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Thursday, October 19, 2017

No one can deny that Donald Trump has a way with words—maybe not a way that is elegant or well informed, but one that is undoubtedly all his own.

The GOP candidate has leaned on a staggering number of buzzwords throughout his campaign, imbuing established terms with coded or even opposite meanings. In special cases, he’s even coined brand new phrases. It can be dizzying to wrap your head around this curious new dialect, so we at The National Memo compiled this handy dictionary of basic Trumpese to help you figure out what The Donald is really talking about:

 

America (noun) – a nation in the Western Hemisphere that used to be really great back before streetcars and universal suffrage were invented

 

Bald (adjective) – having little or no hair*

*(Editor’s note: This entry has been deemed unnecessary and deleted by official Trumpese linguists, who also request that you continue scrolling down and do not return to this particular definition.)

 

Bankruptcy (noun) – a clever financial tactic by which a very handsome businessman gathers up his failures and makes them someone else’s problem

 

Bigly 1. (adverb) – an indisputably real word meaning huge (alt: yuge) or to a large extent 2. (noun) – a more efficient way of saying “big league” that important businessmen use to save time

 

Birth certificate (noun) – an identifying document that all non-white Americans carry at all times, unless they happen to be secret terrorists

 

China 1. (noun) – a shifty-eyed country across the Pacific that sneaks into America at night and steals our jobs 2. (noun) a filler word, useful in speeches, when you do not have anything of substance to say

 

Crooked (adjective) – having all the proper experience and qualifications for an executive governmental position

 

 

Fire (verb) – to take away a loser’s job on national television because he or she, unlike you, is not the best

 

Hands 1. (noun) — a disgusting body part that you should never shake 2. (noun) an appendage at the end of the arm primarily used to measure one’s massive genitalia

 

Hero (noun) – an individual who makes it through a war without being killed or captured, oftentimes by never leaving the comfort of a penthouse apartment

 

Nuclear weapon (noun) – an apocalyptic device that the commander-in-chief can threaten to use whenever he wants in order to make the best deals

 

Politically incorrect (adjective) – a style of conscience-free language that uses Freedom of Speech to justify shouting racial slurs and mocking the disabled

 

Protest 1. (noun) — a stinky herd of jobless losers who deserve to get punched in the face 2. (verb) to express disapproval of the government in a way that will hopefully be illegal soon

 

Rigged (adjective) — describing circumstances that, for whatever reason, do not work out in your favor

 

Russia 1. (noun) the personal estate of all-around great guy Vladimir Putin 2. (noun) A really helpful IT service that specializes in digging up old emails

 

Sad! (adjective) – not being the best, because there can only be one best, and I have always been the best, meaning that you will never be the best, which is just plain sad

 

Sarcasm (noun) – an excuse for passing off a controversial statement as a joke even though you totally meant it

 

Second Amendment (noun) – the portion of the Constitution that upholds one’s unalienable right to encourage the murder of political rivals

 

Tax return (noun) – a detailed report of an individual’s income and expenses that you can ignore if you are rich and powerful enough

 

Truth-teller (noun) — a person who speaks authentically and from the heart by shouting out whatever malarkey* he wants to

*For more on malarkey, see The Comprehensive Guide to Bidenisms

 

Wall (noun) – a vertical barrier, costing the American public billions of dollars, along the U.S.-Mexico border designed to prevent the spread of melanin and hard workers

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