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Survivor Of Bowling Green Tragically Dies In Sweden Terror Attack

Reprinted with permission from Breaking Burgh.

(Bowling Green, KY) In a cruel twist of fate, a former resident of Bowling Green, KY – who survived the horrific attack that tore that city apart earlier this month – has tragically died under similar circumstances in Sweden.

Jason Vargus was playing Pokémon Go when he narrowly escaped death during the Bowling Green Massacre, during which scores of immigrant terrorists – who had arrived there due to the absence of appropriate travel bans – machine-gunned large segments of the population to death.

After surviving Bowling Green by playing dead for ten hours amidst the corpses, the young man felt so blessed to have a new lease on life that he vowed to live it to the fullest by seeing the world.

Unfortunately, that fateful desire took him to Sweden, where he would pay with his life in another terrible attack on February 17.

His family ask that people leave them alone at this time to grieve for Jason, unless they have any concrete details about the attack which are proving very hard to come by.

IMAGE: Breaking Burgh

A Very Serious, And Not At All Sarcastic, Report On North Korea’s Nuclear Test

It’s been an eventful week for North Korea. Not only did leader Kim Jong-un claim to have successfully tested his largest nuclear warhead ever, but he also banned sarcasm for his entire country out of concern that the North Korean people were only supporting him ironically.

It’s a lot to process given tight restrictions on international media in the country. Fortunately, we at The National Memo have intercepted an official report from the North Korean nuclear test. It proves that the operation was indeed an unequivocal triumph.

 

September 8, 105*

Dear citizens of the “Democratic” “People’s” “Republic” “of” Korea,

No, those weren’t air quotes. Why would you think something silly like that? Anyway…

What. A. Day. I mean, boy, when was the last time you ever saw such an astonishing nuclear weapon test? The underground explosion was so huge, I couldn’t even see the whole thing. Wow.

Here’s a quick recap of the launch itself; sorry if the details are a bit technical. First, we dug a hole super-duper deep in the mud, dropped our big boy bomb inside, and then it did a giant KA-BLAM! Sorry, that’s science talk for something that blows up. For those of you struggling to follow my jargon, just know that the weapon worked really well. Probably the best weapon in the history of weapons. I can’t wait to put the next one onto a missile. I bet it’ll go sooooo far.

Believe me, it totally happened just like I said. The other engineers and I watched the crystal-clear live footage on our state-of-the-art color TV.

Gee, I was so excited about the rise of our new superweapon that I completely forgot about my starving family. But that’s just Korea for you—always coming out on top! Sorry, United States. Looks like you’re not the big man on campus anymore. Maybe I’ll go out for drinks with all my friends to celebrate.

Who can complain? All hail our “Great Leader”—what a fascinating guy :P. He’s got all the looks, the brains, the power, and still manages to be so incredibly humble. So, Kim Jong-un, from one basketball fan to another, let me congratulate you on your latest “slam dunk.”

Chalk it up as another inspiring victory for the Korean people. See you all at tomorrow’s mandatory parade! I couldn’t miss it for the world.

Toodle-oo!

*We decided to restart our calendar in 1912, remember? What a super idea.

A Beginner’s Guide To Trump-ese

No one can deny that Donald Trump has a way with words—maybe not a way that is elegant or well informed, but one that is undoubtedly all his own.

The GOP candidate has leaned on a staggering number of buzzwords throughout his campaign, imbuing established terms with coded or even opposite meanings. In special cases, he’s even coined brand new phrases. It can be dizzying to wrap your head around this curious new dialect, so we at The National Memo compiled this handy dictionary of basic Trumpese to help you figure out what The Donald is really talking about:

 

America (noun) – a nation in the Western Hemisphere that used to be really great back before streetcars and universal suffrage were invented

 

Bald (adjective) – having little or no hair*

*(Editor’s note: This entry has been deemed unnecessary and deleted by official Trumpese linguists, who also request that you continue scrolling down and do not return to this particular definition.)

