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"Sunset Boulevard": A One-Act Play

"Sunset Boulevard": A One-Act Play

The 45th President of the United States is in his gilded study at Mar-a-Lago with his loyal aide Jason Miller.

JASON MILLER: Mr. President, your lawyers are on the line.

DONALD TRUMP: I fired them, tried to gyp me on the expenses.

MILLER: Not those lawyers, your other lawyers. The new ones.

TRUMP: Put them on hold.

MILLER: It's about testifying in your second impeachment trial.

TRUMP: Could be a big cameo.

MILLER: What should I say?

TRUMP: Who cares?

MILLER: Oh, Mike Pence left a message.

TRUMP: Schlong Mike Pence!

MILLER: There's this letter from the disciplinary committee of the Screen Actors Guild and the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists about revoking your membership. I'm not going to answer.

TRUMP: Are you kidding? This is the greatest opportunity to remind them who's the biggest star. Get YouTube up. Let's decide which are the best cameos.

Miller clicks on YouTube on his computer.

TRUMP: The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Hey, there's Marla with me! Watch, the kid Carlton says, "It's the Donald! Oh my God!" See, he faints. And the mother says to me, "You look much richer in person." Definitely put that one in.

MILLER: A classic.

TRUMP: Sex and the City. Watch how Miranda looks at me in a restaurant where I'm making a big real estate deal. But she doesn't come on to me. Leave it out. How about The Little Rascals? I'm playing a guy named Waldo Johnston II, and I'm talking to my son, Waldo Johnston III, and I say, "Waldo, you're the best son money can buy." That one goes in. How about Suddenly Susan?

Miller taps the video link.

TRUMP: Whoa! How about this line I have? "Make it snappy, I've got a plane to catch." Great line, or what? Then, yeah, here it is, they unveil a new magazine to show me." "We've created a magazine. We give you Skazzy." And how do you like that cover of me: "Our Next President?"

MILLER: That one goes in?

TRUMP: Nah, I am president.

MILLER: Next, Zoolander.

TRUMP: The best. Hey, there's Melania with me! Listen to my line. "Look, without Zoolander male modeling wouldn't be what it is today." That one is a keeper.

MILLER: Should we see the most famous?

Miller hits the link.

TRUMP: Home Alone 2! Here comes the kid lost in the Plaza. He doesn't know who I am. He doesn't know I own the Plaza. "Where's the lobby?" Here's my line: "Down the hall and to the left."

MILLER: Ready? Here it comes—Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.

TRUMP: Maybe my ultimate best. I walk into a barber shop. Michael Douglas is Gordon Gekko. He's getting his hair cut. "Hey, is this the one and only Gordon Gekko?" I say. And he says, "Hey, Donald." And I say, "This is a great place to get a haircut." And he says, "I love this place. I've been coming since the Eighties." And I say, "The Eighties are no longer, Gordo. How's life, Gordo?" But, guess what, my biggest part ever maybe, I gave them my conditions—don't touch the hair, golden lighting. And they cut the scene! But I had a copy of the scene, put it out in a DVD, so it counts. Put it in.

MILLER: And the letter?

TRUMP: Take this down: "I write to you today regarding the so-called Disciplinary Committee hearing aimed at revoking my union membership. Who cares! While I'm not familiar with your work, I'm very proud of my work on movies…" And put in Home Alone 2, Zoolander and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. "…and television shows…" Put in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Saturday Night Live, and of course, one of the most successful shows in television history, The Apprentice – to name just a few!"

MILLER: Perfect. And the close?

TRUMP: "You have done nothing for me."

MILLER: Perfect.

TRUMP: This is my most important document before that impeachment trial. Reminds everybody. I am big. It's the pictures that got small.

The phone rings. Miller picks it up, listens, hangs up.

MILLER: Mr. President, you won't believe this, but Kevin McCarthy is here again. Where should I tell him to wait?

TRUMP: Down the hall and to the left.

Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His AngelandAll the Powers of Earth. His play, This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks. This is the fourth in his "Trump Cycle" series of one-act plays published in The National Memo, including The Pardon, Epstein's Ghost, and Ivanka's Choice.

Sunset Boulevard Reopens After Massive Water-Main Break

Sunset Boulevard Reopens After Massive Water-Main Break

By Howard Blume, Los Angeles Times

LOS ANGELES — Sunset Boulevard reopened early Monday morning when crews finished repaving the thoroughfare after a water-main break created a massive sinkhole and flooded structures at the adjacent UCLA campus, the mayor’s office said.

Mayor Eric Garcetti’s office confirmed Sunset had reopened in time for Monday’s rush hour, but noted that drivers will be required to travel at reduced speeds on the affected part of the street.
The break, which occurred at the juncture of two trunk lines running underneath Sunset, spilled 20 million gallons of water.

The surging stream, which shot upward for hours, created a 25-by-30-foot oval sinkhole about seven feet deep, said Joe Ramallo, spokesman for the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power.

Repairing the water main required more excavation. DWP crews used about 400 tons of sand and 540 tons of crushed aggregate to fill the hole.

Work crews also have been busy at UCLA, which sustained widespread damage. The water stranded about 960 cars in two parking structures and flooded the floor of Pauley Pavilion, the school’s storied basketball arena.

According to a statement from the mayor’s office, the arena will be ready for the UCLA men’s and women’s basketball seasons.

The lower garage levels were submerged to the ceiling in water. No one was injured because the garages filled up gradually, and a water-rescue team was quickly on the scene, helping several people to safety, said UCLA spokesman Tod M. Tamberg.

But 400 were on floors that flooded. Owners can inspect and possibly retrieve them Tuesday.

Even among these, said Tamberg, “there could be cars with water that went halfway up the wheel. The owners may be able to drive those off, and if they do that will be terrific. For others, it will be a tough day emotionally to see their car ruined.”

Water was not fully pumped out till late Friday night, and then crews had to deal with mud and debris.

The cause of the break is under investigation. The L.A. water system has many old underground lines that have been deteriorating.

“At this point, corrosion is suspected,” Ramallo, the DWP spokesman, said.

The utility endured heavy criticism from residents and city officials for the length of time needed to shut off the water. The incident began about 3:30 p.m. Tuesday, and containing the main flow took about 5.5 hours, according to the utility.

After the main leak was stopped, shutting off more than 90 percent of the flow, about 1,000 gallons per minute poured out for a day. Some, if not most, of that discharge was unavoidable, Ramallo said.

“One of the things that can happen when we shut down pipes too fast is that it can damage other pipes,” he said.

The shutdown involved the coordinated control first of three valves, then of nine valves in the area.

“We also had to maintain positive flow and pressure through the pipes to maintain water quality,” Ramallo said. Otherwise, some residents would have had to boil water to make sure it was safe.
Turning the tap on again also has risks because fluctuation in pressure in the surrounding area could cause further leaks and breaks.

“The complexity of this job cannot be overstated,” Ramallo said.

Photo: Los Angeles Times/MCT/Jabin Botsford

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