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Monday, October 24, 2016

I know a woman. Works like a dog. She’s a loving mother, raising a lovable boy. She’s also a good businesswoman, running a successful salon.

But she’s not married to the father, though he lives with her… year after year. As for work, he does a little bit of this and a little bit of that. She pays most of the bills and scrounges for childcare. His parents, meanwhile, have a grandkid to play with.

Cohabiting with children is a growing trend among American families, particularly for whites and Hispanics. It now accounts for 59 percent of births outside marriage, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Call me old-fashioned, but for most working women, shacking up with the father of their kids is a life of unfair drudgery.

In many cases, it is more unfair than single motherhood. In addition to childcare, the cohabiting woman is burdened with man care. She’s providing the comforts of home, hearth and family. He, meanwhile, has the freedom to move on to new pastures without even having to call a lawyer.

Calm down, will ya? OK, I’m calm.

More than a quarter of American children are now being born to couples living together without marriage. This is the highest rate ever and double what it was a decade ago.

(You’ll never guess which state has the highest percentage of cohabiting parents. South Dakota, at 46 percent.)

Although this sounds like a more stable home life for children than the single-parent household, it’s only marginally so, The Wall Street Journal reports. Interestingly, the share of children being born out of wedlock without a father at home has shrunk a little.

Jane Waldfogel, who teaches social work at Columbia University, told the Journal that for kids, the instability and uncertainty of living with cohabiting parents “is in some ways closer to single parenthood than it is to marriage.”

Cohabiting parents can break up so much more easily than married ones. No doubt some couples choose this arrangement specifically to keep that door ajar — the well-being of children no longer serving as a lock.

The frequent excuse is that Mom and Dad aren’t financially and emotionally ready to get married. (But they are financially and emotionally ready to have children, right?) Many of our longest-lasting marriages were embarked upon by couples who were dead broke, but what did they know?

We understand, this is the land of countless variation. I know two old hippies who have been living together for decades, devoted to each other and their children, and sharing the work. They are a cohabiting model but the exception, according to sociologists.

There are many marriages in which all the heavy lifting falls on her. And somewhere in America there is a cohabiting father who performs all the child rearing, breadwinning and floor sweeping while the lady’s at home doing her nails.

Sometimes it’s the mother who declares her desire not to be tied down to a guy — though that often sounds like bravado. The great majority of Americans say they want marriage. In the bar pickup culture, the mother with children at home is a more complicated prospect than the father going back to his bachelor pad.

As expected, the higher you move up the economic and educational ladder the stronger the insistence on getting married before having children. The financial advantage marriage confers on these families may not be the only reason for America’s widening wealth gap, but it’s a significant one.

Cohabitation with children may look similar to marriage with children, but it’s usually a weak substitute. Expect more of it.

Follow Froma Harrop on Twitter @FromaHarrop. She can be reached at [email protected] To find out more about Froma Harrop and read features by other Creators writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Web page at

Photo: Kate LaPine via Wikimedia Commons

  • Carolyn1520

    The other side is she can kick him out without him trying to get any of her assets or future assets.
    Marriage is a business contract and provides a safety net when children are involved.
    It’s why a state license id required. Women who work and plan on having children should sign up for it along with an ironclad prenup.

  • jointerjohn

    I’m a sixty-something male. I watched my contemporaries raise daughters challenging them to be and do more with their lives than their mothers and grandmothers before them. In the 1970s it was no longer good enough for a girl to slide through high school taking home-economics and dreaming of marrying Mr. Right. I also watched my generation raise the most spoiled, immature and irresponsible male children ever conceived. Now we have a generation of male adults, some as old as forty, who still live as though they are channeling characters from the movie “Animal House”. Many find women to take them in and treat them as house pets. If you know any parent out there who is still feeding a thirty year old son and picking up after him, go klunk him/her on the head. They are the ones creating this problem.

  • Daniel Jones

    The weird thing about this is that the whole time parents are not marrying, they are letting political leaders tell us that it is a moral imperative to deny gays marriage in order to secure family stability.