Tag: joke
Sparsely Attended CPAC Ridiculed As 'Shell' What It Once Was

Sparsely Attended CPAC Ridiculed As 'Shell' What It Once Was

The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) — an annual summit of far-right activists, pundits and elected officials — used to be regarded as the beating heart of the conservative movement. However, one columnist recently said CPAC has now become a "joke" given its meager attendance.

According to Daily Beast senior columnist Matt Lewis, CPAC, which is hosted by the American Conservative Union in Washington, DC, has lost its luster as newer, hotter competitor conferences have emerged in recent years. Far-right group Turning Point USA, for example, attracted roughly 20,000 attendees for its "AmericaFest" event late last year. To further illustrate his point, Lewis linked to a tweet by 2024 CPAC attendee Steven Senski, who posted a photo of a sparsely attended CPAC forum featuring rows of mostly empty chairs.

"I've seen bigger Tupperware parties," Senski wrote.

2024 marked the 50th annual gathering for the American Conservative Union — which is led by far-right activist Matt Schlapp — yet the slim attendance numbers suggest that the summit no longer packs the punch it used to. This may be partially attributed to the sexual harassment allegations against Schlapp. In 2023, Carlton Huffman, an ex-staffer for former Georgia US Senate candidate Herschel Walker, accused Schlapp of grabbing his crotch and inviting him to his hotel room while he was visiting Atlanta. Huffman is seeking $9.4 million in damages for both alleged sexual battery and defamation.

"[J]ust as the Republican Party has become smaller (and weirder) in the Trump era, so too has the conservative movement," Lewis wrote. "Add all these things up, and CPAC is a shell of its former self. As Jimmy Kimmel put it, this year’s CPAC looks to be 'a who's who of who won’t accept the results of the election.' (Sadly, he was right.)"

Still, CPAC still played host this year to numerous high-profile Republicans who are seeking to become former President Donald Trump's running mate, assuming he wins the GOP's presidential nomination this summer. Reps. Byron Donalds (R-FL) and Elise Stefanik (R-NY) spoke at this year's conference, along with Sen. JD Vance (R-OH) and South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem (R).

CPAC 2024 was also host to numerous election deniers. One booth featured a January 6-themed pinball machine that glorified disproven conspiracy theories about the 2020 presidential election. CNN reported that the game "has seven different modes: 'Stop the Steal,' 'Fake News,' 'Peaceful Protest,' 'It's a Setup,' 'Babbitt Murder,' 'Have Faith' and 'Political Prisoners.' The conference ends today.

Reprinted with permission from Alternet.

DNC Chair Wasserman Schultz: Occupy Wall Street More Mainstream Than GOP Presidential Candidates

Occupy Wall Street has been pilloried by the Republican presidential contenders as a radical movement of hippies out of touch with the working class. Democratic National Committee Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz visited the Boston protests today and made a very different case:

Ten hours and about four blocks from where over 100 Occupy Boston protesters were arrested early this morning, Democratic National Committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz signaled a further embrace of the Occupy Wall Street movement by the Democratic Party.

“Occupy Wall Street are expressing frustrations of middle-class Americans,” she said during a press conference at the Massachusetts Democratic Party’s headquarters on Summer Street. The movement, she implied, was more in touch with average Americans than any of nine GOP presidential candidates.

If it wasn’t exactly an endorsement of the demonstrations — Wasserman Schultz did take pains to note that while most of the Occupy Wall Street protestors were behaving peacefully and appropriately, there were exceptions — it was a profound statement nonetheless, showing just how far apart the parties are on the issue.

Democrats have been increasingly lending their support for the sit-ins, and even President Obama has described the protests as reflecting Americans’ unhappiness with the economy.

