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Monday, June 25, 2018

Welcome to “This Week In Crazy,”  The National Memo’s weekly update on the wildest attacks, conspiracy theories, and other loony behavior from the increasingly unhinged right wing. Starting with number five:

5. Ann Coulter

Gage Skidmore via Flickr
Gage Skidmore via Flickr

Have you enjoyed the United States’ thrilling run into the knockout stage of the World Cup?

If so, you are ruining America.

That’s the newest hot take from right-wing commentator Ann Coulter, who used her latest column to troll American soccer fans for contributing to “the nation’s moral decay.”

Coulter’s rambling argument lists several reasons for hating soccer, including:

    • There’s too much teamwork, meaning that in case of a bad play, “no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised.”
    • Women can play soccer, too (“No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level,” Coulter sniffs).
    • It’s so dull that “if Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he’d still be alive, although bored.”
    • You can’t use your hands, making soccer players no better than animals (“What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs,” Coulter reminds us).
    • Liberals like it, just like they enjoy “HBO’s ‘Girls,’ light-rail, Beyoncé and Hillary Clinton.”

But Coulter’s primary reason to hate soccer is a lot more simple and predictable: “It’s foreign.”

“If more ‘Americans’ are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law,” Coulter writes. “I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.”

So just to review: Soccer bad, Ted Kennedy bad, foreigners especially bad (unless they happen to be from Russia).