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Samantha Bee Hilariously Warns Clinton Camp Not to Alienate the ‘Basket of Deplorables’

Published with permission from AlterNet

“You can’t win a four-way race with just ‘plorables!”

Samantha Bee’s show “Full Frontal” has been on hiatus for the past five weeks. The big story that’s escalated in that time? Hillary Clinton’s health crisis.

“I mean, who ever thought that someone with the body of a weak and feeble woman could ever lead a great nation?” Bee asked, flashing to a slide of Elizabeth I of England (September 1533–March 1603).

Clinton’s team announced Sunday that the Democratic candidate has been battling pneumonia, as if she wasn’t having a hard enough time in the polls already.

“Hillary’s death was the culmination of a great month for her,” Bee told the audience sarcastically.

Last Monday, Clinton held just a two-point lead, at 42 percent to Trump’s 40 percent in a 4-way race.

“Yay, we’re back within the margin of terror!” Bee yelped.

And according to Bee, the two “third-party candidates… give Hillary-haters a chance to remain morally pure while also putting Donald Trump in the White House.”

“After spending months complaining that we weren’t paying enough attention to them, Johnson and what’s-her-name finally got us to give them a closer look,” Bee said, and then quickly corrected herself. “I’m so sorry, I meant Doctor what’s-her-name.”

The Green Party candidate, Jill Stein, was issued an arrest warrant for last week, for “petty crime,” explained Bee, referring to Stein’s vandalization of a bulldozer at the Dakota oil pipeline protest.

“Meanwhile, my workout buddy, Gary Johnson, like so many charming jocks before him, flunked his geography test,” Bee said, referring to Johnson’s notorious gaffe last week in which he responded, “What is Aleppo?” when asked on MSNBC what he would do about the center of the refugee crisis.

“It’s a city in Syria,” Bee exclaimed. “You wouldn’t like it… It doesn’t have many walls left to climb,” she continued, mocking Johnson.

“So Lady Nader (Jill Stein) and Pothead Perot (Gary Johnson) have both made the critical mistake of letting voters know who they are. Meanwhile, George Wallace in a wig has yet another campaign manager,” announced Bee, turning back to Trump.

“Her job seems to involve crushing a Klonopin into his breakfast McFlurry, pointing him at a teleprompter and begging him to use his inside voice, which unfortunately makes him sound like he’s reading the creepiest bedtime story ever,” Bee explained, referring to Trump’s peppering of his new sotto voce speeches with words like “dead” and “dying.”

Still, with Trump up in the polls, her strategy doesn’t seem to be half bad. As for Hillary, Bee had some tough love.

“Don’t alienate the deplorables,” Bee warned, reflecting on Clinton’s very true message about “half of Trump supporters” in a campaign speech last Friday. “You can’t win a four-way-race with just ‘plorables,” Bee joked.

Though with 65 percent of Trump supporters believing President Obama is a Muslim, and nearly half of Trump supporters believing African-Americans are “more violent” than whites, Bee had another idea:

“We’re going to need a bigger basket.”

Watch:

Photo and video via YouTube/Full Frontal With Samantha Bee

A White Man Just Can’t Catch A Break

He brought his rifle up at the sound of footsteps crunching the Oregon snow. “Who goes there? Stop and be recognized.”

A weary voice answered out of the darkness. “It’s me, Sam. It’s Bud.”

“Give me the password.”

“Come on, Sam. Stop foolin’ around.”

“The password,” Sam insisted.

Bud sighed. “‘Patriots act.’ Are you happy now?”

Sam lowered the weapon as Bud stepped out of the trees into the meager circle of moonlight. “Can’t be too careful,” he said. He cupped his hands and blew into them. It was cold out here. “So where you been?” he asked.

“Down to the front gate.”

Sam grinned. “Bet you it’s a zoo, bunch of satellite trucks and media elites standing around. Who all’s down there? CNN? NBC? CBS? Sure hope Fox sends that Megyn Kelly. That babe can interview me anytime.”

Bud shook his head. “Ain’t much media down there at all.”

“Oh. Cops are keepin’ em back, huh?”

“Hardly any cops, neither.”

Sam had been stamping his feet trying to bring back circulation. Now he paused, looking over at Bud in shock. “No cops?”

“Not so’s you’d notice.”

“Do they know we took over a federal facility?”

“Yup.”

“I mean, it’s only a wildlife refuge in the boonies, but it’s still federal property, ain’t it?”

“Yup.”

“So that’s treason or somethin’, right?”

“You’d think.”

“Do they know Cliven Bundy’s sons are out here with us? Do they know we’re supporting local ranchers against federal tyranny?”

“They know.”

“Do they know we’re armed? Do they know we’re ready to shoot it out? Do they know we’re ready to die — and to take some of them with us?”

