Smart. Sharp. Funny. Fearless.

Monday, December 09, 2019 {{ new Date().getDay() }}

Tag:

Late Night Roundup: The ‘Presidential Penis Measuring Contest’

The late night comics were aghast at the newest issue in the Republican primary campaign: Donald Trump’s insistence, in response to an accusation from Marco Rubio, that he really does have a large penis.

Stephen Colbert was in utter disbelief that the debate has reached this point: “We have officially reached a new low in political discourse — so let’s go to the chart. Okay, yes, we have sunk below Swift Boat, below secret Muslim, below John McCain’s illegitimate baby. And oh, we have shattered through the bottom of the chart — and it is burrowing through the Earth below the Ed Sullivan Theater; past the subway lines; it is now burrowing past Hillary Clinton’s secret email servers; it is burrowing past the Founding Fathers spinning in their graves; and all the way past the dinosaurs, to the center of the Earth. There it is, stopping at ‘Presidential Penis Measuring Contest.'”

Larry Wilmore objected so strongly to Donald Trump talking about his penis, that he teamed up with other comedians to debut a new hashtag: “#DickJokesMatter.”

“So ladies and gentleman, the great debate: Does Donald Trump have a small or large penis?” asked Trevor Noah. “I’ve gotta say, personally, I think it’s huge — after all, he’s using it to f@#k the entire Republican Party.”

Late Night Roundup: The Donald Vs. The Pontiff

Stephen Colbert took on the bizarre campaign development of a political feud between Donald Trump and Pope Francis. “It’s like Jesus said: Blessed are the poor — unless they said something bad about me, then screw ’em.”

“Now I want to try to broker a peace between these two men,” Colbert added. “Mr. Trump, Mr. Pope — I believe that’s his formal name — is it possible that you guys are fighting because you have so much in common? After all, both think you’re infallible; and you both sit on golden thrones; and you both wear very silly things on your heads.”

Stephen also sat down with a very special guest: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, who talked about his new venture into incisive coverage of the presidential campaign.

James Corden said of the Trump-Pope feud: “I know what you’re thinking: There go the Pope’s chances of being on the next season of Celebrity Apprentice.”

Seth Meyers examined the dispute between Apple and the FBI, which is invoking a law from 1789 to try to pressure Apple into developing software to break into the iPhone of the San Bernardino terrorists: “That’s right, the FBI is using a 1789 law to get into an iPhone — 1789, a time when people only used BlackBerries.”

Late Night Roundup: Getting Positive — With John Kasich

John Kasich visited Stephen Colbert, to talk about his effort to create some positive spirit and vision in the presidential campaign “People are getting tired of the negative,” he began. “You know in New Hampshire, I took a pounding—”

Stephen interrupted: “Shut up!”

While hosting his show on a special trip to Los Angeles, Jimmy Fallon welcomed a special guest to sub in for him on the monologue: Jay Leno. “Let me ask you something: What is going on with the Republicans?” Jay asked. “I watch these debates — Trump attacks Cruz; Rubio goes after Bush; Bush gets into a fight with Trump. Remember the good old days, when the Republicans were all united against the poor and the minorities — what happened there?”

James Corden looked at the latest antics from Jeb Bush, in his quest to somehow become likable: Tweeting a photo of a gun with his name on it, and switching to contact lenses. “Most people actually do look cooler without glasses — Jeb looks like a turtle who’s lost his shell!” James said. “Also, is anyone else worried that Jeb got rid of his glasses the same week that he got a gun?!”

Late Night Roundup: Colbert Salutes Scalia — Really

Stephen Colbert paid a personal tribute to the late Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, as a guy with a fun sense of humor — one of the few VIP’s in Washington to actually laugh at his routine during the 2006 White House Correspondents’ Dinner, when he mercilessly raked the entire D.C. establishment (including Scalia) over the coals. And not only that, Scalia even yucked it up with him afterwards.

“I will forever be grateful for that moment of human contact that he gave me,” Stephen declared. “And so I’d just like to say one last time: Justice Scalia, I salute you” — making the same obscene Italian gesture that Scalia loved so much.

Samantha Bee took on Republicans’ invocation of the so-called “Thurmond Rule” — which is not any kind of legal rule. “Now look, I’m sure that Strom Thurmond is smiling up from Hell, knowing that a rule named after him might prevent the black president from doing his job,” Bee said bluntly. “But filling court vacancies is one of only three jobs a president actually has: Appointing justices, bombing the @#$% out of the Middle East, and turkey pardonings — that’s it!”

Seth Meyers ripped into Senate Republicans like Marco Rubio, insisting that they won’t even lift a finger to consider a Supreme Court nominee from President Obama. “Yes, interpret the Constitution as it was originally meant — except for the part that says, “The president shall nominate judges of the Supreme Court.’ Everyone knows that part was supposed to be sarcastic — which is why the Founders followed it with the shrug emoji.”