Smart. Sharp. Funny. Fearless.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Oh, joy! Oh, goody! Oh, happy day! For those of us who love the loopy side of American politics, our dream of some serious loco for 2016 has arrived: Donnie Trump in the race! For president. Of the United States. No, really!

“Wow,” exclaimed a beaming Donald Trump as he stepped onstage, basking in the cheers of a throng that had assembled for his launch into the 2016 presidential race. “That is some group of people,” he gushed. “Thousands.”

He announced his candidacy from — where else? — Trump Tower, the luxury skyscraper on tony Fifth Avenue in Manhattan. The celebrity billionaire, who has splashed the Trump brand on casinos, hotels, resorts, condos, neckties, and even steaks, now wants to put it on the Republican Party. Indeed, The Donald declared that he should be our president because, “We need somebody that can take the brand of the United States and make it great again.” There you go — the U.S. is a brand, like a Big Mac, the Nike swoosh or Vidal Sassoon hair spray.

As for qualifications, Trump brandished his wealth, exclaiming that only someone “really rich” has what it takes to be America’s CEO. This view that one’s net worth is the measure of one’s worthiness squares with an earlier self-assessment by Donnie: “Let me tell you, I’m a really smart guy.”

Of course, smart is as smart does, so what does Mr. Smartypants propose to do as president? He claims he has “a foolproof way of winning the war with ISIS,” the barbaric terrorists marauding through Syria, Iraq and elsewhere. Excellent! What is his plan? It’s a secret, he says, “I don’t want the enemy to know what I’m doing.”

The announcement was a showbiz extravaganza. Literally. The crowd was there to cheer the self-promoting hypester who wants to be president — but not necessarily to support him. That’s because some of these over-the-top enthusiasts were actors! Yes, hired at $50 a pop to do a three-hour performance as Donnie’s “crowd.” An outfit named Extra Mile Casting had been retained to puff up the audience: “We are looking to cast people for the event to wear T-shirts and carry signs and help cheer him,” said Extra Mile in an email to its list of actors who work as extras in films, TV shows, ads, etc. When The Donald Show was done, the actors were seen dumping their signs in the trash and going on to their next showbiz gig.

For his part, Trump gave a rambling, bumbling, almost-incoherent 40-minute rant. Citing his chief qualification for the highest office in the land, he said: “I’m really rich. …And by the way, I’m not even saying that to brag. …That’s the kind of thinking you need for this country.” And his immigration policy is simply, well, simplistic. He “would build a great wall” on the Mexican border to stop all the rapists and other criminals who, he claims, are streaming into the U.S. in droves. “And nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.” Wow, apparently he’s going to build the wall himself! Then he added a jingoistic gringosim to this Good Neighbor policy, declaring, “And I’ll have Mexico pay for that wall.”

And what’s his economic policy, you ask? It’s a whopper: “I will be the greatest jobs president God ever created,” he bellowed.

No, no, Donnie — don’t even try to blame God for creating you or your nuttiness. You truly are a self-made man, spawned from the fumes of your own gaseous ego. Yet you’re a godsend for people seeking comic relief in politics.

Such goofiness explains why Trump is starting his run for the White House with some 70 percent of voters (including more than half of Republicans) viewing him UNfavorably. But, as a brand-name celebrity, The Donald will qualify to be in the GOP’s presidential debates — so let the lunacy begin!

To find out more about Jim Hightower, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Web page at 

Photo: Gage Skidmore via Flickr

  • adler56

    He’s like Larry, Curley and Moe without all their “smarts”.

  • bestofandy

    We need clown candidates to make the others look smarter. Or at least the “real” ones.

  • Karen Bille-Golden

    Just what we need. Someone turning our political debates into a comedy show. Where has all the sanity gone? The only thing he has going for him is proof that having barrels of money does not equal intelligence. An example of self-importance gone awry.. Heaven help us.

    • Dohk

      Karen: we can’t blame him for making the debates into a comedy show, it was already that; Trump is just one of the bigger named players.

      Now people are suggesting (apparently seriously) a Trump/Palin ticket. Now THAT is comedy.

      But there is the possibility of some benefit should he/they win; it would be the most open government in history because of all the cameras 😉

      OMG it just dawned on me… this could be the perfect opportunity to combine shows: The Apprentice and Big Brother.

  • FireBaron

    Jim, the good thing is as long as he is a candidate, NBC will not be allowed to mention his name or show his image on “Celebrity Apprentice”, so we will be spared that trauma, even if his kids run the show.