“Yup, yup and yup.”

“And they’re still ignoring us?”

“Appears that way.”

“Hell,” said Sam. Cold smoke drifted from his mouth. He couldn’t feel his fingers. “Hell,” he said again. “That ain’t fair.”

“How do you mean?” Bud stood hunched over, his hands pinned in his armpits.

“You think if a bunch of damn Muslims had took this place over, the cops and the media would be diddling around like this? You wouldn’t be able to think for the helicopters buzzing overhead. You’d be blinded by the TV lights. They’d send Anderson Cooper, Wolf Blitzer, Lester Holt. Hell, even if we was just black, they’d at least send Geraldo Rivera. But a bunch of white men? Nothin’.”

“I’m not so sure,” said Bud thoughtfully, “I mean, the media did turn out when ol’ Clive made his stand a couple years ago. He had plenty attention.”

“He did, but did you notice how they treated him? They acted like he was just an old kook like your crazy uncle Bubba. He’s out there with a bunch of armed men refusing to recognize federal authority, but they acted like he was … harmless.”

Bud nodded. “I see your point,” he said.

“I’m tired of bein’ treated like I’m harmless just ’cause I’m white. White men ain’t harmless. Did you hear about that biker gang shootout in Waco last May? Nine people dead, twice that many wounded, almost 180 arrests. That sound harmless to you?”

Bud shook his head. “I must have missed that,” he said.

“See, that’s my point. If 180 Mexican illegals had shot it out, you think you wouldn’t know about it? Hell, it would have been the top news story of the year! The blacks, the Muslims, the Mexicans, they get all the attention they want even when they’re not doin’ nothin’, but guys who look like you and me, we get bupkes. What do we need, bikini girls? For criminy sake, we’re committing armed insurrection against the federal government! Ain’t that enough?”

Sam went back to stamping his feet. He found himself wondering idly about the symptoms of hypothermia. “A white man just can’t catch a break,” he muttered.

(Leonard Pitts is a columnist for The Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, Fla., 33132. Readers may contact him via e-mail at lpitts@miamiherald.com.)(c) 2016 THE MIAMI HERALD DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Ammon Bundy addresses the media at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge near Burns, Oregon, January 4, 2016. REUTERS/Jim Urquhart

Pop Culture Warned Us About Trump, Part 2: ‘MAD Magazine’!

Welcome to the second part of our ongoing series, examining all the ways that the artistic and entertainment communities have been trying to warn America that Donald Trump was up to no good.

Our latest: The career of Donald Trump, as chronicled by one of America’s greatest institutions of public commentary — MAD Magazine.

Trump may be shortlisted for Time‘s Person of the Year, but he has a far more dubious honor coming to him. As seen on the latest cover for their year-end issue, MAD is highlighting “The 20 Dumbest People, Events and Things” of 2015 — and “Guess who’s #1?”

Predictably, over the past few months the magazine has also been getting a lot of mileage out of Trump’s antics on the campaign trail, as just these few recent examples demonstrate:

 

But making fun of Trump is hardly a new pursuit for “The Usual Gang of Idiots,” as the MAD stable of creators is known. In fact, as long as Trump has been in the limelight — and way before he was ever considered a credible politician — this venerable American publication has been tearing down at The Donald’s vanity, hypocrisy, and monstrous ego.

In an example appropriate to the holiday season, let’s review the 1988 feature, “Famous Stories As Told By Famous People,” in which Trump was cast as the narrator of one of America’s favorite stories about the noble underdog: It’s a Wonderful Life. But in Trump’s telling, it becomes a story that rips George Bailey for being “a total loser!”

“MAD” #283. Click images to enlarge.

Trump’s description of what George should’ve done might also sound familiar to anyone who has seen the movie: Foreclose on people, knock down their houses, and put up a casino. Say hello to Trumpsville!

“MAD” #283.

The very same issue featured a newly discovered species of flower, the “Creeping Trumpweed,” which “spreads in all directions,” threatening the entire ecosystem by “totally blocking out all sunlight from more lowly species.”

the

“MAD” #283.

Then in 1989, a feature entitled “New Comic Book Superheroes Based On Real People” depicted Trump as “Captain Avarice” — who rose up from his humble origin as the “son of a lowly real-estate millionaire,” vowing to work hard and (“by any means”) become “a respectable billionaire!” (Compare this with Trump’s talk of how his father “gave me a small loan of a million dollars” to start up his business.)

The dubious crusader’s powers include the ability to “devour an entire block and still be hungry for more” and to “leap over zoning laws with a single ‘campaign contribution’!” Among his biggest enemies: “Lawful tenants… ‘communistic’ ideas like ‘Rent Control,’ and the word ‘enough’.”

“MAD” #288.