 

Bankruptcy (noun) – a clever financial tactic by which a very handsome businessman gathers up his failures and makes them someone else’s problem

 

Bigly 1. (adverb) – an indisputably real word meaning huge (alt: yuge) or to a large extent 2. (noun) – a more efficient way of saying “big league” that important businessmen use to save time

 

Birth certificate (noun) – an identifying document that all non-white Americans carry at all times, unless they happen to be secret terrorists

 

China 1. (noun) – a shifty-eyed country across the Pacific that sneaks into America at night and steals our jobs 2. (noun) a filler word, useful in speeches, when you do not have anything of substance to say

 

Crooked (adjective) – having all the proper experience and qualifications for an executive governmental position

 

 

Fire (verb) – to take away a loser’s job on national television because he or she, unlike you, is not the best

 

Hands 1. (noun) — a disgusting body part that you should never shake 2. (noun) an appendage at the end of the arm primarily used to measure one’s massive genitalia

 

Hero (noun) – an individual who makes it through a war without being killed or captured, oftentimes by never leaving the comfort of a penthouse apartment

 

Nuclear weapon (noun) – an apocalyptic device that the commander-in-chief can threaten to use whenever he wants in order to make the best deals

 

Politically incorrect (adjective) – a style of conscience-free language that uses Freedom of Speech to justify shouting racial slurs and mocking the disabled

 

Protest 1. (noun) — a stinky herd of jobless losers who deserve to get punched in the face 2. (verb) to express disapproval of the government in a way that will hopefully be illegal soon

 

Rigged (adjective) — describing circumstances that, for whatever reason, do not work out in your favor

 

Russia 1. (noun) the personal estate of all-around great guy Vladimir Putin 2. (noun) A really helpful IT service that specializes in digging up old emails

 

Sad! (adjective) – not being the best, because there can only be one best, and I have always been the best, meaning that you will never be the best, which is just plain sad

 

Sarcasm (noun) – an excuse for passing off a controversial statement as a joke even though you totally meant it

 

Second Amendment (noun) – the portion of the Constitution that upholds one’s unalienable right to encourage the murder of political rivals

 

Tax return (noun) – a detailed report of an individual’s income and expenses that you can ignore if you are rich and powerful enough

 

Truth-teller (noun) — a person who speaks authentically and from the heart by shouting out whatever malarkey* he wants to

*For more on malarkey, see The Comprehensive Guide to Bidenisms

 

Wall (noun) – a vertical barrier, costing the American public billions of dollars, along the U.S.-Mexico border designed to prevent the spread of melanin and hard workers

EXCLUSIVE: A Late-Night Text Conversation Between Putin and Trump

As the old saying goes, politics makes strange bedfellows. But no political alliance today is as strange or frightening as that between Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump. With a mutual distaste for NATO, at least one shared political consultant, and huge amounts of Russian money poured into Trump’s businesses, their destinies are undoubtedly intertwined.

To top it off, there is considerable evidence that Russian hackers under Putin’s command carried out the DNC Wikileaks dump in an attempt to discredit Hillary Clinton.

Trump and Putin may very well be closer than anyone would like to think. Could they be texting each other to plan out their world domination… right now?!

 

[Monday, July 25, 3:03am EST]

DT: Hey. U up?

VP: Yes, Donald. I’m in different time zone. It is 10 in the morning here.

DT: Ah, I get it. You put your country closer to the sun to get more work done. Very smart—reminds me of something I would do.

VP: Indeed… is Manafort w/ you?

DT: He sleeps out in the kennel.

VP: Tell him I miss him when you get a chance. We should all get together in Ukraine really soon.

DT: Idk, Vlad. I think NATO might have something to say about that!

VP: LOL!!! U R 2 much.

DT: I’m dropping truth bombs like you are in Syria!

VP: Omg, stop it. I literally just blew vodka out my nose laughing.

DT: What can I say, I’m a funny guy. The funniest guy.

VP: Maybe the funniest president?

DT: As if #CrookedHillary has a chance… Btw — thanks again for the leak. Huge!

VP: It was my pleasure to take down the villainous Debbie Wasserman Schultz. I say never trust a woman with two last names. She’s almost as bad as Pussy Riot.

DT: 2 bad she quit. I would’ve fired her! U think anyone knows you guys are behind it?

VP: Some reporter got in contact with one of the hackers. He told him he was Romanian.

DT: Nice choice. Now the loser Democrats will think the vampires are behind it.

VP: I like you, Donald. You are strong leader. We should wrestle sometime!

DT: Yeah okay, just don’t mess up my hair.

VP: And could you do me a solid and make sure you pay back my friends? Some investors are getting nervous.

DT: They’ll get their $$$. They made a deal with me, and I make the best deals. The best. Therefore, they made the best deal. Besides, the Mexicans will pay for everything.

VP: Thx Don. Let’s Make Russia Great Again!

DT: It’s “America.”

VP: Oops, autocorrect.

 

Photo: Republican U.S. presidential nominee Donald Trump gives two thumbs up as he stands in the Trump family box with his daughter Ivanka (R) awaiting the arrival onstage of his son Eric at the conclusion of former rival candidate Senator Ted Cruz’s address during the third night at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, July 20, 2016. REUTERS/Aaron P. Bernstein