  • FT66

    Donald Trump is the man. He speaks his mind without fearing anything. Those who are dismissing and under-estimating him, do it on your own peril. He is now in second place in polls in N. Hampshire. The train has just started the journey and pulling fast in a high speed.

    • The lucky one

      “Those who are dismissing and under-estimating him, do it on your own peril.”
      I agree, it’s always dangerous to under-estimate someone with an overblown ego, lots of money and absolutely no ethics or scruples whatsoever.

      Oh ya, and we already knew Trump doesn’t care what anyone else thinks about him. He would never appear in pubic with that goofy hair-do if he did.

      • FT66

        If Trump can pull it out in N.Hampshire, it can change the equation of all GOP contenders. And it is possible as N.Hampshire loves to pull out surprises.

        • The lucky one

          Not sure how you mean it would change things. The GOP could not be more pro-corporation or anti-working class than it already is and that’s Trump’s only platform.
          I mean fer chrissake the guy actually tried to trademark the term “The Donald” but it turns out there were actually a few people with that name prior to Trump. Donald Duck has more of claim on “The Donald” than he does.

      • itsfun

        Maybe we need someone with actual business success in the real world, not the academic one. He has hired thousands of people of all backgrounds. He will be using his own money to campaign for a job, not the taxpayers or huge donors wanting paybacks. He doesn’t mix words and calls an jerk a jerk. I don’t know if I could support him, because we need someone that can actually have a foreign policy. All of the candidates have been successful and don’t deserve to be called names like clown, idiot, etc.

        • The lucky one

          Maybe your right. Liar, crook, hypocrite, whore would all be more accurate than clown or idiot for most of the candidates.
          In reference to how many Trump has hired, how many lost their livelihood with the 4 bankruptcies he declared after he had sucked all the profit out of the businesses he created.
          Trump will never follow through on his campaign given the many skeletons in his closet and the hidden details of his unethical business deals. He will work a deal with one of the other repub candidates to give his support for a quid pro quo. No doubt Trump is smart, not as smart as he thinks but that would be impossible, but his history shows that everything he has ever done has been for one purpose – to personal power & wealth no matter the consequence for others. Why would you think his candidacy will be any different?

        • ralphkr

          We have had successful business men as president before and the outcome was not good. A prime example was the only MBA as president, GW Bush, Hoover also comes to mind, also Carter who did the best of any of the presidents who had been successful business men.

          • The lucky one

            Good point but it’s a stretch to call Bush a “successful” businessman.

          • ralphkr

            Well, lucky, you certainly cannot deny that GW had a MBA. As far as successful business man, mmm, dodged bankruptcy when a $341K loan was written off by the creditor, made a tidy profit of $848K by selling shares in his oil company just before it announced loss of revenue and the shares started the plunge from $4 to $1.25. He invested $600K in the Texas Rangers and sold his share for $14.9 million after the title to the stadium built with public funds was turned over to the Rangers.Sounds fairly successful to me.

          • The lucky one

            Yes but none of his “successes” would have been possible without his family political connections. I know that was the case with his sale of oil shares bought by a family friend who knew their true value.Maybe the creditor forgave a 341K loan just because George is such a swell guy. I’m sure there were no political shenanigans on the stadium deal, wink nod. All of that was just a sneaky way of bribing his father.
            I know Bush has an MBA but if the critical thinking skills and general knowledge he displayed as president is attributable to that then it is not worth the paper it’s printed on. When I was in grad school at Ohio State I knew football players who were getting their degrees without attending class. I suspect that was the case with Bush’s MBA just like he got credit for serving in the Guard without showing up. You and I may have to earn our successes but the royal Bush family just has it handed to them.

          • dpaano

            In a weird sort of way, I guess, you’re right! But, he wasn’t the type of “businessman” we need in the White House now (or did we ever)!

          • ralphkr

            My point is that we have had some successful and some unsuccessful business men as presidents and the successful businessmen have proven to be pretty hazardous to US economic health (the least damaging of the successful businessmen presidents was Carter) while the most famous of the unsuccessful businessmen to be president were Lincoln and Truman.

      • [email protected]

        Was that a typo or was that what you wanted to say? Very funny.

        • The lucky one

          No typos that I can see.

    • phylin

      And he knows how to manipulate bankruptcies so that he does not have to pay his creditors. A great talent indeed.