A feature in 1992, “When Should We Believe…?” explored the differences between the words and actions of various public figures. Their section on Trump — at a time when his businesses were in a tight spot — contrasted his public persona of bottomless, bombastic confidence with the reality of his businesses filing for bankruptcy.

“MAD” #315.

But in a strangely prophetic (and pertinent) joke, the very next sample of this MAD feature asked: “When should be believe American voters?” — when the complain about the political class or when they end up electing them back into office.

“MAD” #315.

Perhaps the American public’s constant hatred of the usual politicians, while we indeed keep re-electing “these very same crooks,” has finally found its outsider champion — or at least, a different crook from the usual ones.

In 2000, MAD depicted a satirical version of Mt. Rushmore, featuring some of the zanier characters who were poking their heads up as possible presidential candidates: Warren Beatty, Pat Buchanan, Jesse Ventura — and Trump!

“MAD” #389.

But seriously, folks, it’s not like Trump would ever actually run, right?

Another feature from ten years ago, “Trump Roast,” began after The Donald achieved a resurgence of media fame thanks to his show The Apprentice. These full single-page comic strips featured such gags as:

  • Trump yelling at a cleaning lady: “This is my personal bathroom. it has to be the best, most fabulous bathroom in the world! I want you on your hands and knees all day cleaning it. And if I come back here and don’t like what I see, you’re fired!” Then while he’s gone, the cleaning lady indeed works hard to clean the toilet — using his electric toothbrush.
  • Trump at a church altar, for his latest wedding. Behind the couple we can see the long, flowing train of Melania’s wedding gown — and the even longer, even more flowing train of The Donald’s combover.
  • The construction crew of Trump Tower Chicago happily telling their boss that the building is now complete and inviting him to see their fine work. But Trump isn’t happy, saying that it still isn’t finished — and he then directs a helicopter to place a huge, orange hairpiece over the top of the spire, to truly mark the skyscraper as his own.

Here’s hoping The Donald doesn’t get a chance to do anything like that to the White House.

This is the second in our new series “Pop Culture Warned Us About Trump.” 

Check out Part 1: “The Penguin” here.

Q&A With Sarah Silverman: ‘I’ve Seen People Romanticize Depression’

By Matt Pais, RedEye (TNS)

In Sarah Silverman’s 2013 comedy special We Are Miracles, the stand-up notes an online porn clip featuring several guys and one woman ending with one of the guys telling the woman, “Great job, I know you were sick.”

Obviously, that’s meant to be funny. But Silverman’s point about people being multifaceted and possessing unexpected humanity is relevant in thinking about the depth that the 44-year-old comedian, not necessarily known as a major actress, brings to her first dramatic starring role in I Smile Back. She takes the promise shown in her stirring supporting turn in the great Take This Waltz and absolutely nails it as Laney, who battles depression (something Silverman herself has dealt with), drug addiction and the way a wide variety of fears and traumas impact her relationships (her Masters of Sex co-star Josh Charles plays her husband).

“In a way, I feel like, ‘Why? Why is it such a surprise?’ “ Silverman says when I tell her that based on the progression of her work, I wasn’t as surprised as people involved in the film seemed to have been about thinking of her for the part. “And then in another way, I join them in that surprise.”

The actress talked about music, depression and more:

Q: The movie deals a lot with pain and trauma; in We Are Miracles you talk about everyone experiencing trauma but people not always realizing it because there’s no music telling them how to feel. How interested would you be in having an automatic soundtrack playing throughout your life for a week, so as things happen to you either happy or sad music comes on?

A: Oh, yeah, well, that’s probably my all-time favorite thing to do in the world, is walk through the streets of New York with the soundtrack to my life in my ears. It’s like, “I’m melancholy; I’m listening to Lou Reed’s ‘Perfect Day,’ walking through the autumn streets of New York.” “Oh God, you make me feel so …” What’s that line? “(You made me) forget myself/I thought I was someone else, someone good.” (Mock cries.) It’s so true.

Q: What’s the happy version of that?

A: Then I walk through and I’m listening to Taylor Swift “Shake It Off.” (Laughs.)

I do like happy music, but I really love heartbreaking music.

Q: Then would you be interested if you lost your shoe in mud and automatically the world cued up sad strings?

A: (Laughs.) Yes, yes. Music in movies is such a fine line because you don’t want to be told what’s coming. You don’t want to be told how to feel.

Q: “Oh, this is the important moment, OK.”

A: Yeah, yeah, right, right. “Oh, this is going to get sad.” Then there’s just the one key playing, the piano key: “Is this going to be scary? Is someone going to get killed?”

Q: It’s like Jason Segel composing in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” It’s just tones.

A: (Laughs.) Yeah. The music in this movie, I think it’s good. It’s more like “Peter and the Wolf” in that — not that each character has a tone, but that tick tick tick tick tick when she’s triggered or something. It’s pretty cool.