The Republicans, in contrast, are virtually united in their disdain. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney called the protesters “dangerous” last week, and when Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, was asked about the protests, he said, “If you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself.” (Although one Republican candidate, Buddy Roemer, the former governor of Louisiana, has embraced Occupy Wall Street, he has not yet been invited to a single debate and doesn’t even garner an asterisk in polls of early states

Some Questions For Dick Cheney

Book-tour media rules for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who is out promoting his new memoir (The following is a list of interview questions that Mr. Cheney has agreed to answer forthrightly.):

1. What’s the title of your new book? Do you think you’ll sell more than Tina Fey?

2. Did you enjoy cowriting it with your daughter Liz?

3. Is Liz a good writer? Does she work on a Mac or a PC? Which of you two was in charge of spell-checking?

4. How’s that dog of yours? Isn’t it a yellow Lab? Are they crazy or what?

5. Do you and former President Bush chat very often? Did you send him an early copy of your book? Maybe an audio disk, or a download for his Kindle?

6. How’s your health these days? Did you get to do some trout fishing this summer in Wyoming? All things considered, do you prefer rainbows or cutthroats?

7. Do you miss being the second-most powerful person in the whole world? What’s the toughest thing about retirement? Did they give you a decent health plan or are there, like, ridiculous co-pays?

8. Who’s your favorite commentator on Fox News? And what’s your most enduring achievement as vice president?

9. On a scale of one to 100, how dangerous to the future of America and the free world is President Obama? How long would it take our country to be overrun by jihadists and North Koreans if a Republican isn’t elected to the White House in 2012?

10. Can we take a peek at your portable heart machine?

(The following is a list of questions that Mr. Cheney might answer partially, with varying degrees of deception, or not at all.)

1. In your memoir, you seem resentful toward Colin Powell. Is this because he was an actual soldier with leadership experience in the first Gulf War and possibly he knew what he was talking about, whereas you never put on a uniform in your life and had no freaking clue?

2. Would you be willing to go on the Jay Leno show and let yourself be waterboarded if you thought it would sell more books? What if Condoleezza agreed to get in the tank, too?

3. Why do you suppose nobody else in the Bush administration wanted to spontaneously bomb Syria except you? At that point, did any of your close friends or family members suggest an extended vacation? A brain scan?

4. During all those White House meetings about Iraq, did anybody ever mention what would happen to our nation’s economy if a war were launched at the same time taxes were being slashed? If so, how many seconds did it take you to change the subject?

5. Did you have trouble keeping a straight face when you kept insisting that Saddam Hussein had an “established relationship with al-Qaida?” Was it satisfying to know that many Americans were misled into believing that Iraq was involved in the 9/11 attacks?

6. Any thoughts on those nonexistent weapons of mass destruction?

7. Why did you keep ranting about WMDs years after the CIA and the military had given up looking? Was this a period when your medication was being adjusted, or were you just spuriously trying to justify the U.S. invasion?

8. Speaking of which, remember when you went on TV and predicted that American troops would be “greeted as liberators”? Is it possible you were drunk at the time?

9. And, oh yeah, remember when you declared that the Iraqi insurgency was in its “last throes?” Way back in 2005? Of all the dumb things to come out of your mouth, where does that whopper rank?

10. Does the number 4,465 hold any special meaning? Would you be surprised to learn that’s how many American troops have been killed in Iraq since the occupation? Just out of curiosity, have you taken a stroll through Arlington National Cemetery lately?

11. Finally, Mr. Vice President, when is the last time you were right about anything?

(Carl Hiaasen is a columnist for the Miami Herald. Readers may write to him at: 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, Fla., 33132.)

(c) 2011, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.

The Rupester Gets His Comeuppance

If Rupert Murdoch’s voicemail was hacked:

BEEP: “Rupert, this is Wendi. Guess what? Piers Morgan called and he wants me to do a whole hour about me punching that pie-thrower at Parliament! I know you’d rather I give the interview to Fox but, darling, Piers and I go way back. Please be a love and say yes. I’ll be in my private fitting room at Harrod’s if you need to reach me.”

BEEP: “Dad, this is James. Sorry I wasn’t much help the other day when that nitwit attacked you with the cream pie. As you know, ever since I was a small boy I’ve had a deathly fear of pastry. Otherwise I would have hurled myself between you and that madman. Honest.

BEEP: “Mr. Murdoch, this is Hugh Grant. Yes, Hugh Grant the actor. Remember how your dirtbag reporters kept hacking my phones a few years ago while I was dating that super-hot socialite whose name now escapes me? Well, you shriveled old goat, guess what. Now I’ve got your voicemail code and I’m eavesdropping on all your personal messages. Ha!”

BEEP: “Mr. Murdoch, this is Dr. Entwistle, the urologist. We got your tests back today and I’d like to schedule an appointment at your earliest convenience.”

BEEP: “Ha, Rupert, I heard that! Hugh Grant here again and, speaking on behalf of all the celebrities whose phones got hacked by your hacks, let me just say that I hope your prostate gland is the size of a croquet ball!”

BEEP: “Rupert, this is Prime Minister David Cameron. I want to personally apologize for the inexcusable security lapse that allowed that impudent pie-thrower to smack you in the face the other day. (But bravo for Wendi, eh?) Listen, Rupe old boy, you understand that despite our close friendship and all the self-serving advice that you’ve given me since I took office, I must continue condemning your newspapers publicly every chance I get, in order to save my own political hide. Please know that I still consider you a dear chum … wait — this line is secure, right?”

BEEP: “Mr. Murdoch, this is Jude Law. Yes, Jude Law the actor. You might recall that I’m suing one of your papers for stealing my private phone messages. I just wanted to tell you how distressed I was to hear that your prostate apparently is now the size of a cantaloupe. Oh, and Hugh Grant says cheers.”

BEEP: “Mr. Murdoch, this is the executive assistant to Prime Minister David Cameron. The PM wanted me to inform you that it wasn’t he who left a somewhat careless message on your phone a few minutes ago, but rather a clever imposter who sounded exactly like him. The Prime Minister would greatly appreciate it if you erased the previous message as soon as possible, and this one as well. Thank you.”

BEEP: “This is a recorded message from the Downing Street Pharmacy. Your prescription for Cialis is ready to be picked up.”

BEEP: “Cialis! Rupert, you horndog! Eighty years old and still rattling the headboards. It’s Hugh Grant again. Isn’t this fun?”

BEEP: “Rupert, it’s Wendi. Oh my God, they want me to be on ‘The View’! Can you believe this? I’ll need the jet, darling, the big one. See you back in New York!”

BEEP: “Mr. Murdoch, it’s Jude Law again. I took the liberty of dropping by the Downing Street Pharmacy and getting your Cialis pills, which I intend to leave at the news desk of the Sunday Mirror, one of your archrival papers. I also informed the druggist that your prostate was now as big as a Frisbee, and he highly recommended Flomax. You should check it out.”

BEEP: “Rupert, this Prince Charles. Because of my family’s sad firsthand experience with tabloid phone-hacking, an actor acquaintance recently provided me with the code to your voicemail — hope it’s not a bother. Camilla and I watched the hearings the other day and were impressed by the right cross thrown by your wife at the pie-thrower. Also wanted to let you know that I, too, have heard good things about Flomax.”

BEEP: “Mr. Murdoch, this is Scotland Yard calling. We have reason to suspect that your private telephone numbers have been compromised — just kidding, Rupester! This is Hugh, again. I’m at Heathrow, where your lovely wife has kindly offered me a lift to New York on your jet. Small world, eh?”

BEEP: “Rupert, it’s Wendi. You’ll never guess who I just bumped into at the airport — and he’s even more handsome in person than he is in the movies! Call you later, darling.”

(Carl Hiaasen is a columnist for the Miami Herald. Readers may write to him at: 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, Fla., 33132.)

(c) 2011, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.