    • [email protected]

      He speaks his mind but, unfortunately all he knows and cares about is money and stroking his ego.

  • oldtack

    Hey – lets let up on Donnie boy. He fits right in with most of the other clowns (both parties) clamoring for this position.Let’s see – there’s Hillary, a long-long time Politician, There’s a half-breed Cuban immigrant from Canada, A charlatan “Minister of the Gospel” from Arkansas, A Political Preachers son from Michigan, that ruff tuff Texan from Paint Rock, Texas, the venerable MR PERRY, the little Cuban from Florida , some forgettable idiot from somewhere that states his priority as President is to convert this Country 100% to the Matric System and the clown list goes on and on (both Parties)..

    A positive for the Trumpster – he has enough Billions that he doesn’t have to enslave himself to the money Cartel headed by the Koch brothers and the fellow gambling mecca King Addelson(though he probably will if the pay off is good enough). It’s going to be a very entertaining several months to see which two of this myriad of Clowns survives to pit their “skills” and the money of their backers against each other. Whoever wins – The once Proud and Mighty and Respected United States of America will be in one Hell of a mess..

    • itsfun

      Lets see half-breed Cuban, little Cuban. What racist name do you for our President?

      • oldtack

        Oh – I don’t claim immunity from racism. I do not like immigrant Cubans. Have you ever been to little Havana in Miami. Cubans per se – they are good people. I don’t care for the type of government in Cuba but the populace is good hard working caring individuals , I like blacks,I like Orientals and Latinos and even some Southerners. I just don’t like Cuban immigrants or their spawn.

      • [email protected]

        Really, from the comments you see we get the politicians that we deserve.

  • A particular wing of American politics has a marvelous knack for attracting the most outlandish buffoons that America, unfortunately, is able to produce—-from Donald, Ronald the sacred cowboy, a neurosurgeon who lost his marbles after he hung up his surgical garb, and an in-your-face ideologue who writes tons of worthless books, to the white supremacists who fill the GOP’s coffers. As for the latter category, were it not for the beneficiaries of those tarnished contributions being caught red-handed, they would not be sheepishly admitting that they are returning said contributions(or will they?).

    The whole world watches with astonishment and awe at this hilarious and bewildering 3-ring circus performance. Go forward(or rather backwards) Donald in your pell mell rush to have a solid gold likeness of yourself enshrined in the “Political Clowns Hall of Shame”—an exhibit space embroidered with gold and diamond trimmings is reserved in your honor, alongside more shabby exhibits for lesser hoi polloi. (Your highness deserves no less).

    I understand that the museum has to be enlarged to accommodate future inductees–its bursting at the seams already.

    • dtgraham

      Astonishment and awe alright. Trump’s Presidential announcement actually got news coverage on the 3 national networks in Canada, which is pretty unusual for a primary candidate. I would say there was a healthy amount of astonishment and awe from the news anchors regarding his speech. I’ll put it to you that way.

  • LaRae Bailey

    sorry to disagree here boys and girls, but all of these so called politicians have done for decades is to sell the American people down the river while lining their own pockets. they have done little to nothing to improve the country, to help the American people, or get the country back on track. All they care about is a career of easy money, no work , good benefits….maybe it is time for a business man

    • groversyck

      BULL’S EYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • 788eddie

      With four bankrupsies under his belt, this is one businessman I do not want near the White House. Our country could be his fifth (not that we’re in the best of shape right now).

    • The lucky one

      You are right about the pols but calling Trump a “businessman” is somewhat disingenuous. To me a business man is someone who runs a business, Trump is an investor. If you want to call that a business fine but it’s very different than running a business that creates a product or provides a service. A businessman has an interest in maintaining and growing his business. Trump is just looking for the quick profit and will sellout early sometimes screwing the people actually running things whenever he sees an easier buck somewhere else.
      And do we really want a president whose public persona alternates between pouting, snarling and swaggering?

    • [email protected]

      Yes we need a businessman since he appears to be a man who knows how to rape and plunder. The man probably was sired by an orangutan. Please note his hair.

    • dpaano

      Unfortunately, LaRae, the Government ISN’T a business and can’t be run like one!

  • itsfun

    The author is making it sound like Donald being rich is a sin or a crime. If that is so, which of the candidates are poor enough for the author? I doubt if any of them are wondering where their next big Mac will come from.

    • groversyck

      Hey itsfun,
      You got it right. None of the thieving rich bastards should be allowed to run.