Q: You were thought of for this role when you were heard talking about depression on Howard Stern, and you’ve said your darker years have always informed your work. Have you thought about if you would have been able to do this role without having personal experience with depression? And as an extension of that, I suppose you could say this about any disease, but does it feel like depression is something people can’t understand if they haven’t gone through it?

A: That’s a good two-part question. The first one is do I think I could do this part if I didn’t battle depression myself: I don’t even know if I would be in show business if I didn’t have the childhood I had or the experience I had or the chemical makeup. So maybe not. I don’t know. I don’t know who I would be. I probably would be a much more secure teacher who doesn’t need the love of strangers. (Laughs.) And then the second part was what?

Q: Is depression something people can’t understand without going through it, in a different way than a more physical illness?

A: I mean, people can empathize with it. I do think that people — I’ve seen people romanticize depression. I think that artists that kind of romanticize depression, sometimes I wonder if they — there are comics that don’t want to have therapy because they’re afraid if they get past their sadnesses they won’t be funny. I just feel like that is someone who has not experienced depression because you don’t want to be depressed. (Laughs.) You’d maybe do anything to not have these paralyzing downward spirals. They’re not as effective. People might write incredible songs when they’re depressed. It is true: Adele got her heart broken and she wrote “21”; it’s like the greatest. (Laughs.) So I’m contradicting myself. Look! I’m not a perfect person. It’s early; I’m drinking a Red Bull, which is drugs basically.

Q: But is that what you mean by romanticize, when artists act like it’s a good thing because it gives them something creative to do? People always have frustrations; even if they’re not depressed, something can happen and you want to write about it, I would think.

A: Yeah, and I mean, I understand romanticizing depression in that I let myself wallow in it. Listen to sad music, feel sorry for myself and all that stuff in a way that kind of helps me process it. But real depression is not something that you want to experience for your art. It’s something that art sometimes comes out of as a way of just expressing through something.

Q: You said you like that “I Smile Back” will evoke different reactions out of people who see Laney different ways. How troubled are you when it seems like everyone thinks the same thing about a movie? I can’t stand when everyone is like, “This is the best movie ever; there’s only one opinion you can have, end of story.” There’s no conversation to be had there.

A: Yeah, I know. I didn’t not like Up. I love Up. (Laughs.) I love Ed Asner. But I was like, maybe it was just where I was coming from. That movie I cannot take — I understand that Pixar movies are the greatest movies ever made —

Q: Well, the first third is the part everyone loves.

A: My heart can’t take it! It’s too much for me. I was crying so hard in the first half-hour of Up. I remember I just looked at my friend, she was sitting next to me, and I just went (wailing), “Why are they doing this to us?” That’s how I felt. It wasn’t like, Up sucked!” It was amazing; I don’t like, and I know I’m promoting this movie that is this way, but I don’t like being made to feel too much because it hurts! Which is why this process was hard for me, actually.

Q: As someone who thought “Boyhood” was just OK, I’m fully in favor of people saying how they feel, minority or not. The lack of ability for people to have truth in their opinion does no good for community.

A: (I) didn’t like Sherlock Holmes! How ‘bout that? Is that something?

Q: Sure.

A: (Fake sad) Hmm.

Q: Maybe not as controversial, but I appreciate your honesty.

A: (Fake sad) Ohhh …

Q: On that note, why is it controversial for a comedian —

A: How about this? I loved Knight and Day, with a K? Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz vehicle. Loved it! Thought it was a super-fun romp.

Q: Let’s close with a few quick ones. Based on your sensibilities, which was more absurd: You being in Wreck-It Ralph or Bob Saget being on Full House?

A: Oh, that’s a good question. I guess Bob Saget in Full House, but he was great in that. I’m not being playful enough. … I’m so sorry. I want to do right by you.

Q: Who’s someone who would never get roasted but should?

A: Oh, Jesus! I don’t know, a Weinstein! OK, I take that back, my manager just went (exaggerated, pained facial expression). Who’s someone who will never get roasted that should? The Senate?

Q: That would be awesome.

A: Boom! That’s my final answer. Harvey (Weinstein), you’re off the hook.

Q: And last one: What scares you now? Not as playful of a question.

A: (Pretends to cry, takes a deep breath.) Feelings. And greed. The direction greed has taken the world. How ‘bout that? I know that’s a big one. I mean, honestly, there are people starving to death, and we have plenty of food resources to feed everybody in the world. I feel like this is a good pope; he’s going to do some good things. I once made a video, “Sell the Vatican, Feed the World,” and I feel like he’s the closest one to it. Maybe he might sell a couple pieces of that fancy art and feed the world with it.

©2015 Chicago Tribune. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

Photo: Sarah Silverman at the I Smile Back premiere. (eskimo_jo via Flickr)