Smart. Sharp. Funny. Fearless.

Monday, December 09, 2019 {{ new Date().getDay() }}

Tag:

Late Night Roundup: The Trump Victory Infomercial

The late night shows were dominated Wednesday by Donald Trump’s bizarre combination victory speech, press conference — and infomercial for Trump products.

The Daily Show‘s Jordan Klepper stood by his own table of Trump merchandise, and gave his verdict on all of Trump’s claims of great branding success: “They’re crap, they’re just crap, all right. Trump Airlines was s#$t — the business defaulted, it was sold off; Trump Water is just generic water he slapped his name on; Trump University’s a joke. I mean, I spent all night looking into this stuff. Spoiler Alert: It’s all bulls#$t.”

The Daily Show with Trevor Noah
Get More: The Daily Show Full Episodes,The Daily Show on Facebook,The Daily Show Video Archive

Stephen Colbert declared: “That’s right, Trump gave his victory speech next to a pyramid of raw steak. He was either trying to prove Mitt wrong — or introducing his new running mate, ‘Trump/Pile of Meat 2016.’ Good luck telling them apart. It was like watching an infomercial — if he’s elected, this would make Trump the first president to come with a sticker, ‘As Seen On TV.'”

James Corden said of Trump’s wines: “The only thing I can imagine being worse than Trump 2016, is a bottle of 2016 Trump. Also, you can tell that it’s Trump’s winery — because they only sell white.”

Conan O’Brien also looked at the primary result in Michigan: “Almost 40 percent of people who voted for John Kasich said they did so because they don’t like the other guys — which explains his new campaign slogan: ‘John Kasich, the lesser of four evils.'”

And on The Nightly Show, Larry Wilmore and Mike Yard looked at the zaniest new meme in the presidential contest: the accusation that Ted Cruz is secretly the Zodiac Killer! (Not even the facts that Ted Cruz was born in 1970, but the Zodiac killings began in 1968, aren’t stopping this one.) But as Mike pointed out, Ted does want to kill — a lot of government agencies that play an important role in real people’s lives.

Late Night Roundup: Casting Trump Out Of The Temple

Larry Wilmore looked at the sheer absurdity of Donald Trump’s visit to Liberty University, where he transparently pretended to revere the Bible — especially the book of “Two Corinthians.” And so Larry had to respond — by preaching on against this snake in the grass.

Larry and The Nightly Show contributor Mike Yard also examined a controversial children’s book that was just pulled by Scholastic, A Birthday Cake For George Washington, for depicting George Washington’s slaves as happy. But on the bright side, this gave Mike his own idea for a children’s book: Massa Dies.

Over at The Daily Show, Trevor Noah and Jordan Klepper highlighted the British Parliament’s recent debate on whether to ban Donald Trump — which lawmakers ultimately did not favor, but which they did answer by ridiculing The Donald in so many creative ways.

Seth Meyers delivered an analysis of Bernie Sanders’ big surge in the polls — and the irony that a 74-year old man who looks like the character of “Waldorf” from the Muppets has now become the candidate of young voters.

Late Night Roundup: Larry Wilmore Just Can’t Take It Anymore

Larry Wilmore got so sick of the latest statistics about gun accidents — involving toddlers — he had to step into the special Soundproof Despair Booth.

“Here’s the real question — I want you to actually think about this: Are the frequent deaths of children just the cost of doing business in your version of America? It’s a yes-or-no answer. And answer’s not yes.”

And speaking of heartless cruelty to helpless innocents, Trevor Noah took on Wolf Blitzer for bullying poor little Lincoln Chafee.

Late Night Roundup: A Game Of ‘Larry Libs’

Jon Stewart examined how Republicans have tried to reach out to groups like Latinos and women – only to see Donald Trump come along as “the living embodiment of everything Republicans were trying to exorcise from their party.”

Jon also pointed out how Trump has upended the political system: “This Trump guy is a rich, crazy, egotistical monster — people like him are supposed to buy the candidates, not be them!”

Larry Wilmore expressed his total frustration with the high-profile killing of Samuel DuBose by a University of Cincinnati police officer — who was acting off-campus, and who has now been charged with murder — and that these stories have turned into a cruel game of Mad Libs: “And if it feels like The Nightly Show is getting a little repetitive, I totally agree. I mean, at this point my writing staff just has to fill in the names.”

Larry and The Nightly Show contributor Mike Yard also discovered the hard way that the jurisdiction of police officers encompasses “pretty much any place you see a black guy.”