    • dpaano

      It isn’t really that he’s rich and it’s a sin or a crime….it’s just that he continually reminds us of how much money he has!!! Unfortunately, as was said, money doesn’t make you a good president! You also have to have brains, compassion, knowledge of the political field, and a ton of other things that most of the GOP candidates don’t have!

  • latebloomingrandma

    The Donald treats the Presidency like a great big reality show. That’s probably how he’d govern, also. I shudder at the spectacle.

  • pmbalele

    I like Don Trump. At least he sounds genuine and better than all GOP line-up. With the exception of Bush III the other GOP candidates are so ugly- the world will laugh at us if elected. But GOPers hate Bush III because he married to a Mexican. Just think of making Chris as president. The guy will not fit in French cars if ever visits France. Dr. Carson, like John McCain, does not brush his teeth-that is why he lisps his words. Jindal is smart but ugly. Randy is a good guy but too short; Santorum wants to be an American little pope. We don’t want another pope in this country. Walker will embarrass the country -the guy dropped out school. He will not be allowed to eat in England universities mess. Rubio is Mexican. Repubs do not like racial minorities. Ted Cruz is Cuban born-he will face back-lash from Allen Keyes and Allen West. These hate foreigners. So we ran out of piggies. We may as well settle with Hillary and Biden as the only candidates.

    • dpaano

      Works for me!!! Isn’t it interesting that the top 3 polling in the GOP party (Trump, Carson, and Walker) have absolutely NO political experience whatsoever and yet the GOP base wants to vote for them? I mean, I do understand that the GOP base wants change…..which they would have gotten if their idiot senators & congressmen/women hadn’t decided to “block” our current president at every turn, but these guys would be useless if any of the three were elected!!! We’d have change alright, but it wouldn’t be pretty! I don’t think most of us would want to give up 4 years of their presidency to show the rest of the idiot world that they don’t need a Republican in office!

      • pmbalele

        Do you know Scott Walker wants to close all universities in Wisconsin? This is in retaliation the chancellors let him go after flunking him. His GPA was 2.55 which actually was c. Now he is telling his friends in TP and Repubs that he does not see benefit of university education if he is now supervises professors, doctors, lawyers, computer engineers, pilots etc. He says if he needs these professionals in the future he will import them from China, Russia, Nigeria, England, Poland and India, Kenya, Tanzania and Uganda. Walker does not understand a country run by foreign
        professionals is in danger. Thanks for the posting.

        • dpaano

          You’re very welcome! Yeah, Walker is a real piece of work….but, then again, so are the other GOP candidates. Not a qualified one in the bunch!

  • groversyck

    We need the Donald as president about as much as we need Donald duck as president.

    Although, Donald Duck wou8ld be more qualified to do the job./

  • Landsende

    Trump bragged about his net worth but he hasn’t disclosed how much tax he paid on that 9 billion.

    • ralphkr

      Well, Ladsende, if Trump is half as smart as he thinks he is then he paid less than 15% income tax and if he is as smart as he thinks then he not only paid no income tax but the Feds & states paid HIM.

  • Insinnergy

    The wonderful thing about The Donald, is that he is beholden to no-one.

    Therefore he will happily p1ss on all the other GOP candidates and call them on their bullsh1t in a way that no Democrat, or media person can… and they will have to answer. Because he will be in the debates. You’ll note that they are already being very careful about their criticism of him… because no-one wants him to turn his non-donor-sourced attention on THEM.

    This may be the best asset that the Democratic party has ever had… because the GOP have to pander to the evanglimorons first… then pivot and pretend they didn’t say any of that. Trump is going to make mincemeat out of them right through that process… for his own aggrandisement.

    It’s a beautiful thing.

    • dpaano

      Speaking of “beautiful” things, why don’t we ever see his wife at any of these functions? He probably keeps her locked up and only brings her out when he needs to look especially good!

  • [email protected]

    Really, stop and think of the coming show. Donald Trump and Cris Crisco on the same stage yelling and bragging about themselves. I really wish that Sara Palin could join in the
    “debate” It will be better than a mud fight with girls in bikinis.

  • dpaano

    The only GOOD thing about The Donald running for presidency is that we don’t have to look at his ugly face on “Celebrity Apprentice” anymore!! Maybe they’ll get someone with some panache and brains and not just narcissistic BS! I KNEW there was a reason why Geraldo Rivera lasted so long on that show…..he has the SAME narcissistic personality as The Donald!!! They belonged together!