading in full